How can I help my DH have a better bond with our 1yo DS? (sorry, long)

[Gemtubbs]

Hello,

Sorry this is really long.

I have a really great bond with our 13 month old DS. I'm with him almost every day (I work 2 days a week), I breastfed him until he was 9 months and he sleeps in our bed (we're trying to get him in his own cot).

DS works nights and will do things like change nappies, give baths, feed him and play with him. But he will only do it when asked by me and he will only do it when I'm there. He won't look after his DS on his own for any length of time and he doesn't have enough patience with him. If he does feed our DS, the meal will very often not get finished because DS messes about and DH loses patience and gives up.

DH sometimes says that DS doesn't like him because DS can sometimes be quite clingy to me. This ofcourse is not true, he loves his daddy and I try to tell DH this.

DH says that he thinks that he will get on better with our DS when he is old enough to ask for what he wants instead of crying and us having to figure it out. He also says that he will get on better with him when he can run around the garden and play games with him.

This disappoints me and I feel that DH is losing interest in our DS. I feel like he's missing out on precious moments now. How can I improve their bond? Any advice gratefully received. Thanks.

Gemtubbs - I dont think you can improve their bond; its up to your DH to want to improve it and to actually act on it. If he doesnt want to improve it now, you cant make him. The sad fact is that some people arent interested in small children but really come into their own with kids when they get older and develop personalities and interests. The only thing you can do is talk (in a very calm non-confrontational way) with your DH about your worries and maybe suggest he and DS have an outing a week, 2 boys together, to do something just the 2 of them - which could be a trip to the playground, park to feed the ducks, etc. or even just sit together reading books for 20 minutes or so - so they get quality time together doing something simple but fun together for an hour or so. Hopefully that will inspire your DH to want to do more with DS to improve the bond.

I think the thing that helped my dh most was when I got out of the way. When he had to spend time alone with the dd's, and learn about them, and learn how to help them it empowered him to feel he could do it, and it helped them bond more with him. I found if I was in the house, I found it quite hard to just leave him to it - especially if either 1) I thought what he was doing was the 'wrong' way, in which case I would intervene or 2) the children would come to me to sort things out because that is what they were used to.
Perhaps you could go out(leaving them at home) for a short period (1 hr) and then gradually increase that to a morning, then to just after lunch, then the whole day. You will enjoy the freedom, and your dh will become closer to your ds. Things might not happen exactly perfectly - maybe lunch only gets half eaten, but then your dh will have to learn how to cope with that and will grow in the process.
Of course you can't make him bond with your ds, but at the same time I wouldn't want to accept the idea of my partner waiting years to become close with their child.

Thank you very much for the advice. dinkystinky, I will try to talk with him tomorrow (in a calm and non confrontational type of way) and see how we get on. I think that you're right to say that he has to want to do it and I can't make him.

jennifersofia, perhaps you are right to say that I should go out and leave them to it. I have done this once or twice, but I do come back to find DH playing on guitar hero and DS clinging onto his leg trying to get his attention. It does upset me so I will have to talk with him about that.

Thank you again.

I reckon this will improve as dd gets older. My ex was like this, but has got so much better over the years.

Sorry meant your ds, not dd