Please help me to stop disliking spending any time at all with dd1

[thesockmonsteroflurve]

I love her so much and when she is being nice she is perfect, but most of the time she winges and screams and shouts and has tantrums and just makes me feel inadequate.
I hate feeling like this, I look forward to seeing her all day, then the second I pick her up she starts winging and whining and stropping at me, nothing I do is good enough, she wont learn anything from me as I cant get her to pay any attentions and I just end up feeling irratated with her, I thought it was me but dd2 is like a happy go lucky little sponge who listens to everything I say.
I am constantly trying to do nice things for her and they just backfire and I always end up feeling like I dont know why I bothered.
We have tried everything at one point or another, I think she is just a stroppy madam, how do I stop feeling so angry with her all the time, I love her so much but she drives me totally out of my mind.

how old is she? how old is dd2?

she is 5, dd2 is nearly 3.

one on one time seems almost always to be the answer ime. i took my dd to london last year when she'd just turned 5, we went on the train so read together on the way out, saw the tutankhamun exhibition, ate pizza, rode around on the tube etc. she was wonderfully behaved, i think because we were doing something so completely out of her comfort zone, she was pretty scared and did whatever i told her!

her behaviour afterwards massively improved too.

while it doesn't have to be something quite so extravagant i think getting totally out of our usual routine, having a proper adventure was really good for both of us.

is your dd the same with dp/dh (if he's around) or just with you?

btw not clear from my post i have 2 dds, 5 & nearly 2.

I know you say you've tried everything, so please forgive me if not helpful, but I would try to be totally consistent with completely ignoring the wingeing and whining (pointedly doing something with dd2 at same time) until she realises it will not get her anywhere, even if that means ignoring a huge tantrum in the supermarket or something. I would tell her that I am not even going to respond to things said in a whingeing tone any more. She is pushing your buttons and so your response (and it sounds really hard - I turn into shouty mum)is a factor i guess. Also you say you feel inadequate and not good enough, but clearly you are a loving parent and it might help her calm down if you stood your ground in being a confident parent. Is it all the time, or just get to you more sometimes?

My dd is 5 and pretty similar. In the last week I've tried to pretend to myself that she's the younger one. (Don't know how this happened)But it has really helped. Means that I expect less of her - and I leave my DS to his own devices a bit more (he's 3).

Also - sticker charts have really helped. Although the underlying problem is DD's attitude rather than her actual behavious if you know what I mean.

I must admit I am ok at ignoring to a point and then I turn into shouty mummy, I have tried giving her special daysd out just me and her, she just brags about them to dd2 and teases her, she gets a lot of time one on one, I take her to dancing and we go to a lot of parties and things together.
I feel better just for writing it down, I have times when it is too much, most of the time we are fine iyswim, problem is the more upset I get by it the worse she behaves, and the worse se behaves the better dd2 behaves.

I know how you feel but my dd1 is 9, I try really hard but it feels like everything I do is turned against me, all the other kids are happy but I think dd1 is different because she was so used to having me and all our family to herself then when dd2 came along and I started childminding she had to share and I think she finds it hard, I just do my best and sometimes we do have time on our own but not as often as I'd like tbh although because of how she is with me I guess I don't push for time on our own enough, I'm working long hours all week so that only leaves weekends and we're so busy with food shopping, cleaning, paperwork, seeing family or friends by the evening I'm shattered and dp usually ends up doing her homework with her.

I try to do things for her but then think why should dd2 miss out dd2 has already missed out on 6yrs with me as it is where as dd1 had 6 extra years with me and everyone doting on her but dd1 doesn't remember it as clearly as we do.

Just wanted to sympathise.

tbh i think you're expecting too much of her - so what if she brags or teases? typical sibling behaviour in my book. same with the whinging, ignore it. "wondering why you bothered" isn't good - you othered because she's your daughter and you love her, just because she's being difficult doesn't mean she doesn't deserve fun times.

do you think she is aware of you comparing her to dd2? have you read siblings without rivalvry (byt the how to talk people).

honestly, most difficult behaviour at this age is about unhappiness. find the root of her unhappiness, reassure her, you'll get your lovely girl back. it's a circle, vicious or virtuous, you just need to kick start it in the right direction.

I ahve actually just finished that book last week, I am about to get 'how to listen from the library.

Personally I don't think there's necessarily anything you can do about it. I think my dd1 who is 7 just has an inherently negative attitude to everything. It doesn't matter what I do. I have posted on here about her.

The only thing I can say to give you hope is that it has got slightly better as she has got older and more able to control herself, and also it seems to go in phases. Also sometimes when she gets angry she's frustrated about something else, but it comes out as anger towards me iyswim. It helps to know this and see that she feels comfortable enough with me to do this. Not sure if that helps you.

It's hard to accept it when i see other kids who seem to content and my dd just seems to want to fight her way through life. Her dad is pretty similar actually. But I try to accept that's just the way she is.

Sympathy to you.

I think you are right, I just want her to be happy, she is definatley better than she was, as is the explosions are less frequent and dont last as long, when she was a toddler she was known to have a four hour tantrum. she is a very angry person, we always try to be as understanding as possible, today it just got to me a bit.
Poepl have always said to me that it a sign of how comfortable and confident she is that she can have these tantrums anywhere, and she certainly has always focused any anger she has directly onto me. i think maybe because I am the person who is supposed to make her feel happy so she gets angry with me when she doesnt feel happy.
Another plus is that I dont think I will notice when she becomes hormonal. i think sometimes as a SAHM I would feel better about my own role if I thought both my dd's were happy and fulfilled iyswim.

People cannot understand unless they have a child like this, so I would take advice with a pinch of salt if i were you.

If I say to my dd that we are going to the park, she will reply with something like "Why can't we go to McDonald's?" It's very wearing. Other kids seem to respond to everything with an excited "Yes!"

Last summer we went to a theme park. It was quite expensive (have 3 dc) and when I asked her what she liked best she told me all the rides she didn't like. Sometimes I really want to give the "Don't you know how lucky you are" lecture.

I have learned to stop asking/saying certain things, e.g. Don't ever ask my dd how she is - you'll get a frowny face and stroppy shrug. Just keep the show on the road. One day she might just be able to say "I'm fine."

my dd does say fine in a kind of teenage I am not talking to you unless I have to kind of voice, I know exactly what you mean about the treats, yesterday i had bought chocolate lollipops from the supermarket for when I picked her up, dd2 was very excited, dd1 said I want a chomp, I said well you cant have a chomp you have a lollipop, she screamed for about 10mins. We have had a lot of incidents in the last few days, i think she is probably ready for half term.

My dd used to do that over treats. I'm sure that will get better. She complained today because she didn't want her toast cut in half. That would have been a 10 minute tantrum a couple of years ago. I explained that next time I would not cut it but I would not be making more toast for her today as that would be a waste. She sulked silently but ate it.

Sockmonster,
When I read your post I joined mumsnet just because I wanted to tell you - I have felt EXACTLY the same with my daughter (age 4).

I get very upset sometimes, but in more
philosophical moods I think maybe these little girls are just inherently critical and dissatisfied with the world, and endlessly despair at others (ie our) rank inadequacies. They are themselves, of course, perfect. We are scum.

They will probably grow up to be rebel human rights lawyers. Or belligerent trade unionists. I am sometimes very impressed at how my seemingly solidly founded views can be demolished effortlessly by a FOUR YEAR OLD!!!

On the other hand, mostly you are too exhausted to appreciate it and it just seems pointless quibbling, a painful flashback to the bewilderment of undergraduate philosophy. We even argue about the really basic things, like whether snow is in fact frozen water, or whether in the grand scheme of things it is really necessary to wash our hands after doing a poo. Even getting out of the house can be stalled for hours by the endless negotiations. And you practically need to call in a UN delegation to persuade her to brush her teeth.

Sometimes I can go along with it, but in the evenings after a long day at work I tend to shout and/or resort to "mothers coda" (ie, "because I say so") and then feel guilty for being authoritarian and for stifling an enquiring mind! AAAAAAaargh!

Alipop, you put that perfectley, all the qualities that drive me mad in my dd are qualities I admire in a woman. We once had an argument that went on for weeks about whether the item on top of the house that smoke comes out of is a chimney or in fact a nose, she would not be budged, I felt the need to correct ad educate, it will never work.

Had to pop back to add my dd's negative statement of the day...

I announced we were going out, to which she immediately replied "Why can't I take my bike?" I had said absolutely nothing about bikes or no bikes. She obviously just assumes she will never get what she wants out of life.

Anyway we had a chat about asking for things in a positive way - not that hard really if you ask me.

KT my mum reckons we need to teach children to be manipulative, ie give a compliment before asking for something and learning to bloody well smile.

Some can do it naturally I think! My ds knows how to butter me up - I get suspicious when he's too nice.