Accusation about grandpa

[Idratherbeincognito]

I'm a regular mumsnetter but posting anonymously because of the stigma and sensitivity of this problem.

I'm afraid that this is going to be a long post.

It started last Friday. DD (2.9) started to complain that there was a spider in her car seat and was wriggling uncomfortably. Conversation went a bit like this:

Me: are you itchy and uncomfortable?
DD: Yes
Me: Where?
DD: On my bottom
Me: bottom or twinkle? [twinkle is her name for vagina]
DD: twinkle
DD: It's sore, I scratched it
Me: You scratched it? Has anyone else touched it?

(Yes I know leading question, I don't know what made me ask it really)

DD: Yes grandpa
Me: Grandpa, are you sure?
DD: Yes.
Me: Where did this happen?
DD: In the garden
Me: What did you say?
DD: I said ouch

I then decided to test dd. Basically I asked her if anyone else had touched her i.e. grandma, daddy, the ladies at nursery. To which she replied 'no'. I would have been happier if she had replied 'yes' to the others as that would have made the whole grandpa thing a bit less likely iyswim

Dd does occasionally come up with embellishments or little fibs. For instance, she will say that the staff at Day Nursery smack her, and once she told my friend that the graze on her knee was because daddy pushed her, when in fact daddy had tried to catch her when she fell from a climbing frame (and thus grazed her knee).

I don't want to dismiss this is a fib though just in case it is the truth.

I did take her to the doctors on Friday to discuss this. The Dr examined her and she has a bit of thrush but not physical injury or anything down there. The Dr said she will discuss this with an expert colleague in child protection for advice, and has arranged to see me again in a week to discuss further.

Just don't know what to think. What would you think in the circumstances?

Well thank goodness that she seems to have forgotten about it.

Must be tough for you living opposite and having to see him from time to time. Good that you are moving and can really put it behind you

just wanted to say, beetroot, that is truly awful. brought tears to my eyes, poor you and dd

idratherbeincognito, its good you are so cautious, hope everything is ok. that book looks great xxx

This sounds as if its likely to be nothing to me as well. DS2 does that- for example I asked him how he got a scratch on his arm and he said "ds1 did it- he pushed me down the stairs"- no I know that ds1 pushed him out of the way (after a warning from me) and he fell down the stairs, and that had nothing to do with the scratch.

If she had volunteered the information without any sort of prompt then I would be more concerned (or obviously if it was something like beetroot's case where she wouldn't even know about licking etc). This sounds more like "has anyone else touched it?" oh got to say something "yes grandpa". Ds2 would be the same. Whenever he has a burned piece of food if I say "who burned it?" he always says "granny" whether she's around or not.

Beetroot, first of all I would like to say how sorry I am about your dd, and secondly, thank you for recommending that book.

Even though nothing has ever happened, i have bought the book to read to dd1 and dd2 in the hope that it makes them more aware without frightening them.

Jimjams,

Thanks. I think you are probably right. However I am still going to do the doll 'reconstruction' and go through the books with her just to be on the safe side.

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Please don't think I am speaking out of turn but if the dr. is going to speak to social servies it might be best to leave it and see what they say. It would be awful to put thoughts in her head or equally replace what happened with something else.

cazzybabs,

Well yes I had wondered about that

Any other thoughts on this and how I might work out whether it did or did not happen? My parents phoned last night and I found it very difficult not to be cold and distant with them....

In practical terms I would suggest you don't think more about it for a while as otherwise you maybe addint to much fuel to what you suspect. If I were you, I won't ask her more questions because she may end up making stories if she realises that you are interested to hear that (that something awful is going on) and/or you may make her feel as if something very bad has happened which I believe she won't be ready to understand yet. I would drop it for a while but would keep an attentive eye on the grandpa just in case.

What about phoning your local Social Services Childcare Team or the police Child Protection Unit? They might be able to give you some advice about how to handle things.

Cazzybabs advice is very good, wait. Involving the police or social services at this stage, when you are not really sure about it, may take a nasty turn on your family, specially if the granpa is innocent.

Oh dear, por you, what a horrible thing to have planted in your brain, whatever the evantual conclusion is.

I wondered how long grandpa has been staying - if not long enough so that the thrush must have started spontaneoulsy, then it does seem to be quite a co-incidence that she should have a bit of thrush AND grandpa had been inappropriate, IYSWIM. Ds always likes to have an answer to direct q's...but I think you are doing the right thing in checking all the 'what ifs'.

I think I'll ring the NSPCC helpline for advice - can't hurt can it...

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Rickman,

can I CAT you at some stage to discuss?

It's eating away at me....

What's bugging me is that if dd said something like that about her dad (dh) I would be inclined to disbelieve because I just know that he couldn't do something like that...but with her grandpa (my dad) I didn't have the same reaction. I mean, I don't find it unbelievable in her grandpa's case for reasons I can't put my finger on. Perhaps it's because I don't like him a great deal and don't hold him in high regard.

so difficult. my son is same age and comes out with the most ludicrous things. he told me once about a nursery worker being really horrible to him and shouting at him. he went on about it for a whole week. I was convinced that something horrible had happened. turned out the person in question wasn't even in that week, was in Spain! They do have very vivid imaginations at this age but you should do more detective work and don't dismiss. don't be distant with your dad though in case it turns out to be nothing. he'd probably be mortified if he knew.

I must admit I wondered what impulse made you ask such a q so directly, and where it came from.

Contact the NSPCC and ask to speak to one of their helpers - they have trained staff who would help you with this - it is all totally confidential

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