Quality family time

[Servalan]

Not sure if this is the right topic, but it does involve play with our DD, so hopefully it kind of fits in.

I've started a similar but different thread in relationships about quality couple time, but I also need some ideas about quality family time.

Brief background. DH and I have been having problems, many of which come from the fact we don't spend enough quality time together. I'm worried about how this will eventually impact on DD and her view of relationships.

In terms of playing with our DD (who is 2 and a half), I do most of this. DH will have playing time with her while I am cooking dinner (but they'll be in the living room so I don't see this).

We don't really play together as a family, and I think it would be good for all of us, DD included, if we have a bit of quality time doing activities together.

So what we are thinking about is maybe devoting one hour each weekend to doing an activity at home as a family. (Possibly we could go out, but it needs to be as non-pressured as possible and we are skint, so playing at home would be best).

I have tentatively suggested things like Play Doh, Building Bricks, a craft activity together.

DH has said that he needs me to lead this as he doesn't really have any ideas (it's all a bit outside his comfort zone). He is what you might call a "man's man" - he doesn't want to do anything too "girly". The main thing is I don't want it to be an ordeal for him, I just want to create a culture at home of us doing nice things as a family now and again.

Do any of you have any ideas of things we could try?

Thanks

my children are all a bit older, but we try and do stuff together on a sunday, and keep that as a family day. what a bout walk in park/feeding ducks? going swimming? do the activities have to be at home? even reading a book together is 'quality time'...my daughter enjoyed helping tidy up garage, sweeping leaves and digging in sand pit while mum/dad gardening...children at 2 play in parallel, so if they are alongside each other they are still spending quality time together...

I wanted us to spend more time together as a family, so we invested in a season pass for a local stately home (with large play area etc). For us, two adults (a two year old would be free) would be about £50. I know you're skint, but it is a one off fee (perhaps something you could save for over the next couple of months??), and then all summer, we had somewhere we could go that didn't cost a penny. It helped, because having paid for it, I could kind of enforce it on DH (who was reistant initially!) as I didn't want the money wasted.

He has now asked to sign up again this year! I know it is a lot of money to find initially, but we worked out that we saved money in the end, because we then didn't spend money on swimming, and other things, as all our free days we were like 'Let's go to Bowood', so we really did get our money's worth! HTH

dh doesn't much enjoy doing structured activities (playdoh etc) and if he's a man's man type your dh might not enjoy crafty things either. what works for us is just hanging out - we usually take the dog for a walk on sundays with ds, or go to park to feed ducks or something (all free). not free but pretty cheap is swimming which is a good one to do all together. to be honest what ds probably enjoys most is pottering around which he can join in with - watering the garden with dh while i'm weeding or something. usually however i find quality time between the three of us is best out of the house tho otherwise dh usually slopes off for a quiet life leaving me to entertain ds....

We have a family night once a week. We have pizza on a picnic blanket on the livingroom floow and watch a dvd together. Doesn't sound overly exciting but our boys love it, for one whole evening we spend time as a family and laugh over a film together.

Doesn't need to cost much either..you can get dd to make the pizza with you both, which she will really love.

We try to go to the park every weekend weather permitting. Its free, DD loves it and has loved it since she was the same age as your DD. Now she's 4 and a bit and she also really loves playing board games. That is her idea of real fun and we can all join in with that. They aren't expensive, even a pack of cards will do. Also jigsaws, again from quite young. You don't need to be creative and my DH loves it too because he's sadly competitive even with his 4 year old daughter

We go out for the afternoon on one day of the weekend for a brisk walk which generally incorporates a park type thing for the kids at the end - we go to one of the local woodland parks and then get leaflets on other free activities in the area from the visitor centre - we are skint and tight

If your with Tesco's you can use your clubcard points to get this pass where you can go to sealife centres/alton towers/ etc etc there's about 15 places. It's pretty cheap for what it is.

Otherwise swimming, soft play, painting, drawing, board games

joining the national trust costs about £60 for a family for 1 year..

we go to all sorts of parks & stately homes, today we went to belton house and had a valentines day cream tea (with heart shaped scones!) last weekend we had a snowball fight in the maze there, there are wildlife explorer days - where children learn about creatures/plants, mazes to explore, play areas, you get to see lambs being born, sheep being sheared, the list is endless! when we go on holiday, there are new places to visit and within an hours drive of our home there are about 15 places - all included in your annual membership..

my children are 14 (ds) & 8 (dd) and they always enjoy these days out (and they are definately NOT super content easy to please children ) have a look on www.nationaltrust.org.uk

also agree with others that swimming, cooking & games make lovely family activities

Thanks for ideas. Please keep them coming!

Sorry I haven't got back onto this thread for a couple of days - things have been a bit hectic.

I think I'd have a job persuading DH to join the NT or suchlike - both moneywise and effort wise. The trouble is he has a really stressful job during the week and at the weekends he is too exhaused to do much going out stuff (we will now and again, but very rarely and I think he would resent it).

DH refuses to go to the local park. Unfortunately, the one time he ever went to the park with DD on a Sunday morning, it was full of the local youth getting drunk and swearing and he ended up having to call the police. I personally have never had any problems like this with the park and have been there with DD loads of times, but now I can't get DH back there.

I've suggested swimming in the past, but he's just not into it. He says he hates swimming. I think a lot of it is to do with the fact that he's put on weight and feels self-conscious. He took DD swimming at a hotel a few months ago when we were on holiday, but they were the only ones in the pool. She loved it and still talks about it, but I can't convince him to come to the swimming pool with us

So I'm kind of limited to stuff at home...

I think there are some really good ideas on this thread.

Servalan; it sounds like your DH pours cold water over a lot of ideas but won't come up with any of his own, which is far from constructive. I realise that the thread is about spending time together, but to do this effectively it has to be something he is in invested in. Surely he can think of something??

Oh, and my contribution is going to the libabry together to choose some books, and the toy library to choose a toy that you can can then all play with. My DH and dd went to both library and toy library together this weekend and then we all played with the playmobile boat set that she had chosen.....all for free as well!

Cooking and digging holes in the garden (otherwise known as gardening!) are also popular in this house.

Thanks notyummy

I agree with what you say about DH investing ideas to make this more meaningful and effective. The trouble is, I think he is feeling out of his comfort zone with all of this. Our marriage has been in lots of trouble for a while (though I'm not sure whether he sees us as having a real problem. His homelife growing up was pretty disfunctional). I have come up with the idea of (a) having dedicated family time and (b) having dedicated couple time - all on a very small scale at the moment and as unpressured as possible to get us interacting as a family again.

He does interact with DD and play with her - just not when I'm in the room with them.

I have asked for 1 hour dedicated time a week where we do something as a family (either broken down into segments or all in one go). I would love it if he came up with suggestions. That would help me a lot, because the aim is that we all enjoy ourselves. In the meantime, I'm hoping once he's in his stride a bit more with it and used to doing a regular activity, he might feel comfortable suggesting stuff.

This is also why I'm posting here about it, to try and get ideas that I wouldn't necessarily have thought of that would appeal to him.

I think the library idea is good btw. I'll run that by him.

(good grief - why am I incapable of writing a short post? )

I think the trouble with the idea of introducing 'quality time' is the pressure to make it just right. I do understand what you mean, and why you are trying to do it, but that would be my concern.

What does he usually do at weekends?

He usually plays a Lord of the Rings computer game or watches TV to be honest.

He does do DIY when it's needed too. He's not lazy, but sees spending quality time with me and DD (mostly me I should imagine) as being an added pressure so tends to retreat.

I know what you're saying, and it is an artificial construct. I wish we automatically played together as a family. It might not work, but I realise it's time I stopped bitching about it and tried to do something positive and practical. I think the rut we've got into is because of habitual behaviour on both of our parts, and I'm trying to break it.

I meant to say that his job is very emotionally stressful and very different to being around toddler-related stuff. By the time the weekend comes around, he is emotionally burnt out. He adores DD and she adores him, and they do have lots of kisses and cuddles, he will apparently dance to music he likes with her (though I have never seen this) and he does her bedtime routine and stories every night, so it's not that he doesn't care. I think it's more that he is lacking in confidence - I don't want to make him feel less confident through doing this (which is my main concern) - I just want to have some fun time with my DH and DD really

We have never played automatically together as a family. I (and dh too I think) would find it just too artificial. We are pretty close though. We just hang out really I suppose. DH and I both have things that need to be done at the weekends, and generally we take a child along with us when we do it. Getting him to do some DIY while you do something in the same room and chat might be easier than a playdoh hour. Do you have a garden? Plant some bulbs perhaps.

Message withdrawn

Have only read the OP's post, but maybe your DH would prefer to be outdoors doing active stuff wiht you and your DD?
We have joined National Trust and it is excellent: acres of green space to run around in and play ball etc, and loads of them also have brilliant adventure playgounds. I bet this is more up your DH's street! All kids running wild outside too - I think....
That said, we are very outdoorsy people, so maybe I'm assuming a lot?

Just read your post, Op about NT m/ship.
Its £77 for a whole year! We signed up in January of this year and have nearly got our money's worth already!
Go to the pool lots of times and you'll soon be paying the same.
This is my personal opinion but I think fresh air really revitalises you if you're tired. It's the sittinga round at home that really mmeakes me yawn!

BTW, that would be £77 for all of you for the year.

Thanks for all your ideas. There are some really good ones here.

I still think it will be tricky to get DH to agree to joining the NT - but maybe that's something I can work up to with him!

Hide and seek hilarious with DC this age, spontaneous and dad friendly!

This is slightly cheeky...but we are shameless (and skint whilst on maternity leave). You can join the New Zealand National Trust for only approx £20 for family membership and use the card to get into British National Trust properties.

We alleviate the feelings of guilt by spending lots on cake in the cafe.

Dodgy Kiwi accent optional.

Hi Servalan, just wanted to say good luck with doing things as a family, and it sounds like you're really doing your best! My dd is still only a baby, but I really understand your problem, as my dp works 6 days a week and is really exhausted and pretty grumpy on his one day off. He's great with dd, and loves her to bits, but it's really hard to get him to do something either as a family or just the two of us. AND it's hard enough to find the time to do either what with only having Sundays together and having no-one around to look after dd. I actually have ended up with pnd pretty much because of this I think, but I have realised that I am the only one who is going to change the situation, hard as that might be, so like you, I've been making a real effort to think up ways to spend time together as a family and a couple that dp will actually agree to. My dp also feels pressured and gets defensive, so I think you're right in "starting small", with one hour a week and something like the library. Fab ideas on this thread for once you've "got going" with it too.

As for my "family plan", instead of moping that dp hadn't suddenly morphed into a romantic man on Valentine's Day and organised something, I got a friend to visit us and look after dd while she napped, and we went out for lunch to a nearby restaurant for an hour or so, and went for coffee and cake afterwards. Dp grumped at first when I told him about it, but I didn't lose my cool. And guess what, we BOTH had a lovely time. First meal out together since dd was born. Next stop, the cinema!

As for spending time as a family, I finally got dp out to the park with us after 9 months on Sunday last week. Again, he grumped about being tired, but ended up loving it and took photos of dd on the swing. This week we went again with no grumping and even [gasp] went for coffee and cake as well. Next Saturday is a bank holiday here so we have two whole days together for the first time. We don't have any money at the mo either, and no car, so we can't go away for the weekend or anything like that. BUT my plan is ambitious! I want us to take the bus into the city for the day. Dp doesn't know yet, I'm working on that

Anyway, have ended up writing you a book, but I just wanted to say you're not alone with this type of problem, and well done you for doing something about it! It's not easy and can really get you down. I was getting so resentful about dp's attitude, but things are definitely on the up. Good luck!

We always eat tea together and have a 'family film night' at least once a week. DH has taken DD out for a 'bonding' day today and they have gone swimming (after she fleeced him at the shops). We have annual passes to Legoland and go there as a family as often as possible.

A different idea coming up, and you don't have to like it yet it might be one that is agreaable with your dh without him realising at first?!

Something we have done since our first dc was a baby, who is nearly 6 now, dc2 is 1, is due to the mad times and hours of DHs work
is once a week go to the pub for a drink or two.
This started as we were living overseas at the time and everything was so family friendly and nobody frowned at taking kids out ever, but when we came back we found it was hard to allocate time where we were all together at home, DH would find it hard not to check the laptop for work or I would disappear to do more laundry etc, so what we did was to find a pub or two we liked, arm ourselves with bits and pieces from crayons/paper to some little toys/books and chill!

Now, I know what you might think, I know people who have children and swear this would not work, but what we found is that by doing this we were (a) all together and out of the house (b) we did nothing but interact with dc and the things we had brought out and also DH and I talked so much about different things. DS was never expected to sit glued on his chair, but we always sat somewhere with a little space and we always had fun. At the same time, over time ds got to interact with some other wonderful people in the pub, he adopted someone for grandparents almost, it didn't matter that she had dementia they just got on so well. To this day if we go out with other people in other areas to a pub for some food strangers will compliment us on how well behaved ds is, well at 6, he should be, but what they don't know is that he grew up with a visit to the pub, as a not uncommon thing, he learnt how to have fun/behave when in a pub!

If where we lived had a bloody cafe that was open past 4pm then we'd probably go to that too for a family drink/chat/.. don't think we sit there necking alcohol because we don't! But if you limit to it to a drink or two once a week it CAN work out. Anyway just an idea.