Worrying about going into hospital leaving DH and his parents to look after toddler

[Moop]

Hello

I am having a second baby in May by CS so will be in hospital 3-4 days (I live in Belgium and they say a lot of women stay in 7 days). I am starting to worry about leaving DH and his mom and dad with daughter who will then be 15 months old. We have two sets of stairs - ceramic type so pretty hard and pretty lethal. I have stairgates up but I am worried they won't use them and keep the doors closed etc.

I have been labelled 'anxious' (behind my back of course) my mother in law and she said when we visited last May that I seemed to spend a lot of time with the baby - my DH not pointing out that last May BH the weather was freezing and his father wouldn't put the heating on and the house was very cold - I was with the baby downstairs because it was too cold to put her upstairs to sleep!

The whole safety thing has been a real source of conflict between my DH and me - he has I think totally taken on board what his mother said (bit of a mouthpiece sometimes for them and agree with everything they say) and he is too relaxed about things (except for marks on the bathroom mirror which he can spot at 50 paces - how mad does that make him?).

I am already quite worried about leaving DD with them and got myself in a right tizz last night worrying about qhat could happen to her. I have had the nonsense from his father about how they brought up 3 children (his dad did nothing BTW) and what do I know.

I just need to let off some steam as I had quite a bad night's sleep worrying about it. Can't talk to DH as we have had rows about his mom and dad before.

Moop - I agrre with Anna, if your pils are going to stress you out, can you ask them not to stay.

If you need help post CS, you can arrange kraamzorg from de Bakermat, if you live in the flemish part. They come to your house and help with your childre, making food and some housework. I don't know what the french speaking equivalent is, you would need to ask your doctor.

Thank you for all of your posts - Pheebe was missing the point - my husbands dad did nothing - absolutely nothing with his children when young so his knowledge is zero - yet like many (most) other things he won't listen to other people - certainly not me. They had a bungalow when their children were young and a maid (living in South Africa). My husband is a complete sponge to his mom and dad's opinions and so my biggest fear is that his dad will leave the stairgate off, he will leave the doors open and my husband will say precisely nothing. We need them to come over whilst I am in hospital so at least for the day of the caesarean they will need to left with 15 month old on their own. For other grandchildren at their house they have never had even a high chair - so young children propped up on telephone books - ok I suppose - it's all carpeted. We have wooden and ceramic floors and lethal stairs and I fear they are not going to listen.

All of this is a much bigger issue of mu husband being casual with safety - he has even said to me that he doesn't have to think anymore about safety with a young child around than for himself -and I have said that that attitude makes him dangerous. I feel that he has totally swallowed his mom and dad's opinion that I am over anxious and will not see sensible safety precautions - it is almost like because I have said it - it has to be an overreaction.

Thank you for last post re the home help - I had heard of it but thought it was automatic but one or two women I know here have not had it (we are in a Flemish part).

thanks again

Moop

Kraamzorg is not automatic, you need to arrange it in advance, and the amount you pay is means tested, but very cheap considering how much they do.

If I've missed the point then so have other posters moop, please don't single me out in this way.

In fact I would say its YOU who have missed the point - are you saying his mother never did anything either, are you really saying they are utterly incapable of looking after a child...I doubt it! As other posters have said, your DH is as much a parent to your daughter as you are, I repeat, trust your DH, your dd will be fine for a few days.

I was in hospital for a week over chrismtas moop (not planned, i had an accident) and my DD was absolutely fine with DH. I fretted and fretted but when I wasn't around to do all this thinking for him he focussed on looking after her and did a really good job. When I wasn't around, he knew the buck stopped with him so he became more concerned about stuff he wasn't normally worried about.

You need to talk to him about how he makes you feel when he dismisses your concerns as being over anxious and (even if they are) you would really like him to respect your feelings on the matter becaue you don't want to be fretting in hospital. I am sure, when it comes to it, he will be extremely diligent.

Is telephone book seating really a safety issue as long as there is an adult there to keep an eye? My MIL did not provide a high chair, nor did my parents.

I can see your worries about your dd being left alone with the GPs (presumably while dh is with you in hospital). Otherwise I was going to say, why can't your dh just close the doors without saying anything to his parents. But clearly not if he is with you in hospital.

Is there some other way you could get this to work? Have you got a friend who could come round, or have your dd at her/his house? Or would you consider your dh staying at the house with dd even while you are having the caesarian? (not nice I know, but a possibility).

Safety precautions are very important - I say this as someone who has seen a very distraught DP return recently from the funeral of a little girl who inadvertently drank cleaning fluid, and who lost a friend's child when a bathroom cupboard came crashing down on him.

The kind of people who brought their children up with a lot of help (maids, nannies) do not usually make attentive and reliable childcarers for their grandchildren - I know lots and lots of GPs like this in Paris, who just cannot be left alone with a child (most won't normally have the children to stay without the nanny, so safety issues are dealt with that way).

Why don't you have the baby on your own? DH doesn't really need to be with you for the caesarean if it's planned.

for once i am in total agreement with anna. and i think lots of posters here are missing the point.

I suggested her having her baby on her own too .

And I totally agree that real safety precautions are necessary.

But the instance she cited (not providing a high chair) didn't seem enough evidence that they would also do dagnerous things. My Mum would expect us to do without convenciences such as special equipment at her house(feed sitting on parents' lap or on a cake tin, change baby on a towel on the floor), but she is safe with the stuff that matters, the stuff that could kill.

Now obviously, if she'd said that they left cleaning fluids around then that would be a different matter.

This has provoked some discussion! I am saying that yes my DH needs to be responsible but I worry that he will abdicate that responsibility to his mother (who thinks he does too much anyway so won't expect him to do anything) who has had 3 children but a long time ago and in deifferent circumstances. His father can be a real pain and know it all and seems incapable of closing a door behind him and does not think he needs to have anything pointed out to him. My worry his that my DH will not do HIS job - his mom and dad are only there to help.

I at least need DH to drive me to the hospital and I will be encouraging him to get home asap and then only come in and see me with DD and his mom and dad (I will miss DD enormously anyway and want her in every day).

I went to a coffee morning today and the mother with her second child - 1 year old - just carried on having her coffee paying no attention to daughter who manages to whack her head badly on the tv cabinet - it is not just men who are lax.

I am making my point about highchairs and stairs because we have hard floors and stairs - I myself went down a full set of stairs at 2.5 years but was ok - our stairs are lethal.

It is about your attitude to safety that matters.

Sorry - last point - people didn't have stairgates 30 years ago but it doesn't mean that children did not die or were not seriously injured falling downstairs.

I think the points people have made about GP's being out of practice is valid - my parents in law haven't looked after such young children since their own 35 yrs ago so people do forget how quickly a child can move and what danger they can get into.

If you know you need to be vigilant then that is half the battle - it's people who don't think that is necessary who are a danger.

Can't you get them not to come except for the time your DH is actually at the hospital with you? He would probably be better on his own than with them to distract him surely.

I can't imagine having parents (or pil) like this - mine are so far in the opposite direction it's annoying.

I think that you need to sit down and have a really serious chat with your DH and tell him how much this is worrying, upsetting and stressing you. I don't blame you one bit for worrying. His parents sound a nightmare. However, he needs to listen to you and do what you ask.

You have two choices - you have the baby on your own leaving dh free to babysit his parents babysitting your elder child.

Or you have your dh with you at the birth and accept that maybe the GP are being relaxed and unanxious about things because they think that you will be reassured by this.

I'm not convinced that they will leave the stairgate open just to mess with your mind.

I don't think they will leave it open to mess with my mind either. It is about a lack of respect for me as a parent. I know they have 3 children and all the stuff we have said - but they don't respect in this and in lots of other things - that people do things differently. If they don't think it's important then they won't do it.

Their daughter has never had a stairgate and I don't think they have ever said anything to her about that being unsafe - hence my concern that they think its PC, over anxious parents and it the "what do they know" attitude - "we never had any of that stuff" and a unwillingness to learn.

On a completely unrelated matter, I have Coeliac disease so cannot eat gluten - mainly bread, cereals, flour and stuff. My father in law has been a complete pain in the whatsit over it - he does not give a toss and so food preparation etc is a nightmare so it's part of a theme particularly with him and all my DH says is "he is nearly 70 he is not going to change" - well I don't agree that people can't change.

I'm sorry to be harsh moop but you say:

"but they don't respect in this and in lots of other things - that people do things differently"

clearly neither do you. You criticise another mother because her child bumped its head. These things happen, without wanting to sound condescending having 2 dcs will put this all into perspective. You can't and shouldn't protect kids from every little bump and knock, its how they discover the world and learn to protect themselves. Of course the big things are non-negotiable - closing stairgates on ceramic covered stairs, moving chemicals to high cupboards. However, I think you're letting the fact you don't like your PILs cloud your judgement here. As another poster said, its very different when you're looking after a child with no other distractions and no parent around to look over your shoulder. Unless you are convinced they will place her in danger you need to calm down about this, trust your DH and let him be present at the birth of his second child...imo anyway

Congratulations btw and good luck with your new little one (I'm very jealous )

I do agree with Pheebe on one point: once you are dealing with a screaming baby and running after a toddler at the same time, you will feel less inclined to judge other parents. You will be a lot more tired for one thing and therefore slower in your reactions. And more eager to cling to any cuppa you can get hold of. And it is almost certain that you will be more relaxed about head bumps etc by the time your second gets to the toddler stage.

Also, whether your PILs show you respect or not is possibly immaterial to their ability to look after your dd for an hour while your dh takes you to hospital.

However, the staircase is still a valid matter of concern and I fully agree with that. Those hard stairs sound nasty.

I would see if it is not possible to plan this hour or whatever so your dd and ILs are engaged on some safe activity until your dh gets home. Is it a planned Caesarian- do you know when you'll be going in? (that would make life easier). Is there some treat you could organise for the three of them? You obviously have to do it very tactfully, so they don't realise what you're getting at or how much is at stake for you.

Or would it even be possible for you to go in by taxi (I did).

Sorry but I strongly diasgree about the bump on the head. This particular mother at every coffee morning pays no attention to the child at all and her answer is to shove a dummy in her mouth. I agree if someone is busy they can't watch their children all the time but at just gone 12months there is no learning opportunity for a child - she was sat 3 feet away - are you honestly telling me someone can't (won't) just keep an eye on them? Bit sad. Accidents will happen but why does someone want to make them more likely?
My basic point has been about someone (mainly father in law) not seeing a stairgate as important - I see that as a dangerous attitude - particularly where someone is not willing to listen and respect the parent in such circumstances.

Yes, but concentrate on the safety aspect; it's about your toddler, not about you. If they disrespect you, but keep her safe, that's the main thing. And even the highest respect for you won't help if they're idiots who won't know what to do in an emergency.

On balance, it sounds like they may well be idiots who also disrespect you, so try to either keep them busy or completely out of the way. A taxi to the hospital might be the solution. Or a reliable friend to look after dd for that short space.

About the other mum- it is just possible that she is too knackered to react quickly. I do seem to remember something like it when I had a toddler and a newborn to look after and was constantly torn in two directions. Walked around like a zombie a lot of the time.

Come to think of it- can't your dh drive you to the hospital with dd in the car? And then take her out for an outing/find a nice park near the hospital?

Sorry I am going on now...

My concerns are around the whole dynamics of PIL's being here and my DH abdicating his responsibilities as a parent. DD has a routine, she sleeps well, she eats well etc. I can see at the first instance of DH's mom saying "well why are you doing that?" what I have built will go out the window and he will follow what she says - without thinking for himself.

I need and want my husband to come to the hospital for the birth of his second child and that is not up for discussion - so it means that is mom and dad will come over and I have to deal with my feelings about that because I sure like lots of people, the dynamics of how I interact with them, how DH interacts with them and how DH and I interact when they are around - none of it is as good as it could be.

But - if his father gets it into his head that the stairgate is just me fussing - then he won;t do it - he is not amenable to discussion, other people's opinions etc - it makes things difficult.

I know cory and maybe women with more than one child think I am being harsh - but this mother had her back to the kid - she wasn't concerned at all where the daughter was and she was bright, animated and chatting to her friends - almost as if she didn't have a child with her.

Thank you Pheebe for congratulations. It is good for me to talk to other people as I know that my own reactions to PIL's and DH don't work as I would want sometimes - I just feel that I can't get my point of view across to them - they are dismissive of other people's opinions (not to go on - though I am - we once went to play tennis - in August and I took a bottle of water with me and they said - "what are you doing that for - can't you survive for a couple of hours without a drink" - I am nearly 40 - I still get my head round why they would even comment on something like that - that is what they can be like - really rigid and I do feel that how I do things is 'wrong' and my DH does not support me at all in my interactions with them - they are old (66 and 70) and I have to accomodate - always.

Forgive me- I know you're stressed... but people did have stairgates 30 years ago!
I am 35, and my parents always had one up- I have a succession of younger siblings, so we had stairgates up until I was about 15.

Some people are just more laid back about safety issues.
You are not due until May, so you have plenty of chance for DH to practice caring for you DD between now and then- which you need to make the most of, so he will be confident in his ability to cope.

You also need to accept that each parent will care for their child in a slightly different way- thats life I'm afraid.
Just make sure he is fully conversant with her routine, and give him lots of opportunities to care for her.

Perhaps trial runs with the GPs would help too? Or maybe look for a child-minder/nanny for when DH comes up to the hospital- you have time for DD to get used to them now, so it's not a huge upheaval for her.

Please don't worry. They will be fine.

My Dh and my parents are greater worriers than I have ever been. They see dangers and risks everywhere when there aren't any (IMO). If I have managed not to kill my 3 in the last 12 years I am certain a trustworthy DH and his somewhat dopey parents can cope.

No disrespect to you only having one, but the kids you have, the more relaxed you are. I had safety everything for my 1st, by the time I got to the 4th, we didn't. We just learned what was real risk (lock on cleaning cupboard, stair gate at the top of the stairs for eg, though that was only closed at night)

I think you have to let your DH parent, however he does it. What would you do if you got sick?? I was hospitalised a number of times when mine were small, I had to let him get on with it. He will learn

Soon you will have 2 small children, you will have to let some of it go cos I promise you, chasing 2 toddlers in different directions isn't possible and there will be many many bumps