I'm a shouty mum, please help.

[cupofteaplease]

I've just realised what a shouty parent I have become

My husband picked me up on it last week and even challenged me on whether I actually like our dc. That, obviously, really hurt. But he has a point. After our conversation I have been monitoring myself and I realised that I really do shout quite a lot. Every morning before getting out of the house in fact.

I love my dc sooo much, and give them constant kisses and cuddles, but on the flip side I shout as well.

I don't want to be like this anymore. It's not fair on my dc.

I told dd1 who is 3 that she can tell me if I shout, and she has started to correct me, 'you're shouting again mummy!' But how do I stop myself altogether? Any techniques I could use? My dc are 3 and 20 months.

Try pretending you're 3 and what it must feel like being shouted at. Sorry didn't mean to make you feel bad but I sometimes think of a time my mum really shouted at me for something and I didn't even realise I done anything wrong. I remember thinking why couldn't she have just told me in a normal voice. Try thinking, just say it in a quiet voice - it's much more effective. If they don't listen just stop what you're doing and stand quietly. Does it really matter if you're a few minutes late. My dc are 14 and 16 and believe me it really doesn't. I wish I'd appreciated those early years more. I still shout occasionally especially when tired - we're only human.

dont beat yourself up over this - we all shout sometimes. But like you, i don't want to shout. I do think you have to remind yourself that it doesn't matter if you are late, not really - in the scheme of things. Mornings used to be a flare up point for me and i now find myself repeating - it wont matter if we are late, it wont matter if we are late.

I don't have the answer because i often find myself shouting, and know that its very easy to say just count to ten, because by the time i am shouting, i would need to count to a million

Trust me, I know how bad it is that I shout, which is my I started this thread, to get some help. I don't condone my behaviour for a moment.

It really does matter if we are late in the morning though, and I know this means getting myself up and ready even earlier. But as soon as I wake up, no matter how I tiptoe, the dc wake up. And then they are into everything, tearing their room apart etc. Then we get downstairs and I get grumpy because the kitchen is often in a mess, where ny dh has left before us, and then the dc start pulling things apart downstaris and emptying the shoebox and going on and on demanding things... and invariably, I end up shouting. In frustration. I don't always shout at them, often it is just randoming bleating about the state of the house and why doesn't anyone listen to me blah blah blah.

Grr, I am such a loser. But I want to change, I really do. I'm going away with the dc and my mother for a few weeks soon, and I think the break will be good because I'd never shout if I'm around someone else (which makes me sound like a bully, I realsie that), but hopefully a few weeks of changing my habits may help in the long run.

I think perhaps I need to remind myself that it doesn't matter if I leave the house in a mess in the morning. Except I know I'd obsess about it during the day and dread going home to a mess. But I'd rather that, than keep shouting.

Anymore tips?

Im a bit of a shouty mum too, and DH hates it. He has told me numerous times that it makes him feel quite low.

I am a CM, and I never shout when the mindees are around, so I know I can control myself but aaarrgghhh sometimes it feels like the only thing that works.

I know I can control myself too DST- I am a trainee teacher and I never shout in the classroom like I do at home.

Hubby has said he thinks I bring home my stresses from work and has suggested I stop off at the gym on the way home. Good idea in theory, but not practical for every day. But something's got to give.

I'm like this too and i'm trying so hard to change. What MelD1 said about imagining it from their point of view has helps. Half the time they don't realise they've done anythinbg wrong, they're just being normal 3 year olds.

It upsets my dh as well when he hears me and we have an agreement then when one of us (usually me) gets too shouty the other one just says quietly "shouty" and that helps cos sometimes you're almost unaware you are doing it.

diet - i'm a CM too and have never shouted at a mindee either so i know i can do it.

cup - i find i shout more when there is something else i'm worrying/stressed about and trying to work it out in my head while trying to sort out dc's at same time. I suppose i take it out on them which is totally unfair.

I found once I become aware and try to stop I do get better but it's a slow process, doesn't happen over night unfortunately no matter how many times i go to bed thinking 'tomorrow i won't shout'

Shall we all go for a 'shout -free' Sunday - one day at a time

Good idea. I'm in a suprisingly good mood at teh moment so no shouting here so far.

Haven't shouted yet today!

I'm glad one of my comments has helped. Sorry I shld have thought sometimes you have to be on time but it sounds like somethings got to give otherwise you're going to get more and more stressed. Couldn't you have a calm word with Dh about clearing away his things in the morning if that is starting you off in a bad mood. Away with mum sounds good. Have you tried getting yr 3 yr old to tidy up (presumably) her 'mess' with you either in evening or when you get back. They are usually taught to do that at nursery and the 1 or 2 toys out at a time rule often cuts down the clearing up afterwards. At my school the kids have to put away their toy/game they've finished with before getting out another one.

I have my shouty moments too and like you it was my DH your picked me up on it. Not that strangely when I get shouty so does DS. When I stop after a few days he does too. I have no excuse as I only have 1 3yr old. Heavens knows what I would be like with a 20mo too!

A couple of things that help me are

1. working out what sets me off. In my case it is when DS ignores me and does not answer a questions. So we talked about it and I explained it makes me mad. Now if I ask several times and no response I say "I am getting cross now and am going to start shouting!" Obviously I remove distractions first (e.g. pause the DVD and start question with his name)

2. if it happens in the morning more, is it caused by rushing. Get everything absolutely everything sorted the night before. Bags, clothes etc. My mum used to lay the table for breakfast too.

3. I am finding the offering my 3yr old choices works really well. as in "you can choose to eat breakfast in your pyjamas, but then you wont be able to wear them tonight as they will need washing. It is your choice." I find that works for me as I have to carefully think how I word the choice and say it in a calm manner and accept the results - but all that thinking give me time to cool off.

4. And finally I find racing works really well to get anything done. Lets see if you can get dressed before mummy. Or in you case while mummy gets younger child dressed.

Hope that helps. Well done on being big enough to admit you want to change your tack. Things are so much better in our house since I stopped shouting (well not completely obviously who am I Mary Poppins) and added a few new techniques to my parenting arsenal. I will tell you that shouting is much more effective when used sparingly (usually over safety issues like "STOP" and "DONT TOUCH THAT")

Good Luck and hope that helps

I'm a trainee teacher too, and WAS a natural shouter. I am trying hard not to for sake of DD and mustn't use shouting at school either. If I feel the urge to shout I deliberately drop my voice quieter and you'd be surprised the forcfulness of your voice when you control your frustration. I think DD responds better to a low voice than to shouting........
Also do the warning as Nappy Valley (If you continue to do that I'm going to start getting cross) I find that it halps me actually because it puts me back in control of how and when I do get cross.