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Parenting

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Original poster

Help ds 7 cannot stand to loose esp at football , what can i do ?

23 replies

Lilyloo · 15/02/2009 19:59

Really need some help r/e ds. He goes to football training Sun am and dp coaches his team along with another coach. Basically i think ds is taking advantage its his dad and every week he seems to have a tantrum over one thing or another.
He doesn't seem to do this at his two evening sessions. DP not involved with these.
Basically today he throws a real tantrum stamping his feet he is 7!! Because the other teaam score.
He then goes into melt down , dp really wants to rant at him but doesnt just sends him off. Obv he has the other kids to look after and feels humiliated that ds behaved like this.

This is getting worse and i am at loss what to do. It impacts on every Sunday as dp really cross with ds for the rest of the day.
DS is and always has been really competitive and HATES loosing.
He was playing really well up to this point.
But as soon as he feels hard done by or the other team are winning he cannot cope.
Basically what should i do.
Have tried sitting him down , talking to him , threatening to withdraw it etc but it seems to be getting worse...

DP said he wont coach anymore but that isnt fair as he likes it and doesnt really address issues with ds.

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HecateQueenOfGhosts · 15/02/2009 20:04

Does he have any form of sn?

tbh, just think what the other kids must think of him? How they must be laughing at him? Mocking him? that is not going to be nice once he realises that!

You know what I'd do in this situation? I'd say to him "If you do this one more time, you are off the team."

And if he did it, one more time, he would be off the team.

One warning and out.

No empty threats. 1 warning and then action.

abraid · 15/02/2009 20:09

My son was a football prima donna/Maradonna at that age. As he grew up he started to develop more self-control and self-esteem. It sounds quite a natural develpmental state for a very competitive little boy and I wouldn't worry too much.

Maybe set up rewards for days when he DOESN'T do this? Points to put towards a new football?

Original poster

Lilyloo · 15/02/2009 20:11

No he is actually really bright and is a really well behaved kid at school etc.
Although i dont think they allow football.

So he completely understands when i talk to him but just said today he gets angry.

Have actually told him that today that all his team mates would have been laughing at him behaving like that.
I was thinking of maybe dp going without him for a couple of weeks and dropping him that way.

Is a week away too long though for punishment for something that happened today ?

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Original poster

Lilyloo · 15/02/2009 20:13

Abraid how did you deal with it ?

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HecateQueenOfGhosts · 15/02/2009 20:17

a child with sn can also be really bright and well behaved and understand when you talk to them, but can have problems in certain areas - like accepting losing, and having meltdowns and things.

no. i don't think it's too long. As long as you tell him today what the punsihment is, so that you don't drop it on him in a weeks time.

Mintyy · 15/02/2009 20:19

Agree with Hecate.

Cruel to be kind and all that.

Original poster

Lilyloo · 15/02/2009 20:25

Sorry Hecate true.

I think it may just be more his competitive personality. But the 'tantrum' today is a first and obv dp is furious with him.
Uusually its arguing back etc.

This obv makes it difficult as it is in front of the other kids.

Right tom will tell him that he wont be going next week , or should he go but be made to stand on the sidelines ?

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abraid · 15/02/2009 20:32

It took some time. We just kept reminding him of the consequences and trying to remember to praise him a lot when he hadn't over-reacted. As they grow up peer pressure becomes more important so we used to tell him to be careful how he behaved in front of his friends.

Furball · 15/02/2009 20:40

I would tell him today that any stroppy business at the next game and it's straight off, no messing. It's up to him, if he can control himself, then fine.

mamas12 · 15/02/2009 21:26

It is unfortunate that dh is the coach, we have a policy that you can't coach your own dcs because of conflict of interest amd it works. Can't either dh or ds go on another team?
This behaviour is quite normal I'm afraid what with the so called professionals having their tantrums on screen. What aabout the teams policy of good behaviour? We had the kids coaches and parents sign a pledge of good behaviour. I used to make a joke of the tantrums illegal tackles and dives we saw on t.v. and point out what was wrong and right in matches we watched. They do grow out of it and I think the passion is a good thing for his playing in the end. My ds was like this and he is now on the developement training programme for the local city team!
Good luck

vess · 16/02/2009 06:46

My ds was exactly like that last year, when he was 7. Very embarrasing. This year, at 8, he seems a lot better. It comes down to emotional maturity, I think.
Probably best to ignore the behaviour till he grows out of it. If you try to either punish him or comfort him, he'll direct his anger at you instead.

ThreadieMair · 16/02/2009 07:17

Hecate , bearing in mind what you say about sn and this kind of behaviour, I'd be really grateful if you could look at my last post on this thread about my son's difficult tantrummy behaviour (still! at aged 13!).

I'd be really grateful for your thoughts on whether my ds's characteristics have anything in common with someone on the asperger's spectrum, even though ds doesn't have sn.

HecateQueenOfGhosts · 16/02/2009 07:35

seeker · 16/02/2009 07:41

My ds went through a phase of this sort of behaviour at football. The coach sent him off the second he started, and once, when he argued back I took him straight home. The next 2 weeks he wasn't allowed to go and had to sit and watch dd riding for an hour. Then he was allowed to go back, and we gave him TONS of praise when he managed to control himself - and the coach made a point of telling him when he saw ds deal with a situation that might have caused a problem before. Touch wood he's been fine since them. But they do get very very excited at football!

nickschick · 16/02/2009 08:08

Lily i think this is normal all my kids have done this and we have to explain that theres winners and losers we cant all win and part of losing is being gracious and accepting that on that day the other side were better/luckier or whatever.

DS3-8 now shakes hands and thanks you for a good game even when playing monopoly lmao ...

ABetaDad · 16/02/2009 08:09

I agree with abaraid - my nearly 7 year old DS2 is just the same as he is very competitive.

He not only stamps his foot but harangues everybody on his team for being useless and is only happy when scoring goals and winning. He is also has a natural charm with women and has announced he wants a Ferrari.

Something of the Italian striker in him I think. Looking forward to teenage years!

seeker · 16/02/2009 08:26

Presumably he is suitably chastised for his behaviour, abetadad?

psychomum5 · 16/02/2009 09:07

I have a DS who is similar, altho he actually is finally improving now with the disipline sinking in.

he used to really get very angry with losing, and not just in football, but any game with winning/losing. so everytime he starts getting cross, we stop him playing.

of course, it is not so easy to do when he is not in our care (at school/cubs/football), but in those places I think the reactions from others (ie, the faces or the other boys laughing) are beginning to make an impact.

I think part of it is just how they are made.....his older cousin is the same. that said, he has many triats of his older cousin (DN), and DN has actually been DX with AS and ADHD, so maybe it is triats of those running thru as well, like hecate says ((pondering my own DS here BTW, not yours)).

GooseyLoosey · 16/02/2009 09:23

Ds (5) can't stand losing either and shouts and stamps his feet if he does not win. He will also go to totally inappropriate lengths to win such as declaring a "rule change" half way through or pushing people out of the way.

To be honest, this is just another manifestation of poor social skills and his lack of understanding of the give and take in all relationships and we are working on this. I have seen dramatic improvements over the past year as he has realised that if he does not let other people do things their way sometimes then they will not want to play with him.

In general, I think ds needs to be taught social rules that some children just intuitvely understand. We do punish him when his behaviour impacts on other children, but when it just makes him look daft, I'm not sure that sanctions are the right response and find what works better is to try and teach ds why it has all gone wrond (of course I would take him off the football pitch to do this).

I also think in this situation, it would be better if you could find someone else to coach your son. There is no way I could deal with mine stomping about without getting annoyed but I think a third party would be much less bothered by things that I view as terrible.

ABetaDad · 16/02/2009 09:25

seeker - yes. He gets sent in while I continue playing with DS1. It seems to be working and he is getting the message that teamwork is essential and it is not all about him.

God knows what I am going to do about the women and the Ferrari though!

Original poster

Lilyloo · 16/02/2009 13:32

phew thanks all so it is pretty normal then!

I don't know why they pair the coaches with their own kids but thats what they do. I suppose it makes it easier as they all train at different times.

Actually Goosey you are probably right it seems so much worse as dp expects ds to behave or feels it undermines him with the rest of the kids.
Seeker just thinking on what you said i wonder if it would help if i went along to the match. Just need to get someone to watch 2 dd's.
As you say i could intervene as i guess it makes it difficult for dp to do so.

Ironically he has gone to a football holiday club this week as it was already paid for. Not great timing but i have spoken to him about his behaviour there and will follow it up with the coaches.

I feel a bit sad if he cant continue his Sunday coaching with dp though as the reason dp started it was to spend some time with ds as he gets little time with him in the week.

I guess we need to try more competitive games at home and try and help him loose graciously.

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BigGitDad · 16/02/2009 13:39

I agree with Seeker, take him off, send him home until the behaviour improves. He has to learn. I have played rugby with guys who have aggression problems. They had to learn and dropping them was the only way they would change their behaviour. (And this is with adults!)
ABeteDad, do you think Italian lessons would help your son?

piscesmoon · 16/02/2009 13:56

I think that you have to be cruel to be kind. It seems tough but explain that he will be straight off and home-every time with no discussion or extenuating circumstances.

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