Do your children ever express objection to you going to work?

[Whitty]

I feel this is more of a parenting issue than work so hence reason posted in here

My ds1 (now 4) has recently been expressing feelings about me going back to work. Every bedtime he says to me 'Mummy, I don't want you to go to work. Then we have the 'why I do chat'

Then the other day he put his head in his hands and my DH asked him what was wrong, he replied...'sigh, I'm just missing Mummy'

History:

I have been a very proud sahm for approx 2 years, prior to that I worked part time, when my ds1 was between 6 months and 2 years old, in a sector I am qualified in that pays well. Left to be sahm when ds2 came along. When ds2 was around 9 months I applied to retail and got a poxy 8 hour a week job just as a top up. Perfect for our situation.

Recent light: hubs was made redundant with a weeks notice and after sheer panic and hysteria, I asked at my retail 8 hour job for full time for a while to keep us afloat. I've been doing this for a few weeks now, but ds1 is finding it hard. DH is the sahd, so no childcare issues, but ds1 does attend nursery 4 times a week and is obviously going to school soon, but it just breaks my heart everytime he says it.

The simple truth is that if work hadn't have given me these hours, we would not have paid our mortgage this month. Then it would have been a spiral etc. It is quite simply a MUST atm with dh out of work and I have to keep going till he finds something.

Now, as an after thought I would earn approx 11k per annum if I stayed in retail, but I have the potential to earn 20k, but obviously the job is a relatively important one so it can't be messed about. I have my eye on 4 jobs I could go for and be in with a good chance, but I just don't know whether I should cos of ds1 as I would happily go without for my babies, as we have, but come on, 11k?!! Its not even that to be honest. DH has no chance of getting work at the moment in his field.

Any advice? Do your kids object and how do you deal with it? He knows when I'm off that we spend time and do things together etc...but I've been a sahm with him for a long time, and its only cos of dh job that we have discussed me applying for these 20k jobs and I don't know what to do.
Sorry its so long.

we are in exactly the same position. spookily infact.
i'm now working 5 days in my profession, while DH looks after the kids and does a bit of work from home. (again not much work in his field right now)

the kids seem fine with it right now. at first DS1 (4) didn't like it much, but then he realised DH would be home more and he was happy with the swap.
DS2 (20m) seems fine, and seems to like the blowing kisses at the door bit.

i liked being a SAHM because i felt it was the right thing for the kids, but it wasn't doing me any good. i happy at work. and the kids benefit from having a SAHD in the same way as they did from having a SAHM so i don't feel guilty. their needs are met IYSWIM.

if you have the opportunity to earn more while you are out working then it makes sense that your time out at work in more worthwhile.

Gosh, spooky! My ds2 is 23 months! Very similar to yours.

I know my boys have got so much closer to daddy since he has been at home, which is lovely, for all of them, but ds1 is incredibly open about his feelings, and can share anything with me. He is very sensitive and I just want to know that in a few years it wouldn't have affected him iyswim.
He is very close to me, and this has been evident the past few months. Youngest is also a mummies boy, but, at his age, is clearly more flexible then my eldest, and doesn't really seem to mind it at the mo. Though I get a fantastic greeting when I get home!

I don't know whether to go for these jobs, cos after induction/probationary period etc, its not something that can just get dumped easily, (building bridges and all that) whereas retail is!

children get used to it very quickly, i loved visiting my mums workplace when i was little.

he'll be fine

yes it's more of a commitment to get back to your old job. but for me it is much more worthwhile, i had a reception job for 6 months before going back to my 'real' job and am much happier being challenged.

this credit crunch malarky that has made DH redundant may go on for a couple of years so it's worthwhile commiting for me. i guess it depends whether your DH may find work soon.

and anyway, there's no harm in applying, interviewing etc. you don't have to make any real decisions for a while, just work on making the opportunities right now.

My mother had to work, and I hated it (single parent, lousy childcare) but actually as I got older I appreciated it - we had a much nicer life, and she set me a good example. It never occurred to me that I couldn't do anything I wanted with my life - that's a really good message to be sending, with plenty of love and reassurance added on.

It's a really hard transition stage for him and I'm so sorry - must be heartbreaking for all 3 of you - but it will have the benefit of an unusual closeness to his Dad. Is it possible for you and DS1 to have a special, 1 to 1 afternoon every week, when you can go to the park or the toy library or a museum or something alone together? Quality time may be a cliche, but it created some of my best memories.

Most kids would prefer Mum to themselves, and an awful lot of Mums want to give that, but the reality of life for most of us these days is that's impossible, if we aren't to be homeless. You've given him a wonderful start already, and he is still having 1 to 1 parental care. You don't have any choice, and he must know no little chap could be more loved. I mean, it's pretty obvious, just from this post.

You should get the better job if you can. Presumably you will be doing the same hours for twice the money. No brainer.

Your son is just reacting to a change in his life (and being 4 it's all about him). He still has a stay at home parent, the same house, nursery and same school.

You know you are doing the best thing you can for your family, your son is only 4 and simply cannot understand.

He will miss you, but that doesn't mean he isn't having a lovely time with his dad. Children just aren't that keen on change, and also he may enjoy the reaction (I bet you give him lots of love and attention when he says he is sad). That's not to say his feelings aren't genuine, but they may be quite transient. My dd is a bit of a drama queen, and when dh wasn't around would say how much she missed him, and when I wasn't around how much she missed me. Sometimes she would also say how sad she was on missing other people (friends, cousins, cats that had died etc). I think that she really meant that she just needed extra love at that particular moment. The rest of the time she would be very happy.

My dh was a SAHD for a couple of years (part time for a while, then full time) and dd remembers it as a very happy time (Daddy days). She was four at the time, and has a special bond with dh as a result (ds was five and at school and doesn't seem to think about that time much). they are eight and nine now.

We recently had nine months of me being home, followed by three months (and counting) of dh being home. They were a bit sad when I went back to work, but not very! I think it is good for families to swop roles around a bit, gives the children a different experience and it is nice for dads to be the primary carer for a while too.

I think a special thing for the two of you to do together would be a great plan, even if it is nothing particularly spectacular, like going to the library, or a swim or something at the weekend.

On the explaining front you could try emphasizing how nice it is for Daddy to spend time with him, and being quite straight up that it is your turn to bring in the money (sometimes Daddies work and sometimes Mummies do). You could try asking him to paint or make you something for you to take to work with you so he can imagine you with his special thing (dd likes that sort of thing). Or you could get your dh to bring him to your work one day for a very short visit, again children quite like to be able to visualise where you are when you are not with them.

Re the better job you should definitely go for it if you can. If you have to work anyway why not do something you are good at, with prospects for promotion and better pay? I think it creates much more resiliency in a family if you have the option of either of you working, especially if you are in very different fields.

Your DS will miss you but you are still doing the best thing. He would be even more unhappy if you had to move out because you couldn't pay mortgage.

I'm currently trying to get back into my previous line of work, which also happens to be higher paid than what I'm doing now. We need to do it for our long term family security and also I know I'll be happier at work too but the security is a big part of it. It's a massive strain worrying about paying bills and will lead to big upheaval for us if I don't make this move. My kids will probably react the same way as yours but I know it's the right thing to do.

As one of posters above says - follow up all the options open to you ( the 4 possible jobs). You can decide later whether to accept them.

Oh mums, thanku so much for your kind support. Made me fill up a little with your posts, they were genuine support and advice, so thankyou.

I'm so tired today, with the stress of it, I was also late in bed as I was up doing an application till 11.30pm. oops. Deadline was today! (But I only discovered it 3 days ago, and it took me about 3 hours to do!)

With your words of wisdom I'm going to go for it I think.

My dd ( at age 4) used to complain that I had to go to work. Then I explained that I if I didn't go to work, she wouldn't get nice things or holidays like going to Disney land.
Result - she practically pushed me out of the door and has nevere complained since ( is now 5)!!

I think you should go for it, especially knowing your DH has little chance of finding a decent job at the moment.

I was made redundant last summer and have been a SAHM ever since, although am starting a casual, retail job for a few hours next week.

I found it much easier to 'justify' leaving DD in my last job, as it was what I loved, had trained to do and paid a decent salary.

The job I have taken is interesting, but appalling money, and I have done it rather than go back to some mundane office job - even if it paid better, because it means I can still try and get freelance work in my field, rather than leaving DD to be bored senseless for the majority of the week.

Best of luck!

Ds1 (just 4) will always keep an eye on the clock for when I get home. And he knows the days of the week, looks forward to Saturday and is noticeably better behaved on Fridays...
All of this makes DH, who looks after the DC, feel "inferior" until I point out that at the weekend ds1 is just the same whenever daddy dares to go out...
His ideal world would be both parents at home, with nothing else to do except play with him.
sadly that doesn't pay!

I have just one DS, have worked FT since he was a babe, as has DH. We have a great childminder so lots of things are easy TBH.

I think you just have to do what you have to do. If I didn't work we would have to move, change schools etc. I couldn't really do my job pt but I am lucky enough to work from home more or less when I need to (I am the boss).

DS told me today that he was sad that I didn't stay with him at parties. he is 7 and no-one stays, and he's a very feisty chap, so I think this was just wanting a bit of fuss. As long as you can turn up for the important things, then go for it.

I am self empoyed and dh gets sick leave so when ds woke one morning and couldn't walk it was dh that took him to the Doctors and then to hospital. I finished up my job a little early, and then joined them at the hospital so that dh could go and get some (late)lunch. Ds wanted a parent with him - but he was happy for it to be dh. The looks of surprise I got from the nurses when I asked where he was suggested I was very uncaring swanning off to work when he was sick. But as dh and ds were both happy I let them think what they wanted. They wouldn't have raised an eyebrow if the dad had come in 4 hours after the mum.