Leaving Baby Overnight for 1st time

[Lizzer]

HELP! I know I may sound faintly ridiculous given the age of my daughter but I am about to leave her with my parents overnight for the first time ever - the first time I have ever left her overnight full stop. She'll be nearly 18 months by then (next month)and she goes to bed fine with a drink, it will be in her own cot (as we live with my parents), she sleeps til 6 or 7am usually. BUT, I feel nervous already of the thought of her waking in the morning (or in the night as she does sometimes) and me not being there for her and bringing her into my bed for a cuddle and snooze. What if she screams blue murder for my Mum or gets really distressed, or hates me forever?!! I'm beginning to feel like maybe I shouldn't go as it's only a friend's leaving do, taking place 2 hours away, but then I think but I'd love to have a night out, then feel guilty, then feel....argh!!
Has anyone got any experiences or advice that will help me feel less worried as I think I'm just going to have such a miserable time worrying about her it won't be worth it!
Thanks in advance....

Lizzer, glad you had such a good time! You'll be signing up for Around the World in 80 Raves next.

Nice one Lizzer! Funny how it all comes back isn't it? I'm lucky, I still manage to get out every weekend, me and hubby take it in turns.

It's such a relief to get their 1st overnight stay out of the way isn't it?

Thanks folks, as you can probably all tell I'm a bit of a stresshead so am glad to have overcome one of my many battles with myself!! The funniest thing was when I actually got in the car with my 2 friends to go, they told me that if I'd still been freaking out at 4pm they would have left me behind - the cheek of it!

Very similar problem to Lizzer. Have planned first time away for hubbie and me since the birth (my son is now 13months and will be 17mths when we go). My parents have agreed to have him and he sees them about once a month but he's not very familiar with their house and its a strange cot etc etc. My son sleeps in his bed for the first 7 hours or so then in with us until morning. To make matters worse my parents are firm believers in leaving kids to cry and I just can't bear it so we've never done it. I'm terrified they'll leave him and he'll be panicky but I could really do with a bit of time away. We haven't even managed to go out for dinner just the 2 of us yet!! Any tips??

My observations of my own child with my mum who is also quite more strict...

1. My child loves her to bits
2. He obeys a whole lot faster when ever she asks something - they don't dare test them like they test us !
3. He wouldn't have a trantum at all with her so when he stayed with her at 19 months - for the first time ever... I was worried he would be difficult to put to bed... you're joking !!!! He was out in 10 seconds every night - he never cried ! and he stayed quietly in bed in the morning !!!

So don't assume he will be like he would be at your house, he is quite likely to be easier. And while she would let him cry longer than you would, she is not going to harm him, she is just slightly tougher in that department than you (or me with my own son.... normal we're their mums!)

I totally understand, my mother does things differently to me and I too was so worried about the effects on my ds. However, as pupuce says, you will find that your son as well as his grandparents will have their own entire way of doing things together. What he does with you, what he expects from you, what you expect from him will be entirely different expections your parents will have towards him, and him to them.

I too remember all these worries & assumptions about the 1st time my parents had my son overnight which turned out to be a traumatic time for me (not him he "slept like an angel").

I truly think the thing to remember is that your parents dote on him just as much as you and they truly will do everything in there power to make the evening good for him & themselves. Also remember why you are leaving him with them......to give yourselves a break & some much needed time alone together..if you fret & think about how it's going at their end all night it will defeat the object, you'll have a physical break but not a mental break from baby thoughts. (easier said than done, I know, I remember wanting to ring my parents every 15mins from the restaurant except my husband stopped me!). But the next day I picked him up and he was bright as a button, not even aware I'd been away (nothing prepares you for that either!)

Suppose I'm trying to say 'we've all been there and it truly isn't as bad as you imagine, grandparents love them too!'

Hi Job, I shudder and laugh at the same time reading what I wrote on this thread. It seems so long ago but also like yesterday, strange... I know exactly how you're feeling and have only left dd overnight once since the incident I'm refering to here. But I am set on going away for a weekend at the end of this month, but believe me it doesn't get any easier when it comes to actually saying goodbye BUT it does become easier to relax and enjoy yourself - which you WILL!! As far as getting him aquainted with the Grandparents house goes, could you possibly sleep there with him yourself on a couple of occasions before you leave him and get your Mum to get up with him in the morning and get his breakfast etc. while you try and hang back and keep out of the way? (It'll be tough to have a lie in, but I'm sure you manage it ) Also, could you go and visit as much as possible in the couple of weeks leading up to it?

Job, I am having a similar dilimar (sp, got a cold) it is DH's Christmas party in December and he would dearly love me to be there. It is in London so seems miles away and we could catch the last train home so ds (who will be 15 months) wouldnt be without us all night. But he has never been left before and he is at his most mummy boys stage in the evening and because I am still feeding him in the evening I am finding it very hard to make the decision to go. I know he will cry and want me to get to sleep and that will worry me and upset me that I wont be there for him. All in all it will only be a few hours to him and the party would be a lovely time but I just dont know if I can do it.

One more bit of advice... ask your mum to ring you when she has put him to bed to tell you how it went. It will put your mind at ease. You can obviously ring her but she will be proud to let you know how wonderfully he was and how well they got on !

I left my 16 month old for the first time this weekend with my Mum and Dad whilst my partner and I ran away to a hotel for a night. I too was so worried that my Mum wouldn't hear her cry in the middle of the night (not much chance of that!!) and that she is tougher than me and would let her cry it out, etc, etc. We also bring ours in to bed with us at some point in the night, 5am on a good day, 2am on a bad! I didn't know how Lottie would cope with waking up and not being taken in to our bed, would she sleep, etc. We were only going for one night too!!!
Well, she woke at about 2am, my Mum stroked her head, she went back to sleep. Woke again at 5am and my Mum went in my old bedroom with her and they slept in the bed together until about 6.30am and then they got up and started the day. So, they can cope without you!
My daughter ate far better for my Mum than she does with me too! When we came back she didn't cry out with delight or hug me as if I should never leave her again. A quick smile and back to playing with my Mum and Dad's dog.
So, don't worry, they will survive and probably enjoy themselves a whole heap too!

Do you know I dream of leaving ds overnight somewhere so I can sleep full and deep and not have to worry that he may wake up. We have no babysitters down here (no family around), we have been out twice in two years as a couple and I have had seven hours off in two years (when I left him at nursery to see how he would cope when I went back to work part-time). My friend leaves her son with either grandparents for at least four out of seven days every week and still she insists she can't cope. One day she was leaving him at her parents for four days and said she was taking him home for a nap (he sleeps for 3 hours at naptime) so she could have some time on her own!! She says she's depressed and has to do this otherwise she can't cope. Her son is now 2. I know I sound unsympathetic but to leave ds for a few hours one night to go out would be nice. dh is in the Navy and has been away practically since April 2000 so a normal life has been impossible maybe now he's shore based for a while I'll be able to go out (albeit on my own with friends). I think what I'm saying is try not to worry too much about going out/away children are very adaptable and while you're worrying yourself silly they're having a great time.

When my son was a baby and we wanted to go out for the evening, I tried to ensure he was in bed before the babysitter arrived. I could still do my bedtime routine and he was non the wiser. If my son woke up before I returned, he was inevitably happy to accept a cuddle or milk etc from the babysitter, especailly since he was half asleep anyway. Not leaving home till at least 7.30 pm meant we had to adjust social plans sometimes, but if people know in advance you will late, it's easier to plan around this.

If you are in a situation where your baby is staying at your parents house for the night, could you be there to put your baby to bed, before you got out?

PS, Selja, If you are without babysitters, have you thought of contacting your local college? If they run any childcare courses, you may well find a good reliable student babysitter, with references. We did this about six months ago and now can call on two very experienced and kind local sitters.

Selja, are you in Portsmouth??

It is very stressful leaving your child for the first time at night with someone else. However, it is well worth it.
I honestly don't think any loving grandparent would leave a very distressed child to cry endlessly. I know that our parents often say that they left us to cry it out more, but to be honest most of my friends with more than one child say that they get a bit tougher about responding to every whimper as they get more children. I also think that most grandparents enjoy having their grandchildren to stay and would be keen to make sure it worked.
For those of you lacking baby sitters or nearby family, how about setting up a baby sitting circle with a few friends. Even if you can only find one friend, if you each offered to do one night a month, then that would be better than nothing.

Joe1 yes I'm in Southsea. Tigermoth thanks for the tip about the college, I'm going to ring them now.

Im in Portsmouth area and Mel is in Gosport. I am supposed to meet with Mel at some time so you will have to join us. Did you call Southdowns College??

OK I'm a cruel mother, but I left my baby for 10 days aged 10 months! My dh and I wanted to go ski-ing, and we decided that the journey and creche would be harder than staying with my mum. Poppy had never stayed there before, but had done an odd night with my in-laws, but I can assure you she was so happy, didn't miss us a bit, and by the third day I stopped worrying. This year however we are trying to decide what to do. We have 2 babies (one 2.5 and one 8 months) do we take them, or leave them?? I am more worried about leaving my mum to cope with the 2 of them than actually leaving them. I know I sound heartless, but Poppy was born at 27 weeks and was in hospital for 14 weeks, I guess we just got used to others careing for her, so leaving her was less of a wrench. Also she was used to various childminders/nursery combinations and is still an easy child for others to care for. For me she can be a real ***, but that's another story. My advice to anyone is to go out, have a good time if poss, call home, leave your mobile number etc etc, but in the end you will find that it is worth it. For me leaving Poppy with my MIL finally stopped her feeding in the middle of the night. She still woke every night at 2am, so used to have a bottle, it was one night with MIL which broke the habit (no she didn't leave her to cry) Poppy woke at 10pm, saw I wasn't around and slept through!

It would be great to meet you Joe1 as its a little isolated down here with no family. I tried Highbury College but haven't managed to speak with anything other than voicemail at the minute so I'll have to wait until Monday again.

Ok Selja, Ill try Mel on a different thread and get a date organised. I know someone who is doing a childcare course at Southdowns College so they are worth a go as well as Highbury.

Joe1 and Selja - back on-line after a too long interlude!! Found you both on this thread and Where in the world are you. Weekend before the weekend before Christmas any good? I think it's around the 16th.

Hi Mel, it would have to be early on 15th December as we have to go to Gatwick later on (we fly to Spain the next day). dh is still undecided whether to go and watch his beloved Sunderland at Southampton on that day so I'm not sure what time we're off. It would be fine to meet in the morning and then have lunch though.

Well Im leaving ds tomorrow for the first time, not overnight just the evening (first time in 18mths). Im nervous and would rather be taking him with us but not really practical where we are going. Im leaving him with my parents and I know Im going to have a good cry as soon as I get in the car. Im hoping I will be able to relax and enjoy myself. I will have the mobile and we will be, at the most, only 45 mins away but it will be bedtime and its normally me he goes to when its bedtime. Im hoping he will be ok and it wont be too bad for him, will about 6 hours feel long to him?

Joe1-you'll be amazed, I expect, at how unphased your ds will be by your absense. I've recently left my ds for the first time to go away on a weeks holiday. Not only was he staying with my M+D in their house, so reasonably unfamiliar surroundings, but he'd only ever been put to bed by me. He coped brilliantly. Settled every night without trauma, slept well, ate well, played well. Mum said he was an angel. I, on the other hand, blubbed all the way home in the car after I'd left him (160mile trip on my own, not recommended!) and spent a certain percentage of each day wondering what he was getting up to.

Hope you have a lovely time, where-ever you are going, and don't worry, I'm sure ds will be fine.

I agree with Honeybunny - this is FAR more traumatic for a parent than for the child.
The first time I left DS was when he was 20 months old... I was crying in the car as well... My mum called and said that he was already in bed and had been ZERO trouble !!!

ds was 15months at the time, and seems none the worse for our separation. I loved the time alone with dh, but was all too ready to come home again. Now that I'm back, feel in need of another break!!! But I think that's a 35week pregnancy thing.