6yo DD going through the death thing - Please help me.

[pinkyporker]

It seems to be on her mind 24/7. I tell her not to worry, she gets really upset. Tonight I told her that it's a big surprise and we dont know until the day. Im stuck for something to say that will help her get on with life. She cries and worries about it all the time.

She asks about cremation and cant understand the reasons behind it. She shouts at me when she asks what I want to do and I say I dont know, that I dont even worry about it......

She has so many questions and I dont have enough answers

Normal stage IME. Ds had it particularly badly as his beloved swimming instructor was murdered and he overheard the telephone conversation where I was told of this; he was about 6.

Don't focus on the big surprise/never know when it might happen- aspect; that could easily make her afraid of going to sleep or of leaving you in case you die.

I would rather point out that most people don't die until they are really old and ill and tired and that then it can come as a bit of a relief, because their bodies get worn out and they've done all they wanted to do.
(this one obviously was no good to ds as the poor girl was only about 18, but will do for most cases).

Tell her briskly that you feel in excellent health and don't expect to die until she is a middle-aged woman.

Maybe teach her some tricks for getting scary thoughts out of her head and thinking of nice things instead.

Cuddle and reassure, cuddle and reassure.

In a simialr position. Ds keeps getting himself all worked up and was even crying the other day because he was so upset that i would die.
i said that i was perfectly well and not going to die. he just wailed that "your old and you'll be a hundred soon and then you'll die"
(tried very hard to contain my rage)

i am hoping he will find something else to stress about instead soon enough.

Sorry Mamazon but at 'you'll be a hundred soon'.

DS1 has phases of this too - I do exactly what Cory describes. Unfortunately we are going to have to confront it in reality before too long as his beloved Nanny (my Mum) is terminally ill.

Can't believe I have come online having just come downstairs from extended hysteria about iminent death. Just can't make it better for him. Managed to convince him he wasn't about to die when he went off on one about going to hell! So awful as he was so upset and I can't make it better and he doesn't want a cuddle as he has just hit the age off Mummy mustn't see me crying.
My heart aches for him!

We're having to confront it once again too, sphil, as his friend's mum is terminally ill. She is younger than me

Sorry you're facing this too Cory.Lots of people have pointed me towards Winston's Wish - they do some good books. We haven't told Ds1 about Mum yet - she's OK atm and I think if we tell him too early he may obsess about it.

That sounds very wise, Sphil.

In our case, we've all had to confront it because my friend's children asked the headteacher to tell the school; it was getting too difficult for them to keep up a facade all the time. But ds knew anyway. I think this time it's less hard, though; he is older and though it is somebody else's mum, it's a case of the whole community grieving together.

When it happened last time, he wasn't allowed to talk about it, because his younger cousins were not to be told about it, so that really hurt. And of course the cruelty of it all, she was murdered by her boyfriend, by the person she loved and trusted. We had a special code word for when he needed me to take him to one side to let his feelings out.

Gosh, how difficult for you and DS.

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My son is 7 and has an amazing ability to understand death although we really wish he didn't have to. His uncle died when he was 3 weeks old and his mother died when he was 3 (I married his father a few months ago). He was brought up by my husband and my in laws who unfortunately put a lot of their grief at losing their son early into their only grandchild. He's grown up hearing about dead people and it bothers me and his father. On the other hand, my son's other grandparents don't really talk to him about his mother and I/we wish they would. When my husband and I got together my son would ask lots of questions about 'Mummy up there' and I realised it was because people didn't talk about it so he felt like there was something wrong with him-strangely, they all told me about her, sometimes in front of him which made me angry as he was the person who needed to know. I think that talking to children about death (but trying to put a happier/relief slant on it) is healthier than making them think it's something to fear.

However, I don't know how all of you are with religion, but we go to church and he knows that Mummy is up there and in heaven. When my Grandad died I used to wave at the sky which made my mother cry but also helped me deal with it as I knew he was with God and he was better now.

When my niece met my now son, she asked her mother where his was. We avoided it for a little while then told her. She was a bit unsettled for a week or two (incidentally, most Disney film characters seem to have no Mummy's) but she realised that my son now had a new Mummy.

So I honestly believe, talk to them, cuddle them and explain it's not something that is likely to happen, but whatever happens, don't promise them! My son still struggles to believe his father and I aren't going anywhere as his mother told him she wasn't.