How to talk so kids will listen..............

[Yingers74]

Has anyone read this book by Faber and Mazlish? I have and feel it has a lot of good points, I am currently trying to parent using their ideas but it is tough as old habits die hard. Would be interested to know whether anyone else has tried, and what your thoughts/experiences have been!

I found it helpful, though the tips are easy to forget in the heat of the moment. We used the idea of a family meeting to solve one problem (bits of paper all over the sitting room) and got them to come up with ideas. It really worked and has been working for the last two years.

MRSMerryHenry if you follow the first 4 of Yingers74's tips with an adult it works well.

If I sit down with Mum or DH and properly listen to them - rather than interjecting with my point of view
DH responds to clear requests rather than hints or suggestions - he has said he prefers it
Accepting DH's feelings about a certain thing. Accepting is not the same as agreeing with them or having the same point of view.
Talking clearly through the choices we have as a family in a situation where we are disagreeing
I don't tend to do the one word thing with adults - or the children to be honest - feels too sharp.

Thanks Greyskull/She-ra/He-Man

Though I can just imagine my kids parrotting in sing-song fashion: "empty packets belong in bins!" so may give that one a miss!

I've been making up more of my own 'creative' ways of communicating, which are working well this week, e.g. after a tantrum tonight I spoke to DS in a jolly storytelling voice: 'okay, you want me to take off your grobag? That's fine, I'll take it off but it means you'll be freezing cold while you're sleeping. Now, you don't want to be freeeeeeeezing cold, do you?' So grobag stayed on and no conflict - yippee!

I'm definitely getting this book.

It is a bit cheesy and American - but very good. I use the problem solving thing with DP!

Cherry Choc - please tell what the prob solving thing is! Might help with my DH too!

Anyone read How to talk so kids can learn at home and at school ? Is it worth buying?

I have that one too but have not gone through it properly, lots of the basic ideas are the same as the listen book but applied to school/learning issues e.g instead of saying things like why haven't you started your homework yet, you are not going to have tea at this rate etc etc, you would instead say hmm it is hard to start homework, do you need to think about it some more or do you want to talk it over with me?

How does the How to talk book recommend dealing with bickering in Power Ranger voices,a particular dc not doing as he's told and rudeness when it crops up?

It's a great book and we're currently reading it. Want to tackle the above in the correct way that fits in with the ethos of the book. Empathy etc just ain't cutting it at the mo.

Any suggestions?

I like it as a reminder every now and then. It has definately helped me, I liked the bit about not putting children in "roles". My DD has definately benefitted from my reading it as it has stopped me from treating her as an anxious child.

Not sure there is a chapter in any way related to power rangers, let me know if you find it, particularly how to stop your 4 yr old DS doing power rangers moves on the poor cat!!!!

Get onto their eye level
Look them in the eye
Keep tone low and level
Repeat where necessary
Ask - 'do you undertstand?'

The dc in question would then say in a rude tone at the moment "ok,ok,yes " then a sigh. I'm guessing I should say that I find that rude and don't like it when people are rude?????

Off swimming will be back later.

I've never read this book - never heard of it to be honest - but the posters make a lot of sense, on the whole.

I always found the following to be most helpful in avoiding stressful, potential tantrummy (if that's not a word it should be ) situations:

Get down onto their eye level (not any more as DS is 5'7" !!)
Speak clearly, slowly and calmly (not easy as I'm one of the most firey bitches I know lol)
Say what you mean and, more importantly, mean what you say.
Allow DS to have an opinion - much more important now he's hit teenagedom It's ok if he's upset about something, including me

I agree that the 'giving them their wishes in fantasy' bit is really effective even for young children. We invented a 'daddy radar' so the DC can say goodnight to daddy when he wasn't home- prevented no end of meltdowns!!
Also the 'stating expectations' bit is good too- eg 'I expect two boys not to run around Sainsburys and to listen to mummy' it works with mine.
The sibling rivalry book is good for Power Ranger type conflicts!! It basically says that they should sort it out themsevles!!! Can't remeber the exact details but worth getting from the library!

Giving them their wishes in fantasy bit is great! Today it helped me walk to school pickup with tired 4 year old who wanted to be carried. Me:" ooh i would like to be carried too, would you like to be carried on an elephant, would you hold on to his ears, blah blah blah .. " for half a mile or so. I

The other day when dd1 really pushed me to the edge and I could not bring myself to use some of the other methods, I managed to find a note pad and say ok, lets write down what you need to do and what I need to do in the mornings. I was surprised it worked, she thought about it and told me to write down 'get dressed nicely' and for me I wrote,'won't get grumpy'! When she plays up in the morning I say 'remember the note' which three weeks on still seems to have a beneficial effect!

Fuitcorner - I use this in the mornings when DD doesn't want to get up. I say, "I would like to stay in bed all day, wouldn't it be great if you could spend one whole day a week just lazing around watching DVDs?"

She grins and hops out of bed straight away!!!