3 Children - All Close???

[scrummymum]

Me and DH are currently deciding whether we want another baby. We have both always said we wanted 2 as it is the norm in both our families but now that DD is nearly 5 and DS has just turned one, I have realised that I am really loving the idea of a third. We wouldn't have 4.

My MIL doesn't know we are are thinking of 3 but often gets into conversations with me about others she knows who have 3 and I know from this, that she doesn't approve of 3. She says that one always gets left out when they are playing and when they grow up they usually all aren't that close. This worries me more than the logistics of having 3 or the money etc.

Anyone BTDT with 3 or been one of 3??

I'm the youngest of 3; my brother and sister are 7 and 6 years older than me. I was left alone a lot, and they often wouldn't play the games I wanted to play (they never played board games with me for example), but I think that was more the age gap rather than their closeness - they claimed I was too young to play at their level. On the other hand, I did things a lot earlier, wanting to be "as good as them" - and even knew the entire Periodic Table by age 5 (my brother had to learn it at 12), because I learnt a lot of stuff when they did.

I also felt like an only child once they both went to Uni (why I don't want to have just one if I can help it), again probably the age gap.

I'm relatively close to both my siblings now, despite them living in different countries, but they are not close to each other (partly due to family history.) That tells me that closeness as children does not necessarily correspond to closeness as adults.

If you have your third soon, it will be pretty close to your DS, so it could be that your DD would be the one left out of some games, so you would need to consider that combination; will "big sister" be bossy, caring or put out.

I think during childhood partly it's what you as parents make of it, and adult closeness is not guaranteed no matter what combination of children you have. Anyway, it's not up to your MIL and if she's not had 3, then she doesn't have the experience to comment, has she ?

I try not to listen to what other people say but I am very close to my parents and see them almost everyday (their house is next door to DD's school) and we live down the same street as my in-laws. I have known my il's since I was 14 when DH and I got together so she is like a second mum to me. She is lovely sometimes and we get on well but she has some strange ideas about some things and wants everyone to agree with her.

For her, 2 was enough which was her right and I just want her to let us do what we think is right without judging us. Unfortunately, that isn't going to happen so if we do decide to, I aren't quite sure how that is going to affect our relationship with them.

I would want 2.5 or 3.5 gap between the next two and am aware that the youngest 2 will be closest. That said, my il's now have my SIL living back with them (split from partner) and she has a DD who is exactly 1 year younger than my DD and they are really close and see each other all of the time. They sometimes see DS coming and shut the door on him. It doesn't matter now as he is only a baby but I worry that he will get left out as he gets bigger. If I have another, he will have someone to play with. Then I think, if one gets left out now when those 3 are together, one will probably get left out at home too.

I really do want another but I don't want to spoil my DD or DS's childhood for it.

I am one of three and have 4 dd's myself. I found it was always 2 against 1 as we were growing up. Now we are all adults my brother is estranged yet im close to my sister.

I have 3 dds in 4 years, and in our family the dynamic has been better since we had 3. With two close in age but very different personalities, things were quite intense. Dd3 gets on well with both her big sisters and they all play together fine, but in different pairs, or all together. There isn't one who's left out. they are 8, 7 and 4 now. Really, for us it works very well.

I'm one of 3, so is DP. In my family there was one who was left out (my brother, who is seriously weird anyway and always struggled socially, so I'm not sure it was that he was one of 3 that made our relationship problematic). In Dp's family noone was left out.

If you had another one quite soon (as soon as you can, really) that 3rd child would a close playmate for your DS, which I imagine your DS is not so much a playmate for the nearly 5yo DD (who at school will generally be more into her own-age social circles).

I'm not so sure about a 3.5yr gap, though, I have 3.5yrs from my 3rd to the 4th and the 4th is obviously not much of a playmate for No.3 (yet, but he's only 1, so who knows).

As a mother of 4, I do think there's something in the belief that with 3 there's usually one left out, this leads to no end of fighting.