Advice needed by neurotic 1st time mum!

[girlafraid]

I'm a first time mum 9can't you just tell??) of a beautiful 3 week old boy

I realise I am probably being slightly over anxious but would really appreciate some advice from old hands

1: How much interaction/play does a 3 week old want/need? I feel terribly guilty if I don't sit with him whenever he is awake but after sitting him in his chair, singing etc to him this morning and not being able to settle him I realised I had exhausted the poor mite and he just wanted to be left alone - how much time should a new born spend in their moses basket??

1. When should a baby be put in a separate room for quiet naps? I am still scared to be in a separate room from him

1. I know there is a lot of debate over dummies, a dummy seems to settle little one when nothing else does but he will always drop it when he goes to sleep - am I a bad mother who is just using it to keep her child quiet????!

1. No playing at all. Keep him in a sling and he'll be perfectly happy watching what you get up to! Moses baskets? I think you don't need to worry about the 'should' bit - babies don't need to spend time in a moses basket at all! The more time he spends with you the better, but not necessarily with you cooing and playing with him. Be led by him :-)

2)Never if you don't want him to! have always slept in the same room as us night and day and seem to have survived LOL!

3. Not a bad mother for using a dummy - goodness me! You may regret it if you can't get him to stop using it when he's older. And it can interfere with breastfeeding. And it can cause problems with jaw/teeth development if he uses it a lot. But it can mean you survive rather than throwing him out of the window in frustration which would make you a far worse mother! All mothering decisions are about weighing up priorities and every mother's priorities are different.

Enjoy him :-)

OK:

1. A 3 week old is seeing pretty much everything for the first time ever - it's all fascinating - watching you drink a cup of tea is a new experience. I used to stick dd on a mat on the floor and just do stuff round her - sometimes she'd fall asleep there, sometimes she'd watch and wiggle. And by do stuff, I mean lounge about...

1. Keep him in the same room as you for as long as you want. No rules. If he's finding it hard to sleep, try to keep the noise and light level down a bit - use the time to sleep yourself.

1. Dummies suit some babies and not others - I've never used one, as dd was always happy enough without, but they're certainly not a sign of being a bad mother.

And of course you're anxious - it's a brand new human you've got there, and you've never done it before. You'll be surprised at how quickly you begin to feel like an old hand yourself.

As for not being able to give up the dummy- I am speaking as the mother of a 12yo who has still not been able to give up finger sucking. A dummy would have been so much easier- we could have given that to santa years age, with fingers the temptation is always on had so to speak

1. as much as you want to - they don't need much interaction at this age and she won't suffer if you crack on with other stuff like sleeping housework

2. when you feel that both she and you are ready - I never put mine in a different room for naps, but others do from day one.

3. do what feels right to you. There's no real problem with dummies and there is evidence that they can be very good for babies in different ways.

It seems to me that you're doing absolutely fine. Follow your instincts and you won't go far wrong

agree with lindenlass. I sat all mine in their little bouncy chair in the kitchen and chatted to them while I did stuff (although at 3 weeks, I don't think I did much stuff )

You've got some good advise here already, and I don't need to add to that, but I did want to add that my "bible" first time around was 2What to expect - the first year" I could dip into it any time I was anxious or unsure about anything, I thoroughly recommend it.

My 3 tops tips in response to your worries:

1. go back to bed
2. insist on being brought cake by friends and family
3. spend any spare time left after the above has been fulfilled gazing at your child adoringly

Seriously, at 3 weeks old they don't give a rat's ass about toys and stuff. They just want to be carried, cuddled and fed. So carry him lots, cuddle him lots, and if he wants to suck and nothing else will do then let him suck. It's all cool

sorry! I said "her" all the way through my post.

Of course I meant "him"

Do not fret - he will teach you everything! I agree with first poster: be led by him. Some babies welcome more stimulation than others; I had one that wanted to be left alone for sleep and slept in own cot from day 3 - when he had me trained to put him down, for goodness sake woman ! They do not need playing with as such. Talking I think can be very important but you can just describe what you are doing: "See, this is how you eat a chocolate biscuit, love!"
Sleep were you and he are happy: that could be in same room/bed or not. Again be led by his and your needs. You cannot spoil a baby of that age or teach him bad habits! Do not listen to others - and that includes me. Do what feels right. You will know.
Dummy: again be guided by him. I had one dummy addict, one dummy refuser and one who will take it or leave it depending on the phase of the moon I think. Caveat about breastfeeding and nipple confusion as above.

Best of luck and congrats!!

They have to be gazed at a lot - it helps them grow!

oh yes - definitely a lot of gazing. And sitting on the sofa

Awww, I remember feeling like this! Two things you say 'I feel terribly guilty' and 'am I a bad mother'... We all get this. I feel guilty that I shouted at DS yesterday, and I worry that I'm a bad mother intermittently as well. But DS is growing up fine, and some kind people say that I'm a good mother (ha!).

1. I used a sling to carry DS about while doing stuff around the house, going for walks and suchlike. He went in his moses basket for naps, which were sadly infrequent, he's always been an active little blighter. But there's no right and wrong answer. The things I did regularly with him from birth in terms of actual proper interaction were baby massage with singing (at home until he was 6 weeks, then at a class), and playing with water in the bath. Other than that we just hung out together. Or more accurately, he just hung on my breast while I watched 'The OC", and then he hung out in a sling while I danced around to CDs, and then we fell asleep together.

1. I didn't put him in a different room for quiet naps. It's noisy in the womb, and it's noisy in our flat, and he's learnt to sleep through the din just as he slept in the womb with the noise of my heartbeat, digestion and voice. He went in his own room at night-time from 8 months old, but we never kept the noise level down, and we used to leave his door open. But some people do it differently, and it's all good.

1. I used a dummy as DS would have been attached to my breast 24/7 otherwise. He stopped wanting it when he was 6 months old. It comforted him - that's a good thing, and that's why you're giving it to your little one, no? Comforting your child doesn't make you a bad mother. You should probably think about him giving it up when he's ready to start talking - that's a long way off yet. But it will pass in the blink of an eye.

This is such a precious time. I look at photos of my little boy when he was 3 weeks old and it's just incredible to me that he was ever so small and snuggly. Now he's a loud 2 and a half year old boy with a 'Bob the Builder' obsession who wriggles off my knee when I cuddle him 'Can't cuddle now Mummy, am busy'. It's really hard to relax and enjoy your baby - people kept telling me to do it, and I couldn't because I was so hung up on 'doing it right'. But try, because it's gone in a flash, and it's magical.

I agree re using the sling but he doesn't have to be strapped to you all day long. He can go in his moses basket if you need a bit of me time.

OTOH it won't hurt if he is strapped to you all day long. Go with what feels right for you.

The dummy is fine. My dd2 has one mainly used at night time now and only untill she is asleep, however you may feel differently when he is old enough to wake and realise he has dropped his dummy but is not old enough to retrieve it himself yet.

oh god I worried loads about this, was in tears because I thought DS didn't get enough stimulation, was even worried about what kind of music to play to him.. this at a few weeks old! It's perfectly natural. In retrospect I would say as long as the baby is cuddled, talked to, fed and changed, that is really the best and all they need. the world is so new to them. I really wish I'd relaxed more and not worried. However, I couldn't have relaxed more with those new mother hormones pumping like crazy, and no amount of people telling me to relax would have made me less worried.

For naps I used to put DS in the pram and get a walk myself, just to feel a bit saner. (he was on gf routine).

please don't worry and try to be kind to yourself too, not just the baby (easy to say and hard to do, I know!)