Tantrums, Throwing (DD - 18m) and Discipline (me - help please!)

[BonzoDoodah]

My dd is about 18 months old and has started the tantrums. She is 18 months old and can already talk quite well (over 200 words I'd say) so can communicate quite a lot of what she wants (although not all). I know this is just a phase and will pass but I'm trying to work out how to get through it.

When she is having a major strop I generally ignore or lie her on the floor and say "go on kick your legs" - which sort of takes the steam out of it a bit. But she has also started throwing things. If in her high chair everything is thrown or swiped or bashed off the tray (including full plates of food). If not in the chair but eating she will take the food out of her mouth and throw that. Or reach for anything around to throw (nearly threw a stone through the TV the other night). They are terrific tantrums and I really don't know how to deal with them.

When she was calmly dropping/throwing her food off the tray (as opposed to tantruming) I've told her no throwing but she just completely ignores me. I raised my voice (no good) was very stern (still no good), tried looking angry, told her she was naughty, (sheesh) even tried gently slapping her hand (felt terrible afterward and it did no good). Any ideas anyone? How do you disipline and how do you deal with the destructive tantrums? (Is 18 months too young for a naughty step)?

Hi,

My DD is now 23 months and around Christmas time she started awful tantrums which came from nowhere. she would lash out at us and try to hit us, she would throw things and scream until she got her own way (which she never did) we were quite shocked that our lovely little angel had turned into a monster!

Luckily it has now passed (although i'm sure they will appear again at somepoint) but for now she is a lot better. She also speaks really well and we would explain to her that she was angry and that we loved her etc.

When she would have the tantrum i tended to keep calm (so not easy) tell her we loved her and ask if she wanted a cuddle. I wouldn't give in to what ever she was demanding and would just keep repeating myself. Then if it went on a long time (more than a minute or so) i'd then walk out of the room after telling her i am leaving the room and sometimes i would shut her in her room or in the lounge for a few seconds (partly because she seemed to difuse once no one was there and partly because i had to scream silently to the gods!!!

We have been using the naughty corner for a few months now and it totally works, i was told that the earlier you can use it the better - rather than when they are older and have had years of getting their own way or having different reactions.

We were amazed at the effect, we would say calmly that if she did X or Y again or didn't stop X or Y she would have to sit in the naughty corner (which is by our stairs but we use the stairs to get shoes on so i didn't want to associate this with being naughty - hence corner) then we gave her a final warning, then we would follow through if needed. This is important as empty threats mean nothing. We weren't mean or loud or anything just kept to our word. then we would put her in the corner - explain that she was here because she was naughty - and walk away, closing the lounge door for a few seconds. She would sit there quietly (amazing) then when we went back to get her we would ask her if she wanted a big cuddle and then carry with what we were doing.

To this day she has not reverted back once returning from the corner to the tantrum so it seemed to totally disperse the anger etc.

She now joyfully tells us when she is angry or grumpy and we can ask why and i'm positive this helps her to understand that we are listening and caring for her feelings. I know this sound grown up but i think it's important that children and toddlers know parents understand them - it's what tantrums are about i guess.

Good luck, hope this helps xx

ps - i also think that although it seems a shame to use the naughty corner (they are so tiny and it seems so awful to see them sat there or crying to come back - which sometimes she would) but i totally believe that this is far better than losing your own temper and turning the whole situation into an argument - which is what i am sure would of happened with us.

i remember someone saying to me that toddlers don't have tantrums to upset or hurt you, which i chant to myself throughout an 'episode'! it is so hard to deal with and i feel so sad that my DD has to go through this but i guess she is out the other side having learned about what she is feeling and hopefully understands a bit more.

Now when we can see a tantrum building or she won't do something we have asked (nappy change or put coat on etc) we say ' do you want to go in the naughty corner?' and with that she says 'no mummy' and comes over and lets us do what we have asked of her.

Oh lastly we also give her limited choices which again seems to help 'which socks do you want to wear etc' i wonder if this helps because this age is all about learning about and controlling their surroundings?

Hi Heebychick - thanks for all that .... really helpful. I think I will try the naughty corner and see how it goes. We do try to give her choices but at the moment she always picks the second one we offer (quite funny - Wheatiabix or Corflakes? "Flakes!" Okay Flakes or Weatabix? "BickBix!" )

I like the thought of your DD telling you she's grumpy. Good emotional intelligence. I hope we get there soon.

Any ideas on the throwing and stopping her doing it as she's doing it? (e.g throwing stuff from her highchair?)

Thank you, yes the 'grumpy' bit is funny, she told me this morning she was grumpy and i said 'oh that's a shame that you're not happy darling' and she said 'no mummy grumpy today need cuddle' bless her.

She does also throw things off her highchair or table, usually when i'm not paying attention or at the dog (poor thing) i tend to say 'no that's not very nice we don't throw things' then i take it away from her - even if it's food i will tell her if she throws it once more i will take it away (or mummy will eat it - which she hates esp if it's a nice yoghurt or a bunch of grapes etc!)

so maybe when she does it, don't react at all just pick it up, tell her that it's not nice to throw things and if she does it once more she will lose it and get down - end of 'play'. Would this work for you do you think?

it sounds silly but we did say to her when she was angry 'you are angry that's why you are crying' etc etc to help her link the word to the feeling maybe?

So maybe when your DD has a tantrum try telling her the word, maybe whilst offering a cuddle or something 'why don't you come and have a cuddle instead of crying? you are angry honey right now' etc?

So difficult isn't it! But i know from others and from what we have experienced that reacting def makes it worse (mind you try not reacting eh!!) but the 'i'm not affected by it but i understand' approach has worked for us.

good luck, let me know what happens x

Lots of great advice here - and yes - learning the words for emotions is an excellent idea. Something I'd not though of except for 'nice' and 'like'.

I did try the naughty mat (by the kitchen door) yesterday - and she was so surprised at being whipped out of her chair and placed there that it seemed to work. Then she came crying for a cuddle and it was forgotten. Lets see how it goes.

Hey that's great well done! - so much better than the long battles eh

We had a melt down this morning when i wanted DD to wear her new shoes not her favourite ones as normal but she didn't agree and we had big tears - oh dear. But i just offered cuddles and didn't back down and eventually she wore them - and kept saying 'pretty shoes' once they were on - tut

Keep in touch i'd love to know how it's going

xx