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Parenting

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Original poster

ds girlfriend crying loudly last night how do i handle it

26 replies

frostbite · 21/01/2009 11:56

my ds 17 nearly 18 has a lovely steady gf also 17 and they stay over in each others houses two or three nights a week,have been very close 6 mos.Last night at midnight heard her crying really loudly in his room [has never happened before and she is very cheerful and happy usually],then some conversation or arguing with her still sobbing and my ds saying sorry a few times.
This is very unusual and obviously i want to know whats happened,or at least what sort of thing happened.Want to talk to him tonight about treating her well[he left the table without her last night and seemeda bit off to me],but want perspective as i think i might say too much/get cross as i feel worried and upset about it.
She is very sweet and sensitive and i fear he has hurt her feelings/been off as his social skills altho much better than they were,can be lacking sometimes ~ he is very sweet but can be a bit thoughtless and i could imagine,could drop a gf like a hot brick if he went off her.
It seems odd as they were happily with us all evening.
I don't usually get involved but feel a bit concerned.Am definitely going to talk about treating her well while here,and how if they do finish,to do it nicely as she is very in love i think and v sensitive, she has also been thru quite a lot.

OP posts:

SmallShips · 21/01/2009 12:37

I would keep out of it TBH, they need to find their own way of dealing with arguments and problems and i doubt either of them would be happy with Mum getting involved.

Perhaps just ask if they could their arguments out of the house.

SmallShips · 21/01/2009 12:37

could keep*

liahgen · 21/01/2009 12:48

I would ask him if there's anything he'd like to talk to you about.

You don't think she's pregnant do you?

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candyfluff · 21/01/2009 13:30

hi frostbite maybe next time you see her pull her aside and ask if shes ok

IAteMakkaPakka · 21/01/2009 13:32

I don't think you need to "handle it", do you?

By all means tactfully ask him if everything's OK and explain what you heard, but in my opinion it's beyond your remit to get involved more than that.

moopymoo · 21/01/2009 13:34

yep hard but it is in these relationships as young teenagers that we learn how to handle stuff. By all means say to him that you heard her crying and is everything ok but otherwise keep out.

Original poster

frostbite · 21/01/2009 13:42

yes,i know they are17,there's an underlying anxiety i feel today that something happened becos of how distressed she was.Ive not heard my own dcs be like that and its not like her.
It could have just been a tiff but it soumded like more.

OP posts:

chloejessmeg · 21/01/2009 13:43

I agree with everybody else, maybe breify ask your DS but don't push him if he doesn't want to tell you and then keep out.

NewAppallingBeginning · 21/01/2009 13:45

I would ask him if everything was okay as you heard his gf crying and him apologising. And I would also let her know if she ever needs to talk to you, she can. I wouldn't say more than that as she might feel embarrassed if she knew you had heard her crying.

Joolyjoolyjoo · 21/01/2009 13:45

I would have to mention it at least (but then I am a nosy bint ) I guess it depends on how open you and your ds are with each other- would he usually talk to you if he had problems?

Original poster

frostbite · 21/01/2009 13:53

yes he would talk but i think my fear is he has behaved badly or inappropriately or worst of all aggressively and he would probably not say in that case.

OP posts:

NewAppallingBeginning · 21/01/2009 13:53

Then I think you do definitely need to talk to him if you think that is possible.

Original poster

frostbite · 21/01/2009 14:11

I'm not sure what to say to him and feel upset about it and don't want to accuse him/fly off the handle but feel very uneasy about this today~i'm half expecting her dad to phone or something.It wasn't like an argument,as we were going to bed she suddenly started very loud distressed crying.After a bit i knocked and asked if they were ok,my ds said yes but didn't come to door [as would usually]and i asked gf and after few mins she said yes between sobs.

OP posts:

Joolyjoolyjoo · 21/01/2009 14:13

I might be tempted to see if a gentle chat to her could shed any more light on it, if you think he might get defensive, although difficult to see how you could arrange this without it seeming arranged, iyswim!

NewAppallingBeginning · 21/01/2009 14:22

I really think you need to talk to them (separately if better) as you feel uneasy about this and while you might be wrong, you know you child and you have already thought her dad might ring, so you are clearly worried. Talk to him tonight.

Original poster

frostbite · 21/01/2009 14:38

maybe "I realise you are both 17 now but i was concerned at how upset x was last night"

OP posts:

OneLieIn · 21/01/2009 14:40

Yes, frostbite. Perfect.

snowleopard · 21/01/2009 14:42

I agree I would ask her not him if everything's OK. If she wants you to butt out she will say yes it's all fine. But at that age it can mean a lot to think your boyfriend's parents care about you, and if she does want to talk then she can.

Original poster

frostbite · 21/01/2009 14:58

for a reason i don't understand this is making me very nervous and i'm cringeing inside
will let you know what happens later,i'm not sure if they're both coming back or what

OP posts:

Joolyjoolyjoo · 21/01/2009 16:28

Hope it goes well- let us know!

bossykate · 21/01/2009 16:32

i do think you should talk to her. yes they are 17 but at risk of coming over all victorian they are Under Your Roof and to some extent you are in loco parentis for her while she is there.

good luck

CrushWithEyeliner · 21/01/2009 16:33

I would mention it if your gut instinct tells you something is not right. Good luck!

It would bug me too....

NewAppallingBeginning · 21/01/2009 18:03

If this had happened at her parents house would you have wanted them to check all was okay?

NewApprehensiveBeginning · 22/01/2009 12:12

Did you talk to them? Are they okay?

Original poster

frostbite · 22/01/2009 13:13

Hi all thanks for your replies they helped me to stay calm and more measured.
I was worried becos nothing like that had happened before and it seemed a bit extreme.
I haven't seen her yet but told my ds i was concerned gf had been so upset in our house.
He said spontaneously he hadn't done anything specific to upset her but he left her on her own [with his sister]a couple of times and went back to the computer.Our house is big and rambly so she felt left behind and a bit neglected.I said she may have seen it as a sign he was losing interest or felt a bit embarassed,he agreed.
He said they sorted it out and i said to treat her as a guest and be attentive when she is here,if he is tired,see her another night.
I think he was thoughtless and did not mean to be rude,but as she is very sensitive to peoples feelings herself she was very upset.There was nothing nasty going on,he is a lovely boy but used to fight with his sister and that may have been at the bottom of my concerns~but thats siblings i suppose.
I am glad we had a chat tho as i want him to treat women with the utmost courtesy and respect.
Also she is only just 17,not that old really.
Thankyou all again much appreciated
If i speak to her at w/e i will post

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