How can I help dd who misses dh a lot?

[catMandu]

DH has always worked long hours and often away from home last year it was so bad he was hardly seeing the dc's Mon - Fri. In the last few months he has been trying very hard to be home more, but he has to be an another office at the other end of the country once a week. It's now a matter of routine that he leaves every Tues morning and gets back Weds night sometimes in time to see the dc's, but not always.

Anyway, dd1 (9) has recently begun to get very very upset about him being away. It's a bit odd because he's actually here more than before - perhaps that's why, who knows. I could really do with some tips on how to help her, as she is really very upset when he's away. He nearly always calls to speak to the dc's and she's absolutely clear that he loves her and would rather be at home. It's heartbreaking for all of us .

anyone?

Hi catMandu,

My sympathies. My dh has been working abroad since July and ds2 (7) has taken it really badly and is missing dh more than I ever imagined he would.

We found that talking/skyping was making things worse, as it reminded ds2 of what he was missing, so now dh and I talk during the day when ds2 is at school, or after he's asleep. Maybe having your dh around more is having a similar effect on your dd?

Ds2's teacher helped him make a book for dh. Ds2 wrote in it every day after lunch when the class did silent reading. Chapter 1 started "Dear Daddy I miss you so much I feel sick", and carries on in a similar vein .

Ds2's behaviour has improved over the last week or two (I have posted hre before about problems I was having with him e.g. at bedtime) so I hope we are turning a corner. We are moving to the same country as dh next month, but not the same city, and dh will weekly commute so I'm hoping that having a weekly dose of dh will be good for ds2, even though he won't have him all the time.

Oh tangarine, it's hard isn't it - I found a note dd has written to dh by the side of our bed today it just says 'why do you have to go'? I know what you mean about the phone calls/skype etc making it worse, dd was in tears after speaking to dh tonight and he was still on the phone to dd2, so I asked if she wanted another chat and she said no it was too hard saying goodbye.

Fortunately dd1's general behaviour is great, but she's a sensitive type and I just wish I could help somehow.

Hopefully your dc's will perk up when they get to be with their Dad more next month.

Just realised I didn't really answer your q in the thread title.

Things we have done:

Emailed dh/written him letters on the computer (ds likes to do large fonts/change colours, add clip art etc)

Taken photos and sent them to dh

ds2 slept with a photo of dh under his pillow for a while

he now sleeps with a teddy dh gave him (it's from the football team they both support, so not babyish in ds2's eyes)

can dh spend a bit of extra time with dd at the weekends?

as I said, we have given up phoning unless ds2 decides he wants to ring dh

Because ds2's sadness was affecting his behaviour (he was sad and lonely so couldn't/wouldn't sleep, so was getting overtired and grumpy, and even sadder in a vicious circle) I've introduced rewards/penalties - usually extra/less computer time - for going to bed at a reasonable hour without a paddy/meltdown. This has recently started to work.

x-posts! It is really hard, I feel awful that we have put ds2 through a really hard few months. If I'd known how hard it would be for ds2 I might have done it differently, but we are where we are. Like your dd, ds2 is very sensitive. Because of our work situation we have lots of friends whose dh's are away for long periods, and ds2's reaction does seem to be extreme compared to the others.

We should be pleased though that we are raising such sensitive and empathetic children .