Am i being over sensitive?? Opinions please.

[minkersmum]

I have been with my partner since dc1 was 10 months. We now have two other dc's also. they are all under 5. My partner treats them all equally and loves dc1 like his own despite dc1 having regular contact with his biological father. Because dc1 was so young when we got together he has grown up knowing my partners parents as grandparents. Up until now they have always been treated the same.
Last week my partners father asked for dc2 and dc3 bank a/c numbers to invest some money for them. Both myself and partner hurt and offended that he wants to make a difference between them. We feel different if dc1 a much older child but my partner is raising 3 kids not 2 and we treat them all exactly the same.
We have more or less said its 3 of them or none of them, its so not about the money and would prefer the whole episode hadn't happened because we feel it has made his feelings clear.

Its his money but i feel i would be letting my child down to let this happen. Am i being unreasonable?

My first reaction is that it should be all or nothing, but when you start delving into it...it's more complicated, for example, would you expect DC1 paternal grandparents to contribute to savings for DC2 and 3, if they wanted to give something to DC1 ?

I do understand why you find it hurtful, but I can see that there are two sides to this.

Tbh I would just accept gracefully and open a savings account for DC1 yourself. You can always even it all up at a later date.

choccyp1g DC1 paternal grandparents are not part of my dc2 and 3's lives. Infact i have never seen them or had contact with them since seperating from dc1's father.

Dc1 does have contact with them tho thru his father.

Thanks, appreciate opinions.

what did he say when you said it's all 3 or none?

(maybe he thought provision had already been made for your first child?)

Don't know yet, partner replyed to his fathers email earlier tonight saying 'thanks for the generous and kind offer but why does it not extand to my 3 children, perhaps we could talk about this'. Awaiting reply.

Not looking forward to response as he tends to be a right twisted git.

Your FIL is going along the lines of blood ties - I quite see your point of view, but also his. My PILs have always been very fair to my DC1 and DC2 (not their grandchildren), but I wouldn't ever expect them to leave any money to them. I think all you can do is make as much provision as you can for your DC1, and hope that his biological father comes good.

hassled can i ask what age they were when they came into your pil's lives.
I just feel because he was a little baby, and at that point they had no biological grandchildren, they made a big deal (more the mother tbh) about him being treated the same as any others that might come along. They now have 3 biological grandchildren (2 are ours and 1 from partners sibling). Feel like that chat has been forgotten about.

DC1 considers them granny and grandpa.

I'm sorry you are anxious about it. I guess your DC1 is not the same in their eyes, and I suppose this is not so much about the money as it is about you and your husband accepting that. Money is a strange thing and it makes people behave oddly. Perhaps you could suggest that they give you one lump sum as a nest egg for your children (all3) but in one account, and for you to distribute as and when required. SOmetimes need is not always equal. My nephew is just getting into all the selective schools but my niece is unlikely to pass the exams so my sister is contempplating paying for her to go private - this is a good example of how need is not always the same. Good luck

Not as young as your oldest - they were 5 and 7. Are now 21 and 19. The same money is spent on birthdays and Christmas, they have the same interest and love for them, I think, but still, DC3 and DC4 are their flesh and blood. It matters to that generation, and I do accept it.

oh well i await his response with baited breath!!
its just such a shame that a kind and generous gift can say so much between the lines.
i KNOW he doesn't love my dc1 the way he loves the others but this is like him putting it in writing and it hurts.