Walkover or super sister?

[jessia]

My DD1 (5) is one of those kids who has to have at least the same as and preferably bigger than/more than her little sister (3.5) and on the whole at home I try to make them even of course. But there are always going to be some situations where they are treated differently, e.g. birthdays, preschool (they are in different groups) etc. and at such times DD1 goes ape and straight away starts hassling DD2 with "It'll be ours to share, right?", "If you don't let me have it I won't play with you", etc.

Yesterday the little one won the prize in her group for the best behaviour over the month - just 4 little fridge magnets, but straight away DD1 is molesting her: "Can you give me two and you have two?" "well, if you won't give me them I won't play with you" "I don't like you" and on and on until in the end DD2 said:"Oh, alright, you have them all" and just gave them to her. And she does it with a smile on her face, not begrudging her them at all.
This happens quite frequently, and I don't know how to deal with it. Of course I made DD1 say thank you and give DD2 a kiss but I kind of get the feeling that I'm allowing the wrong behaviour to be reinforced. What do you wise lot think??

In your situation I would not be allowing dd1 to do this to dd2.

So how to change it? I know it's manipulation but I have no ideas on how to help her. She is a child who always needs to be the same as everybody else, or she thinks she's going to be left out, forgotten, worse off, whatver. And she uses manipulation to ensure that she is always in the thick of it.

She is not bullied at preschool, has good friends there, I am always conscious at home not to favourise one or the other. If one gets a cuddle, so does the other, if one has a story, so does the other. DD2 is much more confident in herself and while she does have the occasional strop it's usually shortlived. But DD1 uses this kind of bargaining language ("If you won't do X, then I won't do Y") all the time, both to us and to DD2. I realised that she was copying me ("If you don't do your teeth now then there won't be time for a story before bed") so I consciously try to phrase things differently ("Hurry up and do your teeth and then we will have time for a story before bed."). And I don't give in to her demands, but she knows that DD2 will.

PLease give me some more constructive feedback!

Ok, well this is what I'd do for mine. Hope it helps.

Firstly I'd stop dd1 hassling dd2 over things that dd2 gets. I'd be quite firm about this (I was a younger child and I know how that felt!). This is as much for dd1's benefit as dd2's because if dd1 acts like this at school, it won't get her very far with the other kids.

Let both girls know that dd2 has a right to own stuff/do stuff that dd1 doesn't (and the other way round, obviously). Important for dd2's self-esteem, I'd say.

Finally, I'd set some time aside just for dd1 to really concentrate on her - read a story together, bake some biscuits, have a lovely cuddle, whatever. I think it's important for the older child to see that, although she's older, sometimes she has time just with mummy.

Oh and praise dd1 lots when you see her behaving the way you want her to. Praise is a great motivator.

Yes, I think you're right that I should step in earlier to stop her hassling DD2.
I tended to take the line that as long as they're not pushing/shoving/being rude to each other etc I wanted them to learn to sort their own differences out, but I guess that could leave DD2 feeling backed into a corner and DD1 getting over-bossy.
I suspect that while she's not bullied at preschool and has good friends, she constantly feels she has to throw her weight about to keep people's attention. At home little sis is a bit of a pushover so she feels she can lord it easier... And any little thing that threatens to make DD2 look as if she's in a better situation, even momentarily, is scary.
As for time alone, that is soo tricky. When DD2 goes to a friend's I take DD1 out for a hot choc and cake but then she's desperate to get back to DD2 (they really are very close despite their rivalry and share most of their friends too). At home when the 3 of us are together it's impossible because they always want to be together and it would mean shutting DD2 out (though she does sometimes wander off bored after a while when I'm reading a story to DD1). DH usually doesn't get home until bathtime/teatime, which is the start of the bedtime routine. What I'm considering doing is perhaps once a week picking DD1 up an hour or so early from preschool, taking her off somewhere, and then going back for DD2 later.
Thanks for your input Uriel.
Anyone else?

x-posts! Oh yes I am careful always to praise - and it's lovely to see her giggle with happiness and puff her little chest out!

I don't understand why your going to pack dd1 up earlier than dd2,
I think your giving into dd1 abit too much def step in before the hassling starts, it is lovely to teach your children to share but there are times when you should let your children enjoy their new things without having to share
DD2 won the magnets for good behaviour so really you should have told dd1 that maybe she would win a prize next month, not make her say thank you for getting her own way.

*pick dd1 up

Read your posts again, with my dd is 7 and ds 5 she loves to know better, told you so and things like that, so sometimes I get them to bake together
dd in charge of weighing one thing
ds in charge of another

Its important for dd to see that they are all equals, my dd is very good at seeing what she didn't get than what she does get

I wonder if trying to make them equal is going too far? They are not equal in many ways, particularly because of age, and need to be treated as individuals first... Am working this through in my head btw, not really got advice. My mum tried to make absolutely everything equal for me and my older dsis, and we actually found it quite restrictive. We somehow didn't feel entirely individuals as we were always the same IYSWIM?

I agree, I think your dd2 won the prize fair ans square. Bless her for giving it up BTW. But as she gets older, she may resent it and dd1 may expect it. The sharing cooking is a good idea, and it will give dd1 the chance to help dd2, and 'give something back'.

Um, I'm going to go and have a htink about this. I don't think there is an obvious answer.

I don't mean trying to make them equal, but I mean that they understand they are equals in your eyes, and by letting dd1 get her own way all the time she will think she has the right to walk all over her sister

dd2 is too young to realise just yet but won't be long, I have 3 dcs and its hard, as kids are the best at making you feel guilty for nothing

Yes she is a bit of a control freak - in all areas of life, has been from birth (age 5 weeks refused to eat for 24 hrs when I tried to offer her a bottle of EBM instead of breast!!). I'm sure it is partly due to a lack of self-confidence.
DD2 is very sunny on the whole and knows that she doesn't need the prize physically (she wins every month, and it's not sth to die for - a couple of bits of cardboard fridge magnets) because everyone adores her anyway.
DD1 is more introverted, doesn't like to be singled out (she still gets the tremors if she has to say "hello" to someone she doesn't know), people never notice her when they're together, I have to praise her up. And I am proud of her and she knows it. Even more proud in a way because a lot of things come easy to DD2 but DD1 has it uphill a lot of the time.
OTW they stick together and look out for each other, even share clothes (I should be pleased that DD2 is so proud to be able to wear DD1's cast-offs ), practically all their toys are shared. It's just this mega-jealousy thing.