Were your parents very strict or overprotective? How has this affected your Parenting?

[CrushWithEyeliner]

Mine were both, primarily my Mother and it is really made a difference to the way I bring DD up. Although she is just 2 I make a conscious effort to encourage her to try new things, new experiences and mingle with lots of different people; I think it has built her confidence as like I was she is inclined to be shy and a deep thinker and a worrier. I was kept in a bit of a bubble until school.

I am also aware that in her teenage years I want to show trust and give her more freedom that I was, as having such overbearing untrusting parents did mess me up during these years. Having said this I don't want to be too relaxed about things like BF sleeping over and drinking that kind of thing. It's hard.

Would like to hear if anyone else has the same mentality...

My mum was (and still is even though I am nearly 44) overprotective, my dad just went along with the flow - for a quiet life. She still does my head in now.

I vowed I would never be like her and hope that I am succeeding.

I know she means well, but I feel suffocated most of the time.

I remember pleading with her that it was warm enough to wear knee high white socks rather than woolly tights to primary school and I remember wearing my first bra - she made me put a vest on over the top.

I started seeing DH just before I was 17, but mum did put me on the pill (she was pregnant with me when she married). DH was allowed to stay over, but not in my room, which is fair enough.

With regards to drinking, she always said that DH was very sensible so if out with him, I was always allowed to have a drink because she knew he would look after me.

I think it's hard, my mother was very loving and supportive but also very strict and domineering, also a single parent so had total control. It's definitely left me with problems in being autonomous and making decisions, as well as being too approval-seeking, feeling like I'm only valued for achievement etc.

I have a DS and expecting DD, and I think all you can do is to make yourself as aware as possible of the messages you were given and the messages you're sending out to your kids, and engage your DH/DP to help as well. For example I find myself being very 1940s authoritarian with DS and taking quite a hard line to achieve good discipline, and in fact what I want to achieve is good discipline but also a child who learns to make their own decisions and understands why there are rules, not just obeys them because mummy says so (as I did). So I really make an effort to make things fun and not lay down the law, and to focus on his development as an autonomous person. but it's very very hard to not just repeat your own upbringing all the time... so my advice is just do a lot of thinking about your upbringing so you understand the mechanics of it, then you can at least unpick it all and decide which bits you want to keep and which not.. good luck!

my mother was freakishly overprotective and overbearing (to the point that i wasn't allowed to close my bedroom door and she insisted on washing my hair til i was 12) and was insanely strict to boot. my father never got involved... like bellavita's he just went along with her madness for a quiet life.

as a teenager her overprotectiveness and need for total control (she once refused to let me go to a friends birthday party as it was a sleepover and 'her parents could be weirdo's filming ye for all i know' )had the effect of sending me completely off the rails, drinking and clubbing at 15, not coming home if i was running late as i figured if i was going to be screamed at i might as well enjoy myself before i got home , sleeping with men in what looking back was probably some sort of weird aproval seeking behaviour, i did drugs... lots of them and moved out of home to get away from her at 17.

i'm strict to a certain degree with my kids but i try and make sure i limit the rules to those things that are important, i make a conscious effort to let them be kids and be messy and loud, a house can be cleaned and clothes can be washed but a miserable childhood can never be fixed.

i'm antisocial like my mother but unlike her i make an effort to drag myself out to things for my kid's benefit as i was very isolated as a child (only child) and it did affect me and made it very difficult for me to socialise with others my age as i hadn't a clue how to behave.

i won't pretend i get it right all the time but i hope that by making a conscious effort not to repeat her mistakes my kids stand a slightly better chance of being grounded, well adjusted people than i did.

I was never allowed to go away on school trips either. Money wasn't plentiful, but I know the issue really was that something might happen to me. By way of school trips, I don't mean a field trip day - could go on those. It was the ones that required sleep overs!

My DS1 (now Yr7) missed out on his Yr6 residential trip due to having a badly broken right arm which needed a lot of physio and a broken left wrist. He was still under the consultant and physio therapist at the hospital and due to insurance stuff was not able to take part - it broke my heart. It would have been fab for him to be away from us and have a little independence.

Re the hairwashing - I am sure my mother used to do mine at that age

Mine were both but sent me to boarding school at 12 so tat mad eit easier. My sisters went to day school and my youget sister rebelled in a humungous way at 18.

I am strict with my kids but I encourage them to try new things and never say no to any school activity. They are not going to boarding school.

My mum is very anxious and I am horrified to discover that I am like that about DD. I have to consciously stop myself from letting DD know that I am nervous as my mum does it a lot. Say I will be a bt worried about driving somewhere new and my mum will say oh no can you not go by train, I hate you driving on the motorway, especially with DD with you. Etc etc! Then I will worry even more!

Funnily enough though, I think I was given a bit too much freedom as a teen because I was so naughty! Mind you I generally lied and said I was staying with friends, the usual tricks so I supose she didnt really know what I was up to for sure.

I had a very strict dad. I was never allowed friends round and was not allowed to play out in the holidays as he set me 'projects' to do - like researching the history of india etc. Even though he earnt a fortune, we too were'nt allowed on school trips etc - and he never did anything fun with us. I could go on and on. I moved out at 16 and ended up doing all kinds of drugs etc. Got preg at 18 and started sorting myself out. I never want my kids to experience this so I make sure we do lots of fun things together and they can have their friends over etc. It certainly shaped my parenting

No, not really at all. My brother and I could disappear on our bikes all day and just resurface for food - we lived in London - and I came home from school on my own (3 miles away) by bus from the age of 9. But my mother was a stickler for manners, thank you notes and words like 'liar' were not allowed (yet 'fibber' was).

I had a fab childhood but in hindsight maybe we were probably allowed a bit too much freedom, given the occasions we did encounter trouble (witnessed a lot more), but we were usually in a group of friends which afforded us some protection & it made us street savvy in a way that I recognise that my dh, from his tough pit village upbringing, is not.

I'm not sure if my mother was naive to potential dangers or whether she consciously quelled her maternal worries and thought it was for our good or whether she just trusted us.

A few years back, we lived down south and DH had gone away to America on business.

I rang my mum and said I will come up for the weekend (about a 190 mile drive). She had a major major meltdown on the phone saying no I was not to drive up or get the train but to stay at home and be safe . I made the mistake of ringing her when I was at work and my boss had to speak to her and tell her to get a grip.

bellavita your mum sounds like mine!

girlwiththecurl, love your name. My mum was worse with me than my sister. And actually because I went to boarding school was stricter with me from the age of 18 than at anytime before. As a consequence I left home as soon as possible, didn't ever really feel part of the home tbh. My sister didn't go to boarding school and has different memories to me!
But even recently (I've been married for nearly 10 years) has tried to control me and make me feel guilty. I have had to be strong and overcome my anxieties about confronting her. My DH has been brilliant at supporting me in this.
But when I found out that I was having a boy first time around, I was relieved because I knew that I wouldn't be able to make the same mistakes with him that she made with me!
But now I have a daughter too, I know that I will be mindful of the way I will speak to her and deal with her in the future.
However, I already know that I am a totally different person to her, with different outlook and different personality.
I love her, but we.....bump along together. Distance is good for us!
I hope the relationship I have with my children is totally different.

"had the effect of sending me completely off the rails, drinking and clubbing at 15, not coming home if i was running late as i figured if i was going to be screamed at i might as well enjoy myself before i got home , sleeping with men in what looking back was probably some sort of weird aproval seeking behaviour, i did drugs... lots of them and moved out of home to get away from her at 17."

This is exactly what her parenting did to me. I think it turns you into a bit of a nervous wreck so going out is such a big deal it makes you more anxious and likely to do OTT things. I went to an all girls school and only had sisters. I didn't even have any contact with a boy until I was in my mid to late teens, never ever on a social basis so hence men because pure sex objects - potential shags and it took so long for me to relate to them on a normal level - even at work.

This is what I am super aware of with DD. Bellavita your Mum sounds like mine so much. I dyed my hair as experimentation a nice reddish colour at 14 and she went absolutely ballistic. Years later a friend and I dyed out hair together and I expected her parents reaction to be the same. I was so shocked when her Dad just popped his head in and said "your hair looks nice girls".

I think theres a difference between being strict and being over-protective. For example my mum had a very over protective childhood which left her to this day a very anxious and nervous person. So she tried to give us freedom as kids, for example we were allowed out on our own or over to friends houses but we still had to give her a time we would be back etc.

She also let us go to the local shop on our own as soon as we asked to go but I found out a few months ago that she used to wait at the window for us to get back. She knew she had to let us do these things but at the same time she was worried sick.

My DH had a slightly over protective childhood too and again hes a nervous person whos scared of failure (as he was never allowed to take any risks as a child) and hes insisdent that our son will have more freedom and will hopefully turn out more confident than him and my mother.

Oh the hair thing - I was a saturday girl at the local hairdressers and one of the stylists did my hair in the styleee of Human League.

When I got home, my mother cut my hair to make it match at both sides! When I went back to work the following saturday, they were not best pleased.

Thing is, my mother was a bit of a wild girl in her days and my grandad used to wait until she put her make-up on and get her dancing gear on then would make her take it all off and say she was not able to go out - he was very victorian in his ways. In fact she left home to live in sin with my dad in someone elses house.

Am finding reading this v interesting as I'm 29 weeks pg with DC1 and my Mum was very controlling. I very much hope my DC has a very different childhood to the one I had.

I understand looking back that my Mum had little control over her own life as my Dad is an alcoholic and went through his worst patch when I was between the ages of about 9-20. I guess she couldn't control him, so she tried to control me and my 2 brothers instead.

I'm so with you guys on the hair washing thing. Also, my hair was styled and cut how my mum wanted until after I left home and started paying for my own hair cuts. My mum could have saved so much money as all I wanted was to grow it!

I wasn't allowed to wear any jewellery to school and when I was in 6th form, she found out that I had taken a couple of rings to school to wear and I had all my jewellery confiscated for 6 months!

These are just a couple of examples. I could go on but I do try to understand her and not resent her too much. My DH had completely the opposite childhood so it will be interesting to see how our parenting develops in the coming months and years!