A parent being honest with her parents

[Dominique07]

My mother keeps telling me how hurt she was when I moved out of my parent's house after University to go and live with my boyfriend.

A couple of years after that me and my boyfriend became more serious and after living together we decided to become a family together.

Now my Mother keeps asking me why did I move out so suddenly, and how upset she feels about it.

I feel the time to be honest is now, and to tell her how upset the constant rows and fights (verbal and physical) my parents were having were stressing me through my entire school career and by the age of 22 it is not a big surprise that I would put up with it no longer.

I fear that she will take this personally and would rather I came up with something that blames me rather than her and my Dad. I know my Dad thinks me selfish for moving out and moving on, but I found the situation intollerable and I'm sure my much younger sister will follow suit as soon as she can!

Should I just be brutal and honest?

How is it selfish to move out? Surely it's just a natural part of growing up?

It's not you who's the selfish one - parents can't make their grown children live the way they want them too

Um, what exactly is wrong with someone leaving home at that age? Entirely normal. 22 year olds SHOULD leave home. Tell her you were grown up and of course you left home, just like everyone else! (Except those who are in financial difficulties/have caring responsibilities/whatever but point is it's NORMAL to leave home when you grow up!)

she has pressed you for an answer, it's not like you've decided to tell her out of the blue...... how many years ago was this? sounds like she really shouldn't still be going on about it.....

could you tell her calmly and factually your reasons?

perhaps she knows the truth really but hopes she's wrong (wouldnt be hard in the circs would it?) or maybe the two of them are arguing about it?

I would be honest, it is very liberating

How odd, given their sitaution that they should be so perplexed that you moved out (as bigtillymint says, a natural step anyway)and keep banging on about it?!

and agree with the others, hardly premature at 22!

I am of the 'brutal honesty' school of thought - you are a grown up and are just too old to be playing the role of compliant child saying what her mum wants to hear ...

I've a feeling she knows as why on earth would she still be going on about it? 22 is an age when it's perfectly natural to leave and move in with a boyfriend. Is she looking for a stick to beat your dad with? ('She moved out because of you you know....' that sort of thing?)

Are your parents still together?

I do wonder how telling her the truth would actually help her as you know her and think she'll then be uspet by your reasons.

Did she never leave home herself?

Wow I must be the only one who thinks, then, that there is no reason to hurt her further.

She's already upset, rightly or wrongly - can't you just stay calm and maintain that you left home because you were growing up/in love with your boyfriend/wanted independence etc. If you stuck with it, there would be no need to go further and actively hurt her feelings, perhaps causing an even bigger rift.

That's what I'd do, anyway.

no legoleia, i can see both sides too. Don't see what there is to gain by telling her mum the real reasons. It'll just start another row surely?

I agree, I wouldn't upset her unnecessarily. Especially as it is more than reasonable to say that at 22 you were a grown up and wanted to go off and make your own life. It's not like you ran away from home at 16.

I went back home after dropping out of University and they couldn't get rid of me quickly enough!

On the other hand, the op thinks her sister will do the same for the same reason, so if no one tells her mum what effect the rows etc have on their children then she will be hurt further by the sister moving out too. Ignorance is not always bliss.

Just say you were 22 and ready to spread your wings and get some independence.

Your mum is lucky you stuck around so long.

No need to tell her the details - what would it achieve?

I had a sort of similar situation with my mum constantly going on (in a jokey way) about what a horrible teenager I was. It was upsetting me, so eventully I told her that it was no surprise that I was difficult, as I had experienced a very abusive childhood at the hands of my father and that TBH she wouldn't have won any parenting awards either. It sounds really harsh but it wasn't as bad as it sounds and I think it made her think about what really went on, and she has never said anything like it again. It helped to make our relationship on more of an adult footing and it sounds like your relationship could benefit from something similar. It's not like you are coming out with this for no reason - she is pushing you and you have the right to your feelings and opinions too.

Ha ha ha! Thank you so much for all this lovely support. It has let me see the funny side of it too! ~
I understand those who've said to save her further hurt, but in the interests of moving forwards and avoiding them repeating the same mistakes I will try to get it out in the open.
Hugs and Thanks. Xxx