How old do your children need to be before you drop them at the house of parents you do not know?

[BonsoirAnna]

Eg for a birthday party or play date?

This is a tricky one and I'll be watching with interest. DD is 4.7 and still wants me to stay with her when she goes to anyone's house. In all honesty I'd like her to feel confident enough to stay by herself but she is going through a clingy phase and hates the idea of being left. Some of her school year group are a bit older, 5+, and I understand that they are often left for playdates and parties but I don't know whether the parents know one another or not.

I think that as soon as dd feels happy to be left on her own then I will do so.

So you would leave it up to your child's judgement - if she feels OK, that's OK with you?

What do you mean by 'know'. ie do you mean had a chat in teh play ground several times or do you mean regularly meet up socially, been to each others houses etc? I have to say that with DS, by the age of 4 he didn't want me to stay with him. DD on teh other hand is less confident, and I can see myself having to stay for parties etc for longer than that. Are you worried about the suitability of the parents or what?

I left dd at birthday parties of people I barely knew (from kindergarten) from the age of 4 I think.

If you are uncomfortable with it, perhaps ask if you can stay and help out (ie keep a beady eye on things).

Is there soemthing about the family that has you worried?

5

At least one chat in the playground.

I'm not worried about the suitability of the parents, I am worried about my child's wellbeing.

This isn't about any parents in particular, just about how people feel.

DD (4.2) was invited to a birthday party last weekend where all the English-speaking parents stayed and all the French-speaking parents dropped and ran .

you have to go by your gut feelings really Anna. If you are not ready to do this, then don't.

When dd was 6 , I invited a girl from her class to our home and the mother said, "where dd goes, I go" (! eek bit drastic manner) but she basically said, I always accompany dd the first tíme, so I invited them both.

Was a bit of a drag because we had no common language really the mother and I, so bit wearying for me tbh. I did see her point though and I would generally be happy to go along with that, could perhaps have been phrased nicer but that was down to language skills.

ar you worried your child will miss you and cry? or be afraid to ask for the toilet? these are the things i worry about

just have a chat with your child and the parents - say "dd might be shy about asking for the toilet or a drink"

and leave your phone no

At the moment there is no way on earth that DD would let me leave her at a house she didn't know - this is exacerbated by cultural differences that do make these things harder, I think.

In that case Anna, be led by your child. Have a chat and if she feels happy to stay on her own then fine. You can always stay for a bit, and if she appears settled, leave a bit later. Tell her that the mummy concerned has your phone number and can ring you if needed, if that will reassure her.

Yes I would. I'd tell her that I would be on hand to pick her up whenever she wanted, make sure she knew that her friend's parents had my number and that she could ask them to call me at any time.

I'm in a reasonably good position in that I already know the parents, or at least the mothers, of most of her friends - even if it's just to chat in the playground.

I'm working on her confidence at the moment and I'll be delighted when she feels she can stay by herself. I'm expecting dc2 in September and it would make my life so much easier if dd would happily play at friends' houses for a couple of hours now and again without me!

I suppose I was always a bit thankful for an hour or two "off" but I don't think it is really such a natural thing to do, leave your small dc with someone you don't know in a home you've never been in, come in to think of it.

My DCs are 7 and 10. I have left them with families I know well (i.e. been to their houses) since about age 5.

But even now, I do like to know a bit about a family before I let them go to a house without me. I am always slightly concerned if there will be older teenagers in a house, as they are often not very circumspect about the conversations they have, telly they watch, websites they access.

Can't remember but I think it was about 5. Very much a case of child-led weaning. I wouldn't force this on a child.

I left them when they were feeling ok with being left there. So around 5 for ds, and dd is now ok with being left at birthday parties (4.5). But really parents don't tend to leave as much, it's a chit chat galore here!

please don't feel like that about teenagers!
Mine are lovely and would never do or say anything untoward in front of a younger child.

i would get the mum and child over to yours, so that your child spend a bit of time with them and then

if child is happy to stay alone then leave them

i leave my 3yr charge at his nurserys friends house for a 2hr play

just as we have his friends over for a play and his mummy escaes to gym

all depends on the child

I would not let my daughter stay with anyone i didn't know very well.
What has happened at work this week makes me glad i think this way.I work in a nursery.
A child's parent has told us his 3 year old has been sexually abused by a family member, the child has said things to the same effect. we have informed the relevant people. The child is having a birthday party in the house and the parent wants a list of all the children to invite. I can't tell the parents not to send their kids to the party but i don't want to give a list of names out either. as a parent I would say always stay with your kid unless you absolutely trust the other parents.

Anna, I've just got back from having taken ds (6) to a party. We all stayed, not because children particularly wanted us, but because it's the children's first year at primary and we really wanted to get to know each other. It's been fun!

For playdates, I guess some time 4 - 5, but it depends on the child, and I would not automatically expect that a child would be OK with this really before about 7.

For parties, well, small home-based parties where ds knows at least a couple of the children well if not the party-giver themselves, would be fine at 4. For the sort of big soft-play/community centre bunfight that happens a lot round here (which I love by the way!) then I can't imagine a time when i would leave ds completely alone at them throughout. I think by the age I would be happy to do this, no-one will be doing them any more.

25? I would never drop dc at house of parents I don't know. I assume you would know them in some way for your dc to have been invited.

I agree, Franca - I like the parties where all the parents are welcome and we can chat and get to know one another better than at the school gate .

Maybe the problem really is that I don't want to be left out of the party?

Yes, I think that's your problem . And mine as well. I like a good chat (my desire to chat is actually starting to worry me )

MollieO - its quite common for my ds to be invited to a party (less so on a play date) of a boy whose parents I dont know (they may be work ft etc)- and for me to leave him at the house (which of course he is happy with).

We used to have a babysitting circle of 5 mums when ds was little as well - and take it in turns for 2 mums to look after all the children for 2 hours on a Monday afternoon. God it was fantastic.[looks wistful]