Gone back to work. When do you stop missing your children?

[OchAyeballsintheSky]

I started back at work last Monday so this is the second week. Last week was ok because it was a novelty but I'm finding it really hard now. We all leave the house at the same time (stupid o'clock) and go off in different directions. DH takes her to MIL/nursery and brings her home again. I get home about 7pm and just about have time to say hello before she goes to bed. In the space of 10 days I have gone from being more or less her sole carer, to hardly seeing her.

I'm full time for a couple of weeks then down to three days a week, which I am looking forward to but it's so hard. DD is 12 months btw.

Does it get better?

I can't really say as I don't work full time but I would imagine that going part time must be better.

I am working three days a week at the moment and miss my DD terribly on those days as I don't see her in the mornings at all. Fortunately I am back with her by 5pm so we have a few days of missing her and then make up for it on the other two days and at the weekend.

I have been back at work three weeks and so far I am finding it manageable - she is 9 months old.

A couple of weeks? Oh, it's early days yet.
I don't think you do stop missing them, you just kind of get used to it, and it stops being so all encompassing.

And it does get better. I never thought it would, but as you give yourself time to adapt - I found it a difficult adjustment -it eventually it will settle down.

A couple of weeks? Oh, it's early days yet.
I don't think you do stop missing them, you just kind of get used to it, and it stops being so all encompassing.

And it does get better. I never thought it would, but as you give yourself time to adapt - I, personally found it a v. difficult adjustment -it does eventually settle down.

oops.

You've had such a lovely long time with her - I think that must affect your adjusting time. You know that thing about a relationship break-up, allowing yourself a third of the time spent in it to get over it? - not the same thing, obviously, but perhaps it applies generally to emotional adjustments. So, see how you feel in three months? - I know it sounds long but it will start going quickly once work gets moving.

The other thing, though, that will affect it is how happy you (and your dd) are with your childcare arrangements - it is much easier to adapt if you feel your child is in happy hands. Are things good with MIL/nursery?

Thanks I'm sure it will get better. MIL is absolutely fine, they have a great time together. Nursery is OK but we have to change after only as month as DH is changing jobs and the current nursery is part of his workplace. So, new nursery, more visits, settling in etc.

Oh I don't know. I just seem to have taken a massive leap from staying in bed all morning having sleepy cuddles to full on commuter in a child-free world (South West Trains!). There's no in between so far.

Oh, very interested in this thread. I start back at work tomorrow - eek! - (also commuting by South West Trains) and am trying to tell myself that it will all be fine even though I will only see DS long enough to feed him in the morning and, assuming DH manages to get him to sleep, not at all in the evening. OchAyeballsintheSky, I so know what you mean about there seeming to be no in between. I wish you well and hope the transition to the new nursery is smooth.

My kids are 10 and 7 and I still miss them (softie!!) and wish I could be home every day to pick them up and do dinner etc, even though they are at school and I am lucky to only work three days.

That's lovely about your MIL, Ochaye. And, yes, good luck with nursery change - will it still be dh's workplace nursery? Which is nice for him.

One thing I have found (mine are 9 (getting on for 10) and 8) is that you get used to a certain amount of distance from them, which feels right - like a sort of new version of an umbilical cord. So that if they are further away than that, or, very bizarrely, much closer, one's normal equilibrium gets all disturbed. So, for instance, there was a day when my daughter's school was closed and I found an ad hoc place for her at a nursery/childcare setting just round the corner from work and I completely couldn't concentrate all day because I was thinking how I could just go and see her if I felt like it.

Anyway, that's just to say it's all a bit animal and instinctive and you have to give yourself masses of adjusting slack. All the best (and to Sariska too).

I do not stop missing DD, but I find it becomes a nice missing. I think about her when my day is shite and it helps me through, and I look forward to seeing her at the end of the day. She is always so pleased to see me, and I am refreshed from having space that I adore that time. And in reality, after a while when you are at work you become 'pavlov' or whoever, and certainly in my job, I do not have time to sit and dwell on my DD not being there. I work 3.5 days (32hours), and I very lucky not to have a long commute, so although I finish work at 6pm, DH gets DD from nursery on those days after he finishes, then comes to get me and we are home by 6:15pm. In the morning, I see DD for breakfast (hour) before I leave for work. Sometimes, DH will drop me off before/after dropping DD off at nursery, so she gets the excitement of taking mummy to work.

I don't think you stop missing them, my dd is 3.8, I went back to work when she was 7mths and found the first couple of months very hard, but it does get easier. I work 3 days per week which I find is a good balance but luckily don't commute, so drop dd off at 8.15 & collect her at 5.30. She cried for 40mins monday bedtime though because I wasn't there to put her to bed, dh did it, I had to go out at 6pm for an evening meeting.
Dare I say it, occasionally when she is going through a really difficult phase it can be a relief to spend a day away from her, it makes you appreciate the time when you are with them more.
But if I didn't need the money I wouldn't work.

Thanks all. It's nice to hear that it is bearable for most. DD is at the stage where she isn't speaking to me at the moment. She'll sleep cuddled up to me at night still but she doesn't want to know me in daylight hours. It's all daddy, daddy, daddy. I've heard that's pretty normal though.

How did you go today Sariska, if you're around?

It felt a bit like stepping into a parallel universe. I suppose that feeling will lessen, especially once I do something more productive than read and delete a gazillion emails! Work itself will probably be OK but the commute isn't going to be fun (not done it before as we have recently moved from London) - and tomorrow's train is at 6.55am as I have an 8.30 meeting. Honestly, if someone had told me a couple of years ago that I would be getting trains at that time of day as a matter of course I think I would have died of shock.

...But DS was still awake when I got home DH had decided he should stay up so I could feed him. It was a nice end to the day

Eek, wow I have a lie in compared to that. My train isn't till 8 but it feels like the middle of the night to me. It's a strange feeling isn't it? I feel very familiar there but as if half of me is somewhere else. I'm still deleting emails btw and I've been back 7 days!

Glad it went ok.

hope it gets a bit easier soon op

I'm sure it will get easier - especially when DD is really settled in nursery (will probably take a couple of months). It's when you see her playing happily in the nursery room, and being equally happy to see your face that it all starts to feel better.

My DS went to nursery 2.5 days a week from 9 months. I work 3 days a week. It was very hard for the first few months - being a neurotic mother I never felt the nursery was up to the job. In fact for the weeks before I went back to work I behaved as if someone would be taking him away from me forever when I returned to work - it was almost the same heartache as when my mum died.

BUT I do love my job. I feel I'm a better mum from having some "space", and love putting everything into being a mum on the days I do spend with him. Now he is 2.2yo he loves nursery, I trust nursery (nearly) completely, and I know that we have both benefitted from the set-up.

Working 3 days a week is (IMO) a perfect balance. Good luck.

I went back to work in Sept when my DD was 12 months. The first week was indeed a novelty then it got harder. It didn't help that DD caught every bug going in the first few months (at one stage only attended nursery for two days in five weeks!!) & either myself or hubby (no family nearby) had to take time off work to look after her (lovely for me to spend more time with her, but hopeless for either her or I to get into a routine without each other). We weren't that happy with her nursery either & when she hadn't settled by November we took a space at another nursery that we'd also been on the waiting list for. It has been much easier since she has settled so well at her new place. I took a weeks' holiday to settle her in the new nursery & she never cried at any time I left her. By the end of the week she was holding out her arms to her key worker when i dropped her off. I still miss being with her of course - I work full time (couldn't get part time) & have a three hour a day commute so leave at 7 & get home about 7. You just make sure the time you do have is really speacial. It really does get easier a few months down the line & what really is key, is that you know she is happy with whatever childcare you have arranged.

It gets a bit easier - I still miss my dd but the intensity of the feeling is a bit less. I have days where I am so glad to let someone else sort out all the tantrums and days where I miss her with every fibre of my being all day, but generally the extremes are lessened (been back a year since dd 14 months).

I just went back to work this week, and mine are 7 and 9. I know I am lucky as I got to stay at home with them for so long - my dh takes them to school, and I should be able to pick them up most days.

BUT

It feels so weird . I know I'm lucky, and it could be much different, but it still just feels weird.

I went back to work when ours was 7 months (he's now 10 months) but I'm very lucky because I work part time and can do some from home. I do 5 hrs a day which means I still get to see him mornings and evenings. If I have to be at work longer I do miss him terribly, but 5 hrs is manageable and actually a bit of a relief sometimes to be back in adult world. Also means our lives are equal and balanced as DH does the other half of childcare and also works part time, which I think is v important.

I haven't had time to read the whole thread - I don't mean to be critical as I don't know your circumstances but is it really necessary for you to work such long hours, if at all? Your nursery must be costing you a small fortune and your child will never get the same amount of stimulation as he/she does with you. My youngest is 12 now and I never worked full time until he started school (and then as a teacher so I was off in the holidays).
That time is so precious and it is worth economising so you can spend the time with him/her. Do whatever makes you happy and trust your instincts. xx

Glutenfreebabe, I think you're new, but just so you know, posts on your line here can be - quite reasonably - taken as inappropriate and inflammatory by people who have no choice about working or not. (Have a look in the archives if you don't believe me, or think a reaction like that isn't reasonable.)

If anyone is feeling forced to defend themselves, GFB's last sentence is the good place where we all agree - OK?

With regard to working long hours, I actually only work 9 to 5 - it's the driving back & forth that adds to my day (joys of living in London). I could stay at home with my DD, though have chosen to return to work for a few years in order to finance our move out of town by the time DD starts school, to somewhere where the schools are better & my DD can have a better quality of life, & I will no longer work. I figured for her to be without me now for a few years is a small price to pay for a better future for her.
I don't feel the need to defend myself, & neither should anyone else, but just wanted to portray that there are a multitude of reasons bith financial, emotional & practical as to why Mum's return to work.

glutenfreebabe my hours are only 9 - 5, so not overly long, it's just that I work in London so commute. I do love my job and, the fact that I really do have to work, I thought I might as well go back to a job I liked. Anyway, that's why the long hours. And it's only three days a week from this week, so I will be with DD for the other four.

I do have to work. When I left on maternity leave it was my intention not to go back. However, even with the amount of childcare I'm paying, the difference is necessary for us. I wish it wasn't.

It's very hard to leave her but I hope it will get easier.

It does get better because you all get used to the routine and the routine becomes NormaL.

However, my dds are 12 and 10 and I still feel excited at the thought of seeing them at the end of each working day and feel a burst of love as I drive home. I suppose that's 'missing' of a sort but it's a perfectly acceptable, healthy sort of missing. That's how it's been since they were very small.