Advice urgently needed, please!! Toddler waking up EVERY night.

[Gateau]

Ds is 21 months and up until the last couple of weeks, mostly slept through.
However for the last couple of weeks he screams when put in his cot and wakes up throughout the night, every night.
For the last week or so, we have gone in to see that he's okay - which he usually is, and then put him down in his cot again - to no avail. The screaming continues. eWe have tried leaving him to cry but there's only so much we can listen to in the wee hours of the morning.
My DH or I invariably resort to sleeping with him in the double bed in his room, which calms him and means he sleeps until the morning. This is OBVIOUSLY exactly what he wants. A couple of nights last week, we thought we had struck gold when, when he work up in the early hours we left him on his OWN and he slept through till morning. But that hss now goen to the wall..
I really don't know what to do next; we're distressed and Ds is distressed.
Does anyone have any advice and furthermore, does anyone know what could possibly be causing this? He also screams when put down in his cot for a nap but usually settles down after about 5-10 minutes. I think hhe is scared of being away away from us and alone, but maybe I'm wrong??!
Please help!

Is it always at a similar time he wakes?

If so some people suggest waking earlier than this and trying to break the pattern.

My DS2 is a light sleeper and I did controlled crying but just for two minutes at a time. He's now in his own bed through the night but wakes most nights once. He does go pretty much straight back to bed when told though.

So hard to be rational and tackle a new routine when you're tired - good luck

Poor you, DD has never been a great sleeper so you have my sympathies. Have you thought about moving him into a bed or do you think he is still too little. We moved DD at 2 when she started screaming at bedtime (she had never been a probme at bedtime) and that did help. However, she did end up crawling into bed with us about 4am and its only now we have broken her out of that habit, 8 months on. However, I never really minded her being in bed with us for a few hours in the morning as it was preferable to being woken up by screams as we had been for the previous 2 years.

I do think they do get scared and need reassurance at this age. Its up to you whether you have the stamina for a gradual withdrawal which can takes a few weeks or whether you are happy to co-sleep for a bit.

Sorry - not sure i have helped there! I found the no cry sleep solution book by Elizabeth Pantley gave us lots of ideas to try. Hers are not quick fixes though as they are about reassurance and building confidence.

There can be a bout of separation anxiety between 18 and 24 months.

My 20 month old dd is behaving similarly atm. The middle of the night is the big one when she will become quite upset if she can't have a cuddle.

I would hazard that it is separation anxiety, and as such would work at reassuring him and gradually withdrawing. I think it will pass on its own and if you're happy to sleep in the double bed for a few nights, perhaps creeping out once he's asleep and waiting for him to sleep through again.

Is he warm enough too? DD wakes up when it's at its coldest here, so the wee small hours and immediately looks for us instead of going back to sleep as she would usually.

Both of you have helped and thank you for replying.
Twofalls, we have tried putting him to bed - in the big bed, but he just gets out and comes waddling in to the lounge to us. Very cute, but not ideal!
So he's back in his cot, for starters, but then we move him into the big bed with us in the early hours.
Ant, we were doing the controlled crying thing but for much longer periods of time than you did. It was agomising and very distressing. Might try the two minute thing. Did this work for you and how long did it take?

Thanks nimchimpsky.
I think all we can do at the mo is going into the big bed and sleep with him until this (I hope!) passes. Our intention has been to wait until he's sleeping and leave him but we invariably fall asleep ourselves! [sigh].
The other solution is to leave him crying and get some ear plugs. We have tried that route, and not only do I hate ear plugs, but I just can't listen to him crying and crying and crying.

We moved dd into her own bed but with the cot up against it so that she wouldn't/couldn't get out iyswim. We also ended up moving the bed onto a different wall because we found she was waking up a bit cold during the night and I think it was because of the vent on the wall.

I think if it is separation anxiety then the best thing you can do is reassure him through it. I know that my dd even at a month younger than your ds is suddenly far more cognizant of the world and how it works. While she is going through this separation anxiety we have found that if we explain (very simply) what will happen and when, she expects that to happen and is reassured by it. So, if she goes out with dh and is sad to leave me then we explain where they are going, what they will do and when they will be back. This helps her enormously.

I think if you just leave him to cry through this then his understanding of the world around him and his primary caregivers may be a little confused. It's perfectly right and normal that he needs your presence reaffirmed to him in the middle of a long lonely night. It won't be forever.

This is of course all imo. I understand you don't want to slide into a habit but I think if you gradually withdraw and leave him to sleep he can learn that you come when he needs you but it is still necessary for him to sleep in and wake up in his own space without your constant presence.

I do sympathise. It's so hard when you're tired.

Thank you nimchimpsky. That sounds like very good advice and I'm going to use it.
Now I feel so guilty about those times when we left him to cry and cry during the night. To much listening to other people's advice, you see, when it's not awlays right! Now I will listen to and act upon the advice I want to!

Very well put nimchimpsky, I couldn't agree more. For the past 2 years I have been told to leave DD to cry it out - "tough love" they kept calling it. But I always instinctively felt that all DD needed was reassaurane, to know that someone would come if she needed us. Gradual withdrawal has worked really well and now she is a bit older and can communicate really well she can tell us what she needs which makes it so much easier. I asked her why she called out the other night and she told me that she was scared and needed a cuddle. Sometimes we forget that they are just very little children who need us - as nim said - in the middle of a long and lonely night.

Gateau, it is so hard to do what you want to do in the face of everyone else telling you to tough it out and that your children are manipulating you and taking you for a ride. Even after 2.5 years of sleepless nights, I still don't think I would do anything different because DD is a really secure little girl - some people would disagree, but I think her security is in some way down to the fact she knows people are there when she needs them.

As I said, reassurance and gradual withdrawal worked in the end and now she is a really good sleeper.

Sorry for the essay. I keep doing this. I am at home with a broken leg so too much time on my hands to think!!

Wise words, twofalls. Thank you. Don't worry, I am very grateful for the essay! This all helps. And yes, I am going to go down this route and banish this tough love method. It's not working and it doesn't make me feel good.
How did you do the gradual withdrawal then? Was it a case of stayimg with your DD until she fell asleep?

have you done anything at all to change his routine, bedtime or not? could be something small.
We ahve just returned from holiday. DS slept in bed with us, which he had never done before. When we got home, he wouldn't sleep wihtout one of us beign with him. I would sit in his doorway and read my book while eh drifted off, then leave the room. I made sure i told him that once he was asleep i would be going downstairs. I then moved a little further away to the top of te stairs, he could still see me. Then to the bottom of the stairs. Our pc is under the stairs so i can hear him and he can hear me. Occassionally he asks me to tell him if i can hear him. so cute. he shouts "i hear you" down the stairs.

We also have to leave the landing light on now which i have never ever done before.

He is 2 1/2. Initially when he woke in the night i would also have to sit back by his door and read my book, but he's much better now. still not back to normal.

Might be worht investing in a lumilove night light or leaving something of yours with him for when he wakes wihtout you. jumper, cuddly toy.

Diddel, we were at my Mum and Dad's for 11 days over Christmas and New Year. he was fine there bu this all started in the last couple of days there.
That "I hear you" bit is so cute.
I'll consdier doing that too, though I have the feeling DS would NEVER setle if I did that. But who knows?!
You don't know how bloody guilty I feel leaving him to cry for so long all those times. I thought it was the right thing to do!!

I started it at bedtime because they became a real issue when she was around 2 and instead of sitting with her on the bed, I would sit at the end of the bed not looking at her. I then started telling her I needed to pop out and would be back in a minute. I would return in around 30 seconds, before she got at all upset. I then started lengthening the time I was away gradually until one day she was asleep by the time I went back to see her. I also introduced the "fairy spray" which was a spray bottle filled with water and lavender oil - I would pop out to get it, spray some on her pillow to help her sleep and then pop out to put it back for the fairies to take to her cousins. She trusted that I would come back so she relaxed enough to go to sleep. Around this time, i also put a story tape on for her to take her mind off the silence. Cinderalla, Goldilocks and The gingerbread man were favourites.

Once bedtime was OK, we started doing the same at night although I wasn't nearly as consistent with it which is why I used to give in and let her in bed with us but by that time, she was only really waking about 4 and I could cope with that. i think I am probably confusing two methods:

Gradual Withdrawal - essentially where you sit a bit further away from the cot/bed every night until you are virtually out of the door.

Rapid return - popping out for a short time and gradually lengthening the time you are away until they are relaxed enough to sleep.

All the time, you explain what is happening and reassure that you are there and will come if they are call but not to get out of bed themselves.

A combination of these methods, the story tape (used in the night as well as at bedtime sometimes), the fairy dust and a lot of patience sorted us out and we didn't have tears and screaming any more.

I really hope some of this helps. You do have my sympathy because the sleepless nights are really awful but they do and will pass.

oh, and don't feel guilty about leaving him to cry. I remember shouting at DD in tiredness and frustration one night and so she would have probably been much better off being left to cry rather than having a sleep deprived loony mother shouting at her to please go to sleep . That is when I ordered the Elizabeth Pantley book and decided a plan of action was what we needed!

If he is waking at the same times each night, you could try the Wake To Sleep method. My Dd woke every night for 19 months and I broke it by trying this method. It's very easy to do and after a week, they should be settled. I wish I could link for you, but I can't!

Easy to say but don't feel at all guilty. the first few days back from our hols, i decided i was going to be strict and ds would sleep in his room whether he liked it or not. he screamed and shouted for 2 hours, i checked on him but wouldn't bring him downstairs or stay with him.
Of course you beat yourself up about it. But it works for some people and notothers. you had to try it.

Many thanks, twofalls. Have read with a lot of interest.
I'll have to adopt the 'fairy' spray for my DS though! What do you think, Postman Pay spray or something of that ilk??!

Hi all I'm new here!!
Just wondering if anyone can relate or have any advice for me
My daughter is 20 months and in the last two weeks she has been waking up in the night from about 2-6am!!
Usually she sleeps right through. Nothing has changed in her routine at all. She doesn't wake up crying or distressed. See comes into my room wanting to play!!! I don't entertain her I just put her back in her bed constantly. Lack of sleep is starting to get to me I'm feeling it during the day now.
Has anyone experienced anything similar?
Would appreciate the help