My husband does not really play with our children.

[saraya]

I hope I am not the only one with this problem. My husband is a serious and matter of fact kind of guy and it wasn't untill we had our first son and now our second that i realised just how "stiff" he actually is. he does not play with our 9 month old because I susspect he does not know how to and so the two are more attached to me . HE has only started doing things with our first who is 3 when the latter became a toddler. I see other dads and feel bad cause I wish my husband was as fun and imaginative. I usually am the one who plays, does funny stuff and all with the two cause with young children you have to be a child yourself at times. But I am so tired and worn out from doing everything to do with them that I have no energy to play with them now. Any suggestions? Anyone out there with a similar situation??

Does your DH have male interests that he can share with the boys later on? Not all men "get" baby games but come into their own later with sports, mechanics, technology etc.

The thing is my DH is a very calm and gentle sort of person and does not really enagge in any rough and tumble sort of games with iur DS and is more prone to take our 3 year old out for walks or read to him than play ball etc. I think his lack of imagination and the way he was brought up himself has contributed to him being unable to be a child with his own children.

Well, if he's happy to read to him that is a brilliant start. I'm hopeless at crafts and all that sort of palaver, but have tried to stop beating myself up about that and concentrate on how good it is that we are able to enjoy books together. It's something that can only get better as they grow older.

Now what would have been worrying would have been if your dh hadn't found any way to connect to his sons at all. But walks and books are both very good entry points. Perhaps they can look at bugs and things when they go walking?

And for playing- how about toddler group?

Saraya, if you can hang on in there, you will probably find he gets better as they get older. One of my friends with two sons said her husband didn't really engage with them until they startes school, and became in his eyes, sentient human beings with whom he could hold a conversation. Some adults just don't 'get' babies and toddlers (I sometimes think I'm one of that type myself!). Try and involve him in some of your games, but if he can't do it, let him get on with the storybook reading at bed time - that will build a bond of its own. Taking them for walks isn't a bad thing either, especially if he's interested in nature and can show them different birds and trees etc. It was the other way around with me and my ex when DD was little. I used to do 'nature walks' with DD, but her father was better at playing rough games with her. I got terribly bored going to the park playground and left it to him. But I'd read to her for hours and sing songs etc. We're very close now.

Give it time and try not to force him into doing 'dad' things with them if he can't. He will have a different relationship with them from the 'football dads', but it can still be a close one . They're tiny now and it's actually quite natural that they'll feel closer to you at this age, anyway.

Does he feel less loved by them though? If so, more reason to boost his confidence as a dad by encouraging him to do more of what he's good at, with them. Even a 9 month old can be read to.

i don't really play with my kids, although i'm happy to take them for walks and read to them. but i can't join in with pretend games and the like, have no patience for it. dp is much better at that kind of thing. if nothing else i think it's encouraged them to be able to entertain themselves without constant adult input. i don't think it's necessarily how you spend time with them that matters, more that you can find a few things you're happy to do together. i really wouldn't push him to 'play' in a particular way, just encourage him to spend time with them. ime it's also very common for men to become more interested as babies turn into toddlers, can communicate etc. again, i feel the same

Dp didnt really get involved with DS until he started to toddle, he admitted that he found him boring-dont get me wrong he did his share of nappies and feeding but prefers to play.

I am now 9 weeks pg and DP has already said he will sort DS out while I handle baby lol

Maybe try and involve him in your games so that he sees what they enjoy doing and how much pleasure you get from it?

Did DH have anything he loved as a child?(DP loved lego) and maybe get him to "teach" what he loved doing?

You could send him swimming with your 9 month old, that doesn't require imagination and he will probably have a great time just splashing about and whooshing your lo through the water

Also I wouldn't worry about your children being more attached to you at this age. My dd was more of a mummy's girl at 9 months as I supplied her needs perfectly but she is obsessed with daddy at the moment and cries herself silly when he leaves for work in the morning...they go through phases of attachment and very often it has nothing to do with our parenting style.

I would go out more and leave him alone with them He will find he has to do something with them.

Yeah lots of what you all said is reasonable and I may just give it some time and yes could be the boys are more attached to me for other reasons not to do with their dad not being fun.The walks I mentioned are good yes and my 3 year old finds them special although I must say they only started once our DS was able to go on these walks
I guess as has been said, my Dh is one of those fellas who does not know what to with a baby, but I just can't help wishing he would get down on the floor and do sily stuff with the baby like so many dads do..sigh! anyways..maybe i am being harsh comparing him to those others.
You know readyfornumber2 I don't really know what my Dh liked doing as a child. I think he mentioned chess once? ( fun???hmmmm!)
Another thing is I don't leave them alone much! piscesmoon you could have struck gold there..I always feel guilty when i go out for more than 2 hours!!!!

DH does lots of fun playing with DC, and particularly sporty stuff, but he doesn't do rough and tumble play at all with them now (8 and 9).

Grandad and Uncle do though, when we see them. But they don't really do any other kind of playing with the DC.

DC's friends dads vary, but at least one does none of the above, although he does take them to stuff, and plays on the wii with them.

So I guess all dad's are different

Pisces suggestion is a good one - he needs to find things he can enjoy with them