Fussy eaters - I've had enough - what to do next

[PetitFilou1]

Ds1 is 5. He eats enough to cover all the food groups (just) He is not underweight and he's generally happy. However mealtimes if I offer anything other than toddler food are hell and I have really had enough.

By toddler food, I mean pasta with butter, bits of chicken (breast only) and peas, or beans (not touching the other food) mash and fishfingers which he picks the batter off and faffs around with the fish. He won't eat lasagne, pasta with sauce, sausages, shepherds pie, fish pie, or any of the 'staple' children's meals. He wouldn't go NEAR mine and dh's food which is very varied as I am vege but we both love interesting food.

dd will eat more or less anything and is very good at trying stuff even if she doesn't always like it. I am now starting to wean ds2. I really can't get into separate meals for them so atm dd ends up having the same bland old crap that ds1 will eat and me and dh eat later as he is never home until 6.30pm. I just want him to TRY new foods but he looks like he's going to be sick and puts his hand over his mouth. It is so depressing.

I've tried forcing him, shouting at him, letting him eat what he wants, not saying anything and just putting it in the bin, putting him to bed with no dinner. You name it I feel like I've tried it.

I just suggested to dh that we needed help. He said that this was my problem and he wasn't taking ds1 to see anybody. But he doesn't have to deal with this day in day out.

Please - does anyone have any suggestions?

going to watch this with interest.

I share you pain

What is he like at school?

clemette He has packed lunches at school and occasionally school dinners. But if he has school dinners and it is something he doesn't like, he doesn't eat anything. And they have two or three choices as well - I don't understand that. I wish they did what they do on the continent - same meal offered to everyone and no blardy choices

and riven yes I'm buggered if I'm ever going to cook separate meals either

I would perservere with the school dinners. There is nothing like peer pressure for getting them to try new food. Even if he chooses something he is familiar with, sitting at a table with people eating "unfamiliar" food may really help?

petitfilou

There is a school of thought that a child will eat if they are hungry.

I wonder what would happen if you just gave him what DD is having and then do nothing else. Bit of peer pressure and a bit of hunger - do you think it would work?

Is it just attention seeking as he is the middle child perhaps?

Hi petitfilou... I have been where you are and am just coming out the other side.
My DD is nearly 13 and is just like your DS even down to the not liking food touching, and picking at food...

will be back later with some stratagies...

hmmmm sounds horrid.

What worked with mine was a sticker for eating a mouthful.

It's hard because there's a tiny bit of you that worries it could be a genuine phobia?

My friend was told to just keep offering the same new food every meal time until her daughter tried. This was her hospital dietician btw - she said it could take 3 or 4 days but once your child knew you were serious then they would try.

I guess stick to one tactic? It will only work if you refuse to get stressed if he goes without and don't give him lots of attention over it?

This was my DD when she was younger (she's nearly 5). Her repertoire was sooooo limited. I have to admit that my real bug bear was veggies and so I focused on them. I got her to gradually eat a tiny piece of whatever it was that she really hated (usually purely through bribery- money, sweeties/ star charts and late bedtimes [not that she knew that she was only up 5mins later] and LOTS of praise/ high fiving/ phoning people to tell them) and eventually she started to eat the other things on her plate that she was only 'ish' about.

But to be honest, I made the decision to stop catering for her and if that meant that she ate nothing, then she ate nothing. It took about 3 mths to make any significant progress and nearly 1 yr later she eats most of what we have. I NEVER cater for her and she eats the same as us or eats nothing. Sh ewill now try things and has started to show an enjoyment of food that I never thought would happen. She is still a bit difficult but it has changed to the degree that I can noe take her out to eat without taking a packed lunch! Good luck

Sorry for all the typos- btw, my DD used to gag when eating new foods or those with certain textures and frequently cried if things were 'touching' too- your son may have a phobia (I think DD did) but it can be overcome. It will be a huge amount of work though. You have to get REALLY hardline or be lucky enough to get referred.

Good luck again

It was my dd2 who was like this - even as a baby she would only eat 3 flavours of baby food, very very fussy over textures and change and actually generally overall quite sensitive about anything new including food.

She was 5ish when the trying a mouthful for a sticker worked. We do eat a lot of roast dinners though because they all like that!

I'm working with lasagne on all of them at the moment, they're not used to mince and therefore aren't keen on it.

abetadad He isn't middle child - he's the eldest (dd 3.5 and ds2 6 months)

cargirl yes I am worried it is a genuine phobia. I am vege because I became phobic about meat after being forced to eat it (you'd think I'd have learned). I stopped red meat at 8, all meat in my teens and am now 36 and still eat no meat.

shootfromthehip Your post chimes with me - I had a feeling that the hardline approach would be the only way but it is so hard and especially when it is always me doing it and never dh

I think if you try it hardline for a week but only with no emotionally charging from you then you will know???

Also can you do some meals where there is a small amount of "safe" foods on it and a tinier amount of new foods on so he doesn't feel threatened by huge portions - literally one or two small mouthfuls.

I was (probably still am, I'm not sure it ever really leaves you) a fussy eater as a child.

I think your husband is right - the issues your son has around food are just part of who he is. He's not doing it deliberately to spite you (although if he's like I was, the bigger a deal you make of it, the worse it will get).

I know for sure that in my case no amount of charts, cajoling, shouting, hiding things in sauce (just stopped eating sauce) would have worked for me. Neither would peer pressure. Even though my primary school had a rule about sandwiches for lunch for all children I refused to eat them. Ever.

I think shootfromthehip's approach is what would have worked for me - I wasn't going to eat anything I didn't want anyway and I was well able to skip meals if it was a choice between that and eating something I didn't want to eat. It would have taken the pressure off me somewhat if mealtimes hadn't always been a battleground.

Ahh - I understand now petitfilou.

I would just let your DS eat what DD (3.5) is having so you do not have to cook seperate stuff.

My DS1 (8) and DS2 (6) do not eat very complicated things yet. They wil eat some things with us like spag bol but mostly they like things without herbs and spices. I think their sense of taste may be more accenctuated than an adult.

What I have noticed though is that at school they seem more adventurous in eating things like curry when other kids are around.

I wouldn't worry too much - I think it is fairly normal and your DS seems well nourished from what you say.

Ds1 is like this (he is 4). I can't force him as he is promptly sick.

He can and does choose to just not eat, and loses weight (and he has none to spare) so that's no good. I hate it when people tell me that he won't starve himself. He might not actually starve himself to death but he'll definitely go permanently hungry, and I kind of need his trousers to stay up.

I picked a food, and kept putting it on the plate. And bribed with pudding, too. If the food is too awful to him (such as rice) then nothing will make him eat it. But we added spag bog to our repetoire by having it very very frequently, and putting the chocolate cake on a plate in the middle of the table during the first course .

I don't make separate meals as such, but I do cook more foods - I know he won't eat carrots so I do 3 veg instead of two, and everyone gets all of them. And ds1 doesn't eat the carrots. Or pasta for everyone and he gets butter instead of sauce. Or rice for everyone but I'll cook some pasta too - everyone can have a bit of pasta, and ds1 has most of it with a bit of rice on the side (untouched, but hey, one day!)

Nightmare isn't it. MIL says dh was like this so I blame him.

DD1 was like this - he wouldnt eat anything from when he was weaned he was an absolute nightmare - i worked full time and he was at his Nan's for meal times but we both had the same problems - she used to stand him at the sink so that he would be distracted enough to eat a couple of mouthfuls!

He is now 8 and i am absolutely amazed at his appetite! He eats really well - has put loads of weight on in this last year (he was 5lb born and always tiny - smallest in class by a long way)

I just kept persevering with the food - served him up food i knew he would eat but added other food as well - little bit at a time and gave lots of praise for trying even if he didnt like it and refused to eat any more.

I guess if i had known i would have chilled out a bit more - kids dont generally starve themselves but i know ho hard it is and what a worry it is.

DS2 & DS3 could eat for bloody England so im not sure what caused his problems

@petitfilou

maybe stop thinking of it as the "hardline" approach. I know it would have been a huge relief to me as a child if my Mum had done that for me.

PS I am also the eldest. My Mum always felt she had "made mistakes" with me and food, but from my perspective (even as a kid) it's always just been a personal hang up.

I'm back...

my DD had a think about textures, nothing too lumpy, bumpy, crispy, or crunchy. I was like you, tried everything to make her eat... It didn't work... the crunch came when I swear to god I could have thrown her and the food through the window.. I thought there must be more to life than this and from that day on I didn't force her... she had to taste the food but if she didn't like it I didn't make her eat it..
I don't see the point of forcing as I think that this can affect their eating habits in years to come...

we had to see a dietitian as she was anaemic and was put on iron tablets, she also took a multi vitamin.

every meal there was something on the table that she liked so she wouldn't go hungry.. ie bread rolls, fruit, etc..

she is now nearly 13 and still won't eat what I would call a proper dinner like a roast or anything with gravy.. but will eat pizza, pasta dishes, spaghetti bol burgers, wraps, we recently had a break through when she tried and liked lasagna.. although when I do the meat sauce I alway have to blend it through before serving as she will pick out any piece of tomato or onion that she sees and this drives me crazy...

I think chilling out took the presure off her.

good luck with your DS.. remember you are not alone...

Another ex-fussy eater here. The thing about chicken breast only and no foods touching sounds very familiar. I would have dreaded being forced to eat a food I found repellent. In my case, it would have genuinely made me feel ill.

My mother used to find it VERY frustrating especially as she's an excellent cook. Luckily I had an even more extreme little sister to take the attention away from me - and two cats who helped me out with really gross stuff like the kidney from steak and kidney putting.

It got better as I grew older. Being forced/nagged/shouted at would have done nothing at all to help (my mother tried everything you've suggested). And I was quite capable of starving rather than eating anything that was disgusting to me.

I was a fussy eater right up until university (I'm now 30). I ate things like roast dinners, but only microwave cheese & tomato pizzas and dried packet mix for bolognaise sauce. In fact, I avoided most foods with 'bits' in (like tomatoes or fruity yoghurts). I'd never eaten chinese or indian either.

Don't underestimate peer pressure. It's worked a treat with me and my BIL (who's wife eats everything and makes him try new things). We both have our safe food choices for things like chinese but we're happy to try a fork full of something new too. I see a parallel with a comment on here!!

RumMum - from personal experience, I pick out less onion and tomato now than I did because inevitably you eat some and realise it's okay. Previously I would have removed every tiny bit, but now I eat the little bits and only leave the huge pieces! I guess it's irritating for those watching but ultimately I got bored with picking through so fanatically. However, it was never an issue, I just get on with it. Maybe I eat it all, maybe I pick the odd piece out... it doesn't matter as I'm eating the same as everyone else.

Apparently kids need loads of exposure to new foods before trying (I certainly need a while to pluck up the courage)... so, there is hope.

I agree with shootfromthehip. I am currently undergoing the same sort of thing.

My eldest DS is very fussy. If i send him for school dinners he asks for plain toast! Pack lunch the sandwiches come home untouched. Last week i decided to stop cooking 2 meals (one for adults and one for kids). Now we all get the same and if it doesn't get eaten then they get nothing else.

Luckily the bribe of pudding gets him tasting more than before. I am not a 'clean your plate' mum but at least a mouthful of everything.

Good luck