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Parenting

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Original poster

please help,i lost it with ds and i dont feel anything for him

46 replies

flippedmummy · 13/04/2005 17:26

my ds is nearly 6 and has always tested the limits. I feel so bad. I had a bad birth experience with him and the more i think about it the more i am sure that i never really bonded with him. i could almost say i don't love him. he has just done nothing but answer back and be stroppy, calling me a liar and a pig since the second he got home from school and i lost it. I grabbed his arms and made him look at me and shouted at him really loudly and told him if he ever talked to me like that again i would send him to live with someone else and sent him to his room. i made him apologise for being naughty and i apologised to him for being so horrid. I said that when he shouts at me it makes me feel like a bad mummy, the same as when i shout at him he feels like he is a bad kid. he gave me a hug (for the first time in a long time) and then went and played nicely. Since I have started writing this though he has yelled at his brother and squeezed his arm really tightly it has marked him. I have told him that it is wrong and sent him to the corner to chill out. I am sat here crying now. He has never shown me any affection. Even my bedtime kisses get wiped off. Not once has he put his arms around me of his own accord or said i love you mummy. He loves his dad to bits, that much its obvious. How can I hate my own son? I don't feel anything for him and TBH i don't think I ever did. What kind of parent am I, apart from a terrible one

OP posts:

Hermione1 · 18/04/2005 16:04

Just remembered something my mum used to say.
goes something like this.

You love your kid but you might not always like him/her.

Something along those lines anyway, used to make me feel less down about it and the more i thought about it the more i knew what she meant.
Sounds awful to admit to this, but i used to think what would happen if ds wasn't there anymore and the thought of that used to send me bawling my eyes out, so i knew deep down i did love him, just didn't always like him, hope you are better today FM.

mum2sam · 19/04/2005 17:55

Flippedmum you obviously care about your ds or else you wouldnt be asking for help but as said by H you dont always have to like them. What sort of parents are you and your husband is one the fun parent and one the disciplinary? Maybe its time to share these roles.

I think the first step is to get counselling to discuss what is stopping you from bonding with your ds especially if it stems from the birth.7 years is alot of time to make up and your ds may have picked up on your feelings during this time. Perhaps your dh could attend too sometimes to give an outsiders view on how he sees your relationship with your son.

Then you need to start the bonding process from scratch instead of focusing on ds bad points focus on his good points. And focus on your good points too as a parent,and remind yourself you are not a bad parent.

You should spend some quality time with your ds too just the two of you. Get out of the house and do something fun together. Get to know your son and let him get to know you. And also give yourself time away from the kids to do what you want.

mum2sam · 19/04/2005 17:55

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Original poster

flippedmummy · 25/04/2005 16:58

things are just going from bad to worse. he has spent the afternoon since getting home from school telling me just how much he hates me, how i am not the boss and that i am stupid. another kids came round and asked if my ds could go out to play. bearing in mind that ds was scared of this lad a while ago as he was always hitting him, i said that he didnt want to. ds stood there yelling at me saying that he wanted to go out and that i was horried for not letting him go. I think he is too young to be going out on his own anyway. I am at the end of my tether. He has me in tears everyday. I just dont know what to do. I rang the HV but she said that it all takes time and to see how it goes over the next few weeks. I will have left home by then at this rate

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Original poster

flippedmummy · 25/04/2005 16:58

i feel so ashamed. I am not fit to be a mother

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Original poster

flippedmummy · 25/04/2005 17:39

SOB

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sahara · 25/04/2005 18:18

I have to bath my kids now so I haven't had time to read all of the pasts.

I just wanted to say that I know what you are going through. I have a Ds1 age 6 and he has made me bleed whilst I was trying to restrain him (necessary evil). He has told me he hates me, that I'm the worst mummy.

He has joined in with his dad when his dad was having a shout at me.

I know he has learnt some from his dad but he is like this to everyone. Not many people have warm feelings for him. It hurts to say it.

I went through a stage where I felt I didn't love him, that my bad birth experience had stopped me boniding with him.

It's not that though. I do love him, when he is good I feel that rush for him in my heart, you know how your heart flips. The thought of anything ever happening to him tears me apart. Maybe he has picked up on it but I try so hard to compensate by making myself do more with him. making myself act that way.

I love him, but I don't like him. I don't like what he does. Maybe thats what you feel, because I don't know you but I know you love your son. You wouldn't be so torn up right now if you didn't.

You have to try to make yourself bond with him. Cuddle him more, wether he likes it or not. Turn the wiping kisses off into a game, You do it aswell as if its a secret that only you 2 share.

It's working for me, now more of my hugs and kisses a sincere, Now I make sure he feels loved.

I don't know if I helped.
Must go and bath my 3 devils

sahara · 25/04/2005 18:24

You are a fit mother, right now you need to take control of the situation. If you must send him upstairs do so. He is 6 don't let him get away with that kind of talk.

Sorry if I sound bossy but my sons always making me cry and in the end I have to be more scary than normal just to show him who is boss.

Believe me when I roar, I ROAR.

Calm down flippedmummy, breathe, and then grab him and put him out of your sight until he apologises then spend the rest of the evening ruling him with a certain amount of strictness.

I only say that because having seen you get upset a few times this evening he is likely to have a few more tries, I don't know why but they like to upset us no matter how hard we try.

Must, must, must bath my 3. B back soon

tortoiseshell · 25/04/2005 18:25

I haven't had time to do more than skim read the replies but wanted to reply to the original post. It sounds to my (amateur) brain like you had PND when he was born, or something of the sort. I also think you sound like you've got a 'block' in your mind - like 'he's the son I don't love'. Why not remove the pressure of the whole love issue, and take one minute at a time - see if you can have some times where you have a good time together, then the love can grow from there. What does he like doing? If he likes football, could you take him to a match, or just go and kick a ball with him. Then if you have a great afternoon, tell him so - you can't force love. I think it's good that you apologised to him for being horrid - no-one is perfect, so it's really good for kids to see that their parents make mistakes, but try to put them right.

All kids have times of preference for one parent - my two are quite daddyish, but I know that's because they are with me all day.

I do wonder if you should get some professional help - it sounds like your little boy is very lost and hurting in himself, and so are you.

batters · 25/04/2005 18:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

flippedmummy · 02/06/2005 15:00

well here I go again. Half tern is making the matters worse I think. I've just completely lost it with him and smacked him and sent him to his room. I am beside myself now. He was being stupid. Wanted to play his gameboy but it needed charging but he wasn't having any of it. In the end I just flipped and told him he was being silly, and he started going mad at me. I led him to the stairs and asked him to go and chill out in his room for a while. He started yelling he hated me and tried to hit me. I lashed back and smacked his bum and told him he was naughty and to go to his room for the rest of the day. He's not even crying. He's sitting in bed yelling that he hates me. Why can't I just be a good mummy? I could esily walk out and not go back.

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Blu · 02/06/2005 15:14

What's happening now, FM?

shalaa · 02/06/2005 15:31

FM, I have no experience of a toddler but please don't walk out on your son! It doesn't sound like your HV understood what was happening, call her again and tell her your seriously on the brink of walking out on your son and that you need help NOW. Don't let her tell you to 'give it a few weeks' you obviously want help as your posting here so you do care about your son.

Your NOT a bad mum, your just having problems and with the right help i'm sure they can be overcome, please don't give up there are people who can help you.

Enid · 02/06/2005 15:32

can you go and give him a hug and tell him that you are sorry?

Blu · 02/06/2005 15:44

FM?
When I have felt that I have flipped and gone over the top with S, I have apologised, told him why I was cross / frustrated in the first place, but that i shouldn't have done so much shouting etc, and that i am sorry. It usually helps to get him to talk, too, about how he gets so worked up.

Have you been back to your HV? I wondered how you are feeling generally now, and, like batters, wondering whether you could be depressed?

I hope DS has calmed down - could you initiate a jopint activity with him that he would enjoy? I don't mean as a bribe out of his cross-ness, but as some positive time together? Like ask him to help you mix or stir something for tea?

chicagomum · 02/06/2005 16:47

Just noticed this thread and have scanned through, I'm so sorry you're having such a tough time of it. The trouble is that parenting is a 24hr job day in day out. I regularly wish I could get of the merrygoround just for a while to take stock and get in control of the situation. I have problems with my dd who's only 3.5. It seems I spend a huge proportion of the day telling her off, the trouble is she doesn't listen I find myself telling her to stop doing something over and over and over.... and she just coninues. We use the naughty step system from suppernanny and that was working for a while, but now she takes herself to it when I start getting cross with her so it's lost it's impact sometimes I feel like I am smaking my head against a brick wall. BUT then she will turn around and do something really lovely and it reminds me why I wanted kids in the first place.. As many of the others have said I do think you should look to getting some help and you also need to have time for you. You are a mother foremost, there's no getting away from that, but you are also a person in your own right. Do you have an activity/sport etc you used to enjoy before you had children? You need to try and arrange to have some you time every week to get away from it all, it will really help your frame of mind.

Original poster

flippedmummy · 02/06/2005 17:27

i called him down and said that it upset me when he was being naughty. he said sorry and started crying. I did the same

OP posts:

Enid · 02/06/2005 17:33

please tell me you had a little cuddle

Original poster

flippedmummy · 02/06/2005 17:35

yes we did

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Original poster

flippedmummy · 02/06/2005 17:35

i feel so bad about what i did. I know it will not make it right though

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Chandra · 02/06/2005 17:53

I have just scanned through the thread so appologies if I say something that has already been mentioned.

I had a rather problematic relationship with my mother as a child so I can relate to some of the things you described in your first post. It must be difficult for both of you but you are the adult here and I'm sure there are lots of things that can be done about it, things can improve, trust me on that. As I said my relationship with my mother was awful but now she is one of my best friends.

I think that your DS behaviour may be caused because he can feel you don't like him very much, or as much as you like your other chid. Remember that getting attention from you. even if it's the wrong sort, is better for him than getting not attention at all. I believe that if you are consistent with him (not changing the rules and not allowing him to get things always his way) may help him to see you as a person that he can respect and trust. It's about being firm without being harsh.

There are other things related to how bys deal with things. I have found Stephen Biddulph books very useful perticularly The COmplete Secrets of Happy Children, and Raising Boys.

HTH, in the mean time a big hug to both of you, I think you love each other very much is just a matter to find the way to express it better.

{{{{{Hugs }}}

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