Help please - 8 year old driving me mad

[racmac]

I have 3 ds's - 8, 3 & nearly 2 and the 8 year old seems intent on winding me and dad up continually and Im not sure what to do.

He constantly answers back, calls his 3yr old brother a baby - which gets an automatic response of whinging and crying, he is rude - called his dad an idiot, acts like a baby, Im sure you get the idea - but its not occasionaly - its constant.

I dont know how to discipline him because whatever im doing doesnt appear to work - perhaps we have no set rules in place?

Please others with children that have been through this tell me how you managed their behaviour cos Im stuck.

Have a chat with him when you are in a confined space and he can't escape (the car? Walking the dog?)

Explain quite clearly that there is "playground behaviour" and "home behaviour".

IMO you have to acknowledge that 8 year old boys and girls constantly call each other idiots/babies/sneer at each other/push/swear and genrally act like pillocks.

And you can tell him under no circumstances is he to bring that sort of behaviour home. Spell out what you want to see at home....respect, no name calling, no pushing/shoving/snatching, listening to each other and negotiation.

BUT that means you and dh have to look very carefully at how you interact with him too. Is his life (on occasions) a long list of instructions from you? "get up/get dressed/eat breakfast/pack bag/check homework/go to school.." cos when he gets there it'll def be very adult lead.

Is there anything in his life he has control over? Very difficult at 8 to think of anyhting suitable.

And to the majority of 8 year olds a 3 year old is a right pain and a baby. He just needs to accept that he cannot use that language at home even if that is what he feels. You can't make him change what he feels - just keep it to himself!

Ask him for some good ideas for sanctions if someone in the house is unkind and upsets people - he'll prob be able to come up with some.

Then apply them and prepare for the explosion.

And have you read Raising Boys by Stephen Biddulph? I thought it was very good though others may disagree.

Also from the outside your family dynamic could easliy be seen as

mum and dad together as a happy pair (despite the squabbles!)

3 yr old and 2 yr old together as a happy pair (who don't have to go to school and are allowed to behave like babies all day)

and him - all on his own out on the "outside" not a grown up yet but def not a baby.

A difficult place to be.

Name-calling, teasing, baiting, minor hurting: Mine get 2 warnings and then a small punishment, such as:
Lose part of pudding, lose some puta/game time, lose 10p off of pocket money. This does not result in perfect behaviour, but it keeps the amount of bad behaviour down.

And yes you have to model the right behaviour, and the potential sanctions have to apply to the other children too (in some fashion).

Answering back is a funny one because I don't know what people mean by that. If it means "arguing", then I think you have to make it clear "AND I WILL NOT BE CHANGING MY MIND NO MATTER WHAT" (not that you have to shout, but you have to be emphatic about it).

Try to negotiate when you can, though, let him have some say in how things are done.

Thanks for all your advice - gargarin i can see what you mean about the dynamics - he has just returned to school after year of being home educated and he loves his brothers and plays really well most of the time when he isnt teaching silly wrestling moves. I guess some of the behaviour is because he has just returned to that school playground he is catching up!

I remember thinking when i was little that little boys were very silly and annoying - now i know just how much!

I will ask him for the sanctions and keep reminding him that we have to behave in a certain way.

lljkk - i thimk part of the problem may be that when he's naughty i think of the worst punishment i can think of because im so angry and thats something thats prob not going to happen then his dad or i end up having to back down

Thanks

ah, anger issues -- toddlers are good at unearthing any you might have lurking. Some other good threads about that on MN.

make sure you discuss with him what should the sanctions be if the 2 year old hurts people and the 3 year old too....

It might give you a bit of insight into how he feels about his position in the family - like does he think he has to be more grown up than he'd like, does he feel you think he should be responsible for his siblings etc etc??

And wrestling moves - cool! That's what being an 8 year old boy is all about. How about enrolling him for tai kwondo or something like that? Def for big boys and teaches restraint while allowing for the expression of aggression - essential for any boy/man!