Any tips on how to get a 3 year to do what you ask

[Greatfun]

I have a faboulous but very willful 3 year old daughter. DH and I are getting to our wits end with certain aspects of her behaviour so just wanted to know if any of you have any tips for the following:

1. When we are out DD says she wants to walk but then runs off all the time. Never out of sight but enough to mean it takes about twice as long as it should to get anywhere. Her favourite trick is running around shops picking various items up.

1. She doesn't listen to a word I say. Example: I put DD in the car first so she can't run about whilst I put her younger brother into his car seat. I have to ask her about 10 imes to get in the car seat. The same happens with most instructions such as sit down to eat, sit down to have your shoes out on, etc.

1. The tantrums. Whats the best way to deal with this. They normally happen when we are out and I want to go somewhere else.

I have no doubt made myself sound pathetic but I am really quite a strong character. I just find I end up screeching at her which I know is not helping so what I really want is some reassurance that my 3 year old is not the only one like this and how you have managed to change the behaviour.

Thanks.

Sounds like my 3 year old. My approach is as follows (in theory but sometimes shouting just happens)

1. If ds runs off he then has to hold my hand or the pushchair which he doesn't like. After a minute of that he is usually much better at staying close by.
2. I build in a consequence that he doesn't like. Taking your examples - 'climb in your car seat or I will lift you in' (very independent so hates being 'helped' in any way), 'sit on your chair or I will take your food away', 'put your shoes on or I will put them on you'
3. Time out works for ds. He needs the space to calm down.

You've just described my DD1 who has just turned 4. I was going to post on the exact same subject! I don't have any tips but my sympathies. I feel like I've gone from respectable person to screeching banshee. I've read 'how to talk' and have adopted all the practices but to no avail. The naughty step doesn't work, neither does any other kind of sanction e.g. removing a toy.
Depending on other factors, some days i feel that I'm slowly loosing the plot.
Will watch with interest!
Good luck!

much of the same battles here, only she is the youngest of 4 and non of the others were anywhere near so challenging!!!

If I make a threat (ie no pudding if you don't stop singing and waving your hands around at the table) then I follow through. I try to make the consequence appropriate.

The running off thing we had when she was 2, she just got plonked in the buggy which she hated so that one did work after a few months!

Promise of a sticker would probably work!! Think I'll dig some out tomorrow.

My ds is 3 and actually turned round to me last week and said 'Mummy I don't have to listen to I word you say'! We had words! He doesn't particularly run off but dashes around getting under peoples feet. I'd had enough in supermarket today and warned him would send him out. I followed through and dh took him to car for 20 mins. He was well behaved for remainder of shop! Only last for half an hour or so mind and then I seem to be back to square one. He seems to blow his top at least once an hour (basically whenever I say no or ask him to do anything.) I too will watch with interest!

Greatfun - Oh we've all been there, believe me. At that age she is trying to be independant and will try to break through your rules and boundaries!! I used sticker charts for various things and after getting so many there was a reward - didnt have to be much, maybe an extra story at bedtime. If DS ran off he would be given one warning to stay beside me, do it again -2nd warning, 3rd time straight into buggy without debate. Try sticker chart for listening skills - but remember she is only 3, my son is 6 and listening can be tempermental!! As for tantrums - there were times I just found somewhere safe and private close by and held the child firmly. No talking, debate, smacking etc - basically ignore it all, but hold them firmly ensuring you can't get headbutted or kicked!!! when the time is right speak to your child and explain what was wrong and why it was wrong. Listen to what she may have to say - it is a 2-way thing, but youre the adult and make the rules!

I read plenty of good books and my favourite one, and easiest to implement is '1-2-3 Magic Effective Discipline for children 2-12' by Thomas W Phelan. Also found 'Toddler Taming A Parents Guide to the First Four Years' by Dr Christopher Green

like cookiemonstress I too took toys away from ds (but NEVER his bedtime favourite). Toys mean something to kids and it is a good way to teach them I think. There was a time when DS lost most of his Thomas the Tank toys and he earned them back one train at a time for various things! Just make sure you reward the small steps rather than the big ones. And ask yourself if you do award the good rather than punishing the bad behaviours - it is sometimes hard to praise what a child does that is good because our attention is not necessarily drawn to it the same way bad behaviour is.

Oh thank you MN!! I was eriously doubting my parenting abilities. I keep imagnining that DD is so muh worse than all the other kids I see about and what exactly did I do wrong. I forced her into the buggy today which led to a massive screaming fit. Fortuntely she is low on will power so gave up after 10 minutes. I am going to start taking sticker charts out with me as I can get her to do almost anything for a sticker. I have also out her bedtime back an hour as I think alot of this is down to tiredness. But will she nap in the day? Of course not!

i have put my 3 1/2 yr old bedtime back by an hour recently too and it has really helped her behaviour. (though now means baths have to be in hte mornings and tea time is really rushed but i do get an hour with her little sister who still goes to bed at 7!). bribery works better than shouting though i always go through shouting before i remember how ineffective it is ! i suspect these are all difficult ages and we have to muddle through as best we can !

...

Not being flippant, but like cargirl the youngest of my 4 ( a boy)has been a real handful, and now at just 5 is beginning to become slightly easier. my others weren't dull compliant clones at 3 and 4 by any means but no4 has been one tough nut to crack.

Apart from as i said waiting until he turned 5, I found that prompt following through with an undesirable consequence, although wearing to enforce, has helped somewhat re bad behaviour. make your boundaries clear, whatever you decide they need to be in your family. oh and i ignore tantrums totally. We hardly get them now.

ahhhh ive read books on spirited children, toddler taming and baby whisperer for toddlers and still can have major issues with my 3.6 DS! Some things that seem to work, sometimes are; countdowns leading to consequences e.g come here by 5 or we're going to have to go home 1......2.....3 if he comes before 5 lots of praise, a bit if on 5 and if later follow consequence through! This is often confiscation of prescious toys or DVD! We also use when..... then! e.g when you've put the playdough away you can choose a dvd! When you're sat at the table you can choose milk or orange etc! we also try to ignore refusal e.g. not wanting to get into the car, put in the front garden all get in car, wave and pretend to go...usually does it! Tantrums, keep calm remove and speak to them when calm! TBH we rarely take DS to the shops as he'll wander follow 'tracks' on the floor like a train etc! If we nip somewhere I may say he can choose a comic or treat if he's good, and make sure he gets nothing if not!!

A child psychologist told me that a 3 year old child says 'no', on average, to 1 in 3 of the things you ask them to do! (I think this includes ignoring you as well as actually saying no).

I have found my 3yr old dd very challenging and my next door neighbour recommended the book "The incredible years" by Webster-Stratton. I have found it very useful - it has strategies for staying calm (very useful, IME!) and how to focus on the good behaviour and ignore the bad. There are still some issues that I need to work on with dd, but we are getting there.

It actually also made me think that sometimes my expectations, in relation to a 3 year olds obedience/behaviour were too high!