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Parenting

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Original poster

What do you think is the most appropriate age (of your dc) to have the ole 'birds and bees' talk?

50 replies

plonker · 13/02/2009 20:59

When is the ideal age/most appropriate age to discuss the 'birds and the bees' with your dc?

If you have already discussed it with your dc - how old where they? Was it the right age or do you think you should have discussed it sooner or maybe left it a bit longer?

Dh and I can't decide whether or not to broach the subject with our dd1. Well, thats not strictly true, I think we should and he thinks she's far too young (didn't want to post on AIBU - 'tis a scary place, lol). I was wondering what others thought?

I have no idea how to broach the subject with her, but hey, thats another post

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Original poster

plonker · 13/02/2009 21:26

Nighbynight - yes!! it has come from the 13 yr old dad!

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Cornflakemum · 13/02/2009 21:28

Book recommendations:

Usborne book: Where do babies come from?
(a bit nuts and bolts, so you'd need to talk about the emotional stuff as an 'extra'!)

I've also bought 'What's happening to me (for boys)' which was recommended to me, but we havne't used this one yet - I think it's more aimed at a child just noticing the first signs of puberty?

S1ur · 13/02/2009 21:30

I second (or erm fifth?) the ongoing developing in detail conversation.

Mine started when dd was 18m ish, and comes and goes according to her interest.

If she hadn't brought it up by now (at 4) I'd probably be making sure I was taking her to farm at lambing season or similar to spark some interest.

A good book for youngish one is mummy laid an egg

Cod used to post to an ace one for older children... erm will see if I ever bookmarked it.

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Original poster

plonker · 13/02/2009 21:30

I don't think dd knows an awful lot. She is quite naive. She is mixing with older kids/teenagers now at her hobby, and she is hearing things. I'm worried about her being confused.

Dh thinks she will ask when she wants to know and we should take it from there. Fair point, but what if she doesn't ask?

I know that a lot of you think that you should just take her lead when she asks but what I want to know is, if she doesn't ask, what age do you think she needs to know by?

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hotpasty · 13/02/2009 21:33

Mine are now 6 and nearly 8 and know a fair bit about the basics because we brought a basic sex education book casually into their evening reading time around the time they started asking (about 2 years ago). My DS, then about 4, subsequently told everyone he met that he had sperms in his body. Both subsequently lost interest but have recently started talking about it again. I was astonished today in the car when, in response to DD (8) singing "I kissed a girl and I liked it" DS (6) told her: "you must be gay". They then had an in depth debate about how you're a lesbian if you're a girl and gay if you're a boy... It floored me that they knew so much and were talking so matter-of-factly! There is obviously much more detailed information exchange going around in the playground now than in my day (admittedly some time back through the ages...)! A few weeks ago I decided to buy DD a "What's happening to my body?" book which she has enthusiastically shared with my poor DH (special emphasis on periods, to his dismay) because she is showing early signs of puberty. I think if you can introduce the topic early before they start to feel embarassed it perhaps becomes a bit more matter-of-fact and less difficult to broach later...

glucose · 13/02/2009 21:33

dd 4 asked me the other day - while watching animal ER - baby deer being delivered by c section .......

when I was in your tummy did I have clothes on?

ChasingSquirrels · 13/02/2009 21:34

I told ds1 when he was about 3.5y, he knew about them growing inside and how/where they came out as I had just had ds2. He didn't ask about how they got in, but we were talking about animal reproduction and just moved onto humans.
We had a cha a few weeks ago about contraception (he is 6) which was prompted by his questions.

I have talked about babies growing inside mum with ds2 (just turned 3).

TheCrackFox · 13/02/2009 21:35

I think the latest she needs to know by is 10. I started my periods at 11 some girls start even earlier.

seeker · 13/02/2009 21:36

Start the minute they ask a question. Ideally you shouldn't have to "do the talk" because it's just been absorbed gradually as they grow up - starting as soon as they can talk/listen.

But they NEED to know by about 7, because that's when they start really talking about it in the playground, and you want her to have the proper information, not playground sensationalism.

Lovetingles2 · 13/02/2009 21:37

well, I'm still not sure 9 year old ds1 needs to know everything. I've always answered questions honestly, but they've not arisen recently, he's only interested in football!
I've also heard the "sexing" term, but afaik they think it means kissing with tongues.
They were at a school disco tonight and the girl who likes ds1 was trying to talk, flirt I think, with him, he looked at her as if she was from a different planet, literally...bless!

Miyazaki · 13/02/2009 21:39

We have been doing it forever, since tiny. I remember the hideousness of my mum doing 'the talk' and decided to try not to get to that point, just have it be normal and ongoing, but prompted by their questions. That way it is normal to you as well.

seeker · 13/02/2009 21:43

It's always better to know stuff than not to know stuff. And the earlier the better.

Sidge · 13/02/2009 21:46

Girls are now entering puberty earlier and earlier, so I would say you need to have the talk by 7-8. Some girls are starting their periods at 8-9.

Original poster

plonker · 13/02/2009 21:49

Ok.

Dd is 9 years old.

It seems to general consensus is that I should start introducing a few more facts now.

I don't want to do a sit down chat and will try to do it conversationally.

Would you include all the facts at this age? Obviously I need to cover periods, that won't be a problem.
Sex, however, is not the easiest thing for me to discuss but I'm determined to make it less cringeworthy for dd than it was for me

Oh dear. Where to start?

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noonki · 13/02/2009 22:05

plonker - she will probably have a fair idea by 9 already so you might as well go the whole hog.

maybe get a book (don't usborne do a good one)

I ended up being the one to tell my DSS (as agreed by his mum the first person he asked would just give it too him straight..in reality he asked his dad who ducked out )

anyway.

Just tell her. It's NOT embarrassing it's just the way a baby is made.

I would tell her pretty much everything ...

I would include:

basic sex (egg/sperm/willies/vaginas/erections/ orgasms for both..and personally would add that being in love makes it better, )

then also:

periods
wet dreams
general body changes (pubic hair etc)
contraception
stds
oral sex

don't do it all at once, she will get confused.

dont make it into something embarrassing. IT'S NOT. Sex can be fabulous and by making it into something she is ashamed of won't put her off it but may mean she has al sorts of hang ups when she is older.

keep reminding her sex is for when you feel ready and not before.

Explain to her words such as virgin, prostitute, and all the terminology to do with bodily parts. Far better she learns from you what is good and what is not than either getting embarrassed at school or out of her depth.

good luck

Sidge · 13/02/2009 22:05

I think at 9 she needs to have a general idea about sex. The misinformation they pick up at school is unbelievable!

Keep it simple. Grown ups sometimes have a special cuddle when they love each other, and the man can put his penis in a womans vagina, sperm can come out and if the sperm meet an egg they can make a baby.

If the idea of a conversation is too difficult then maybe give her a book?

I believe this one is good

I haven't read this one but it got good reviews

Janni · 13/02/2009 22:09

My eldest son is 12 and burst in the door tonight with the news he'd seen on an Evening Standard poster about a 13 year old becoming a father. It was a perfect opportunity to have a chat about the dangers of underage sex and I pounced upon it with glee!

AMumInScotland · 13/02/2009 22:10

I'd second "Let's Talk About Sex" - it's aimed at about 9 to 12, so very suitable for your DD. It covers lots of things in quite a "matter of fact" way, which I think makes it easier if you're not that comfortable about it.

Hobnobfanatic · 13/02/2009 22:13

The best time is when they ask.

My LO when three asked how babies get out. I told her.

When she was four, she asked how they get in - so I told her. Obviously, only the basics. I tried to change the subject, but she kept pestering for weeks. Once I told her, she was happy and hasn't asked anything for ages now!

When she has seen me with a tampon, she asked what it was, so we had the periods talk.

No doubt we'll have to cover it all again in detail at some point, but it's important that she knows that I'll answer her questions.

Original poster

plonker · 13/02/2009 22:18

I've just had a look at the inside pages of the 'lets talk about sex' book. It does look ideal. Thank you

OP posts:

Original poster

plonker · 13/02/2009 22:19

Great advice Noonki - thanks!

OP posts:

BlueSapphire77 · 13/02/2009 22:22

As soon as possible in an age appropriate way. If they're old enough to ask, they are old enough to know.

My DS (11) knows EVERYTHING and i also included STI info (basic) have always been open with him about everything, he started asking around age 4.

Didn't read any of the other posts so if i've x-posted sorry lol

BlueSapphire77 · 13/02/2009 22:25

Sorry need to say i have been like this with DS after finding out my DD was worried about being pg by her abuser and realised i hadn't given her enough info at 7 to not be worried about that, TMI so i apologise but it made me very very open with my DS as a result.

Original poster

plonker · 13/02/2009 22:47

sorry to hear what happened to your dd Blue

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Bluesapphire77 · 16/02/2009 19:53

Its ok hunni i have got over it so has my DD, it will always be there but i use the situation to help and advise others if i can, it helps to heal..and knowing it helps one other person is brilliant
I didn't use it to get sympathy chick more to make a point..i wish my DD and i had had the 'talk' earlier, so she didn't feel the way she did, but in a way, i was upset that i had to tell her at a time i still felt she should have been innocent and playing with dolls and stuff.. so i understand it is hard to know when to do the B & B chat...you feel you are pushing your kids into an adult world too soon, and funny that you want to keep them 'your baby, innocent, ect'

Hope you decided what to do, some good suggestions for books got my DS1 a good book the other day but he is verrrrry knowledgeable and the book is aimed @ adults my mum gave me the very same one when i was 12 and it opened my eyes i can tell ya.
The worry for me is all the diseases kids have today (STI's) because my son told me about something called daisy chaining and i got the gist and found it shocking

Kids these days [reaches for G&T and knitting] Must be getting old lol. TG he is open with me thats all i can say, comes to something when your kids educate YOU does it not

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