How to talk so kids will listen..............

[Yingers74]

Has anyone read this book by Faber and Mazlish? I have and feel it has a lot of good points, I am currently trying to parent using their ideas but it is tough as old habits die hard. Would be interested to know whether anyone else has tried, and what your thoughts/experiences have been!

Bumping for you.

I read it a few years ago. My dd was then a bit young for the strategies. But now she is 5, I find myself using them, with mixed results (they are not magic bullets). I would say I try to use it as a first line of defence, before descending into fish wife.

It is a good book. I think my mnetters recommend it.

It is a very good book although somewhat impenetrable to read. Its worth making notes of the main points. When you can be bothered to do it its great.

I read it and started doing it. DH said to me "You know those insipid parents you hate? You sound like one now" That said it does have some great techniques in it that I can see working.

i like it - it is weighty and you have to read a lot to get to some of the salient points but it is blardly marvellous IMO

I have to confess to basing most of my best parenting skills on it...

when threats/bribery and begging fail yet again

I think back on it and try stuff out.

I personally think it is very good - but would second Karl and also re-read bits

I have only read the first chapter so far - the first chapter has changed my relationship with DS1.
He gets very very angry, I have enjoyed the strategy of not denying their right to their feelings.
So DS - throws stuff is VERY cross
ME - how cross are you
HIM - Very, about one hundred
ME - OOh I thought you would be about 101
HIM - I am 100 & 100
Before about 30 seconds is over he is giggling and the storm has passed.

I am looking forward to him being a bit older and us being able to do some of the other techniques.

Funnily enough I found this on the shelf earlier today and had a leaf through and remembered that it is quite good. Some strategies work brilliantly on dd. I get lazy and forget and become shrill and shrieky then have to remind myself what to do again. For me, one of the best things about it is that I have to stop and think how to approach something before I speak and even that pause for breath stops me moaning/nagging.

Could do with some strategies. What would you say are the top 5 tips in this book?

ohhh top five tips (my DS are 3 and 20 months)

1. get down to eye level and tell the you want to speak to them. Then wait for them to stop squinnying (they do, it's amazing)

1. Giving warnings at about 15/10 then 5 minute (about any change..dinner soon/telly off/going out)

1. Let siblings sort out their own dispute (but give them the tools to do it)

1. arguing is fine. Hurting or name calling is not.

1. ignore the bad, praise the good.

ps may not all be from that book!

Noonki - what is squinnying (lovely word, by the way)?

I like the sound of this book - noonki, great tips there (am polishing my good mummy badge as I already apply no 2 - thought it up all by myself )

I think it's great and really helped me in dealing with the dss, particularly the part about empathising and giving a voice and a name to their feelings. I think it works well with adults too in some ways.

Herb- I had to look it up! DH uses it all the time and I thought it was a Northern thang but apparently originates from Portsmouth (where DH lived for the first six months of his life though has been up here ever since)

anyway it means moaning and whinging. (ie being 3!)

i think this book is excellent. I have also used ideas from it to help teachers who are having behavioural management problems with their classes, as so much of it is about using language to deflect/avoid confrontation.

saadia - I agree about some of the things working with adults as well, I have used them with my mother and husband to great effect.

Oooh, which tips work with adults?

Thanks for bumping Puzzle, I checked this thread assuming it would be just me!

I think this and the other book in the series "Siblings without rivalry" are brilliant

yes. best tip i use all the time is acknowledgement and exploring wishful thinking. somehow gets my dd1 over the frustration. she's only 3 so early days.

I like the fantasy thing as well - 'ooh it would be lovely to get some sweets wouldnt it - I would get a million - how many would you get?' (when saying no to any sweets at all)

I have been using it (again not consistently as I often forget!) and I feel on the whole it works quite well especially as it stops me resorting to put downs ie, why are you being so lazy etc.

Some good bits include:

• Give child full attention and respond with oh i see or aha rather than advice or questions.

• giving information as a way to get them to do something, ie, empty packets belong in bins rather than who left the packets on the floor?

• accepting their feelings, ie, I can see losing your toy upset you rather than don't cry I will get another one.

• give the child choices (choices need to be acceptable to you though or this could back fire)

• say it with a word! Instead of 'you two said you would go upstairs to bed but you have not moved', say 'BED'!

I do feel that since using these skills I shout far less and certainly spend less time feeling guilty for saying mean things that I blurt out in complete frustration.

Giant - yep that one works really well especially with whinging!

Also have the how to talk to kids so they can learn! i do think you need to re-read them often for it to sink in! I am constantly flicking through it to try and burn it all into my tired brain!

I found it helpful, though the tips are easy to forget in the heat of the moment. We used the idea of a family meeting to solve one problem (bits of paper all over the sitting room) and got them to come up with ideas. It really worked and has been working for the last two years.