SAHMs - how much does your DP do?

[CherryChoc]

Just wondering, for the SAHMs, how much your DP does, housework/childcare wise?

I am especially interested in those whose DPs have very demanding jobs, ie not just 9-5. My DP is a computer technician and currently working for 2 companies, one 9-5.30 and one after hours, weekends etc. He seems to work 6 days most weeks and comes home at about 7ish most days, though he can be home as late as 11 some nights.

In return for this (ie providing for the family) he expects me to do all the childcare, (though I thought we agreed childcare would be 50/50 when he is at home - he just says well you have done nothing all day) all the housework and the cooking. He only half cleans up after himself and expects me to finish that off too.

I know this is not acceptable (I feel he should be doing either half the childcare, half the housework or some of both, when he is home obviously!) but I'm finding it hard to establish what would be reasonable to expect from him. At the moment the bare minimum of housework is being done at all as it's the last thing I feel like doing when DS is asleep - I never get a break at any other time. I can do bits while he is awake but not concentrate on it as well IYSWIM.

Anyway just wanted an idea of what your DPs do

4mth old babies are a doddle - really you should be able to get the housework done while your DH is at work, have time to play with baby and have time for yourself.....unless of course you live in a mansion or have some kind of ocd thing.

I try to get housework done while DH works,I have 4 kids, 2 at school and 2 at home and can still manage to keep a clean house. I do all the laundry, shopping, cleaning, childcare, cooking.

DH comes home and eats his meal that I have cooked and if he is home in time he'll help me bath and put kids to bed. Then we have say 30 mins tidying up from the day and then relax together. If DH is home earlier than usual he just helps cook or load dishwahser etc.

At weekends we just get on and do what needs doing but you wont find one of us relaxing and the other working.

I think you are best to get done what you can and then relax in the evening with your DH. Save housework for when he's at work and take a break when you feel like it. Seems a bit pointless to give him a job for the sake of it - he can just pitch in as and when hes home.

Grammaticus @ 17:34:42

"Beta Dad - why on earth don't you ever go out alone?"

Someone on another thread just suggested I am unreasonable and have no friends.

4 month old babies can be a doddle. My first one was. My second one was anything but though! He still had colic at 4 months and screamed solidly for several hours every evening. The housework went out the window and DH had to either comfort the baby or cook dinner every evening as otherwise we wouldnt have eaten!
OP is clearly struggling and obviously not finding her DS a doddle either or she wouldnt be struggling!

OP - can you try saying something to your DH like 'Would you mind starting the dinner while I feed DS please?' or 'Could you cuddle DS while I start dinner/clean up the mess in the kitchen?' etc
He'll find it a lot harder to say no to something like that than he does to you saying 'Can you do more housework/childcare' iyswim
Once he gets in the swing of chipping in a bit more then hopefully it will stick.
Plus by the time he gets in the swing of helping you out more, hopefully your Ds will be a bit easier for you to manage and you will have more energy and confidence to get on and get more done yourself too.

I have to say now that DS2 is a bit older (11 months) I do most of it again myself.
I do all housework and all the childcare during the week. At weekends when DH is home during the day he'll be quite hands on with the children but still doesnt do any housework.
If ever I am ill or struggling for any reason though, he will chip in and help out more again.
I think that currently OP you sound as though you are struggling and your DH needs to help out more.
Would he be a bit more helpful if you explained it in terms of that you are happy to do all housework and childcare on days he is working and all he really should be doing is spending plenty of time with you and DS on his days off BUT if you are ill or struggling (and now with a very young DS you are struggling) then he needs to do more until you are back on form.
If e doesnt, then it will take you longer to feel better and happier tbh.

CC - I think you are being totally unreasonable!

You have a 4month old! Yes it is tiring but so is being out at work all day!

You need to get more organised tbh. You are at home all day with a baby but you could do some cleaning and at least have dinner ready.

When DH is home you can say you are going for a bath, Mumsnetting or whatever but to expect him to do 2 jobs etc while you are at home is just not on!

imo

If you think it hard work having a 4mth old baby and doing the housework. Then perhaps you need to rethink whether you go back to work ft/pt and pay for a cleaner and put your dc into childcare.

My DH leaves the house at 8am and gets home when he gets home anywhere from 6.30pm to 8pm. Then he is on call the rest of the time.

I don't expect him to do anything around the house. Even though i am nearly 36wks pg with dc3. I have a dd1 aged 5 and dd2 who is 17mths both of have been walking since 9mths and have not stopped since.

Although i don't expect him to do anything he will do anything i ask him to do.

As others have said you need to get yourself in a better routine. I do all the housework durindg the day (monday to friday). I don't any housework in the evening once we had dinner and i've cleared up, I also don't do housework of a weekend. Only the basic cooking and clearing up.

Thid way i still get time to myself to recharge my batteries.

CherryChoc - is this your first baby? I only ask because although you're possibly expecting too much from your dp in terms of housework etc if you're a full time SAHM, I do think you're getting a bit of a hard time from everyone on here about how "easy" a 4 mth old is. I have 2 kids - aged 18mths and 4 yrs - and yes, looking back I see now that when they're 4 mths old it IS easier than when they are older and mobile etc BUT I'm sure that when my first ds was 4 mths old I didn't see it as easy becuse if it's your first baby, it's going to be hard and you don't have the benefit of hindsight at that stage to know that in fact housework is easier to get done at that stage than when they're older! I'm not meaning to be rude to any of the posters on this thread and I do feel that the lion's share of the housework is part and parcel of the role of SAHM, HOWEVER, I do think we should lay off CC a bit if it's her first baby!! Those of us with kids older than that may well think back to how much easier it was to get things done when they're 4 mths old than when they're, say, 18mths old, but I know when I have my first ds things didn't seem that easy that early on esp with sleep deprivation, constant b/f etc.!

My DP is a company director leaving the house at 6.30am and comin home at 5pmish. I am a SAHM with one 6 year old at school and a 2 year old at home with me. I do all the cooking, shopping, laundry, cleaning and most of the cildcare. I have a dinner at least PLANNED every evening although after bathtime we often don't get to eat till 8pm or so.

I see it as my "role" in a functioning family, as he earns a very good salary and provides well for us.

The one both of contention with us is weekends, when he has his "free time" but for me my workload is doubled with more people at home to care for/cook for. I would like some more time to myself during the weekend....

However, if i make lists of things to be done round the house (DIY, lawn mowing, drive sweeping, car stuff etc) he will merrily do it without a fuss. Its just that he doesn't "see" that it needs doing so i have to make that list... It works for us! If i say that i need a break he will willingly give me one, but doesn't see that i need to without me pointing it out first, which is a bit tiresome, but i can deal with it.

My Dh is a coach driver usually on shifts.
We have 2 DD's, one aged 7 and one 4. Our 7 Yo has special needs. I am currently pg with DD3.
We have an agreement that on the days he is working, I expect only for him to do the heavy jobs that I can't do at my stage in pregnancy. On his days off, he pitches in and we share chores/caring for the children.
Having said that, I cook and do the laundry. I can;t trust him with either of those

no high powered job here - local, flexible, 9-5. dp washes up in evenings and tidies up but i do pretty much everything else cleaning/washing etc-wise. he does a lot in the way of "childcare" a.k.a. spending time with his kids.

he does whole morning routine (we tried with both of us doing it, didn't work at all) dressing, packed lunch, school drop off. in evenings usually does bathtime, puts toddler to bed (singing/rocking for 15 mins).

takes both girls off to dd1s dance class on saturday mornings, often takes them both downt he park/museum on sundays too (sometimes i come, sometimes i don't). once a week does bedtime for both kids when i go to evening class.

i think we're all pretty happy with it and i love that he's always been involved with all the daily minutiae of his girls lives, they have a fantastic bond.

btw i also do all shopping/cooking.

So for me
My job is in childcare, I look after 2 children from 7.30am - 7pm thankfully I work from home and they are my children.

DH helps in the morning - in so much as he is around when the children are having breakfast so I can be putting the washer on / doing the dishwasher / cleaning the bathrooms.
He is a star and takes DS1 to school on his way to work. He usually gets home between 6.30-7 whilst the boys are in the bath.

However the childrens 3 meals a day are up to me. I do the grocery shopping, I clean the house, I do the washing and ironing.

We share the cooking of evening meals for us it is about 50/50

I am aware that his work means that I can stay at home looking after the boys. Make cakes, run toddler groups, organise our social life etc.

At the weekends we alternate who is having a lie in. the other one gets up with the boys. the one thing I don't do at the weekends is nappies. I change enough of them during the week.

With you on that one, BTPofGreyskull, I also shy away from too many nappy changes at the weekends!

I have children 8, 6, 3 and am a SAHM. Husband is out of the house 8.30 till 6, 5 days a week.

During the week I do everything (including taking his dirty clothes to the laundry basket.) except bedtime which he does 3 times a week. At the weekend DH cooks 1 meal ~(normally breakfast of 1 cereal). I still do everything else.

I have fought hard to be a SAHM and DH thinks that I should be so grateful I should accept 30mins 'free time' a day. He gets most of the weekend (he's 'tired' you see), 2 other evenings completely free and from 8 until whenever he goes to bed.

oh and one a month he goes away for a lads weekend.

Resentful? Not at all! (NOT)

bump

My DH does slightly less than 9-5 (has a couple of afternoons off a week) but demanding job. I do everything at home (also work 5-6 hours a week running my own small business), looking after 2 dc, housework, cooking, cleaning, laundry, bins, erm, everything. He doesn't even really pick up after him and it's a huge bone of contention at the moment. Unfortunatley if I mention it he accuses me of nagging, tells me to go and get a proper job, or tells me I don't do anything all day anyway.
Hmm, that doesn't actually sound very good at all does it ....

Forgot to add, he has never changed a nappy or done bath time, ever. Will read them a story every now and then.

Your Dh does do a lot of hours, I don't think if it were me I would expect him to do 50/50 on childcare and household chores TBH. But having said that there should be a point withing the week that you know you will have time for you and just you. Your Dh should take your DC out or stay in whatever he wants but do the child care in that time.

My DH works 8-6, but does a very demanding job, however he does do 50/50 childcare when he is at home and I have Saturdays for a lie in. I also have the opportunity to go out whenever I get chance (evenings and weekends) as DH loves spending one on one time with DD.

If I don't have chance in the day to do household chores and any cooking then DH will do the cleaning, tidying etc while I am cooking tea.

DH gets Sundays to lie in, this way we both have at least one lie in a week.

YANBU I think that what you area asking for is support. Just beacause people are SAHM/SAHD doesn't mean that they are responsible for everything that happens in the house. Yes you will do the majority of cleaning and looking after the children because you are at home the majority of the time but a Dad who comes home after a day at work should WANT to spend time with his DC! I don't understand how people think it is acceptable thay a DH doesn't feel the need to pick up his own DC when he/she is crying and needs to be asked to do that. it is 2009 people!! I thougt perhaps I had stepped back to 1909 reading some of the posts. OOOh DH is soo tired after a day at work couldn't possibly pick up his own crying baby. As for the 4 month olds are soo easy, get on with posts.. so supportive to the op.

we have a toddler and 3 month old and dh helps out as much as he can when he is at home, we too have no help nearby. i know what you mean about the little things, like putting his plate in the dishwasher, half finished jobs etc but i've come to accept that no one can be perfect and to TRY not to nit pick/micro manage him as it only ever causes bickering especially when we're both tired. but he does make an effort and i know he's tired when he comes home, i mean he does the rubbish, empties dishwasher, clears the kitchen and more recently he suggested he does the cooking saturday nights and of course changes nappies, plays with dc1 (alot), baths him, takes baby from me when he can...

i do all the nights (bf) and often send dh to the spare room so you he can get uninterrupted sleep as i know he works hard.
weekends, he takes baby from me after the 6/7am feed and i get to sleep in a few more hours which helps me recharge!

i do find that having had the experience of dc1 that it is easier with dc2 and at 3 months we are enjoying this baby stage and not sweating the small stuff! as this baby stage goes so fast, make the most of it

after dc1 we never wanted another as we both found the transition from being carefree married couple to exhausted whatthehellhavewedone married couple a challenge, but now we have 2 we want more!! it does get better honey! hang in there!

do you have a gym nearby that has a creche where you can go and take a break even if it's only sitting in the gym cafe for an hour reading or a cat nap?

I agree with others who have said you are expecting too much of your husband in these circumstances. The deal is this - he works VERY hard to enable you to stay at home to look after your child and run the household (with all that entails). If you make an issue of this you run the risk of creating a problem between you and even making your husband resent the child. Did you discus your roles before the child was born or did you just assume what it would be like?

CAn you with all honesty say that there is no time at all for you to do a reasonable amount of housework during the day, or to do a bit of ironing, or to do a huge batch of casserole or something to put in the freezer for the days when you really haven't got the energy to cook?

I'm sorry this sounds harsh but as I said I think when you choose to be a SAHM (I'm 10 years in!)there is a trade off to be done.