Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

My 5mth old only wants me and I'm afraid its hurting Dp

13 replies

TheBreastmilksOnMe · 22/02/2009 22:26

He only wants me to settle him to go to sleep and for naps. I'd love Dp to be able to take over more and just for him to feel more involved but everytime we try to get him to settle DS it always ends in him breaking his heart and me having to take over and calm him down. I'd hate for DP to feel rejected as I know he does and want to know how to make things better. Is this normal behaviour?

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
BoysAreLikeDogs · 22/02/2009 22:37

awwww

Can your partner take on the bathtime routine, to give them one to one time.

It is v easy to fall into the trap of doing it all because it's quicker for you to dress the baby/change his nappy/bath him yourself.

Remember that this too shall pass

divedaisy · 22/02/2009 22:38

How long do you give your DP to settle ds?? It can be hard for you to listen to, but it is important that dp can do this too no matter how long it takes. As you are bf your ds will know your smell etc and will prefer you, but he will have to get used to his dad being there for him also. I'm also not criticising you here, but try not to suggest to dp that he is doing things 'wrong'/not as you do - when you say you 'take over' he may feel that. Your dp and ds need to work their relationship out between them. It is a special time for them too. Good luck!

piscesmoon · 22/02/2009 22:40

I should go out and leave him to it. They need time to develop the relationship and they won't if you are always there to take over. You don't have to go far-just shopping for an hour.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting
Original poster
TheBreastmilksOnMe · 22/02/2009 22:42

Dp hates listening to him crying just as much as I do and because nap times and bedtimes are not the ideal time to do any type of 're-training' I must admit we havn't let him cry for long in DP's arms. 10 minutes max maybe? DP does do the bathing some nights too. Is 5mths old too young/too old for this?

OP posts:
piscesmoon · 22/02/2009 22:47

I think that you should have let him have had more care from the start, as there is now a difficulty I think that you have to allow him to do much more while you are there. Do it together for a while and try and get him to see your DP as fun. When DC gets more confident take more of a back seat until you can manage to go out and leave them together, on their own without you.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 22/02/2009 22:53

Definitely agree with what's been said so far, you have to step back and let DP do more. I agree it's not nice listening to your baby being upset, and when you are BFing the temptation to shove a boob in their mouth and rock them to sleep is overwhelming! Try to do it now - your DP needs to learn his own ways of settling and calming DS. My DH has felt a bit out of things at times, but he is brilliant with DS and has his own methods of soothing him and getting him to sleep and his confidence grows all the time.

divedaisy · 22/02/2009 23:02

it is also possible that your son has learnt that if he cries hard enough you will come to the rescue! You have done a great job and being a first time mum can make you very protective of your baby. Also it is easy for your dp to use the excuse that he finds the crying hard to listen to as a reason to let you get on with it! What interaction does your dp have during the day without the stress of having to settle him?

cory · 23/02/2009 08:40

Agree with the above. Quite frankly, if it had been the other way round- and some children do prefer their Dads- then presumably your dh could not have taken time off work to rescue ds every time he cried. You would have had to put up with a lot more than 10 minutes of his crying. Perhaps you already have on a day when you've been alone and ds has been unsettled? But if so, no doubt you got on with it because there was noone there to rescue you. Your dh needs the same situation.

georgimama · 23/02/2009 08:43

Just to put contrary point of view, I think it is completely normal for a five month old baby to want their mum more than their dad, particularly at bed time/nap time, and especially if you are BFing (don't know if you are or not).

DH bonded with DS in other ways, playing, reading, just being with him. Five months is very very young.

GooseyLoosey · 23/02/2009 08:50

I think it is normal and it is normal for your dh to feel heartbroken. With ds, it was the other way around and he preferred dh to me (for quite some time) and I cannot tell you how awful it is.

2 pieces of advice:

  1. I really do understand how terrible it is for your dh, but he should not show how upset he is to your baby. He should just carry on offering your ds unconditional love, no matter how much he is rejected (and I really do know how hard this can be); and
  1. Give ds and dp some time together - not doing something that's part of the routine at first, but doing something fun. Get dp to sit and play with ds for maybe half an hour or so (gradually getting longer) with you somewhere else entirely.

Good luck - it will get better for your dp.

MrsBadger · 23/02/2009 08:55

I am with georgimama - if it's only at sleep times that he just wants you make sure dp has lots of time with him at all other stages

for ages dh did the whole evening bath and stories routine and I just stepped in and did the very last feed to put dd to sleep

doing something (gym, yoga, a course/class, choir, book group) that means you are out of the house one bedtime a week every week can help too.

Tangle · 23/02/2009 10:06

I'd also be on on the "go with the flow" side. DD was very much a mummy's girl when it came to sleep - I didn't go out in the evening for 18 months because if she woke up and I wasn't there she'd just scream and scream and scream and scream and scream at DH until I either got home (up to 45 minutes later, by which time she was beside herself and so was he) or DH put her in the car and drove (and kept driving - as soon as he stopped she'd wake up and scream and scream...)

Its hard. I do think its normal. DD will now go back down for DH fairly reliably as long as its before midnight - but send him in later and its a non-starter. DH has done lots of other things with her while she was going through this and I think they have a good relationship. Now she's nearly 2 and starting to have "Daddy" phases and I'm realising just how hard it must have been for him.

Its true that if your DH was at home and you were at work he'd have to find a way to cope - but then he'd be the main parent figure for your DS and the dynamics of your family would be different.

Even though its been very restricting on me and hard on DH, for us it has been easier overall to go with DD's (very strong) preferences. We decided that whilst it would be convenient at times for DH to be able to get her back down, we didn't need it to happen as such so we didn't force the issue. For us that was the right solution as trying to change things was very stressful for all involved.

Original poster
TheBreastmilksOnMe · 23/02/2009 10:29

Interesting. I am the main carer as Dp works all day until 6pm then when he comes home he plays with DS and one of us gets him ready for his bath and bed for 7pm so he doesn't get very long with him in the evening. He also gets DS up with him in the morning which is nice as I then get about an hour of uninterrupted sleep before DP drops him off back in bed with me and goes off to work. On the weekends I try to let them have as much time together as possible. I feel more reassured now that it's quite normal and natural for DS to have such a strong attachment to me and yes I am BF too. Thanks for the replies!

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page