New parent neuroticism - how do you get past it?

[BarrelOfMonkeys]

This is going to sound stupid and I know it's a bit PFB but - DD1 is 8 days old and I am the cliched mother that has to keep getting up to poke her baby to check she's still breathing. DH went down the shops today for a couple of hours and I desperately needed to catch up on some sleep as DD went down but every time she went quiet I'm out of bed like a shot to check I haven't wrapped her up wrong. I have a real (irrational?) fear of suffocating her by wrapping the blankets wrongly or something. If I'm awake it's fine, I can keep checking her, or if DH is there I get him to check and feel better for the second opinion but he has to go back to work at some point and I need to cope solo - and get some sleep! How do I get over this? I'm hyper aware I only need to screw up once and the consequences would be unbearable. I know I am over-reacting but I can't help it.

Have another one

Seriously though, I think all first-time parents are like this at first - we certainly were. It justs gets easier as they get a bit older.

Though I do have a hilarious photo of me at the bottom of a climbing frame looking up at ds1 (3) with the most angst-ridden face.

After the birth I had, and then the amazing hunger-striking baby of the first few days which transformed into the non-stop feeder with marathon 2-3 hour feeds, another one is definitely not on the cards right now!!

Well, at least it's not just me... my DH is so laid back and just says to trust she'll be fine... but HOW?! I'm not really someone who is comfortable with babies, although they said it would be different with my own -but I guess it is just practice... Will be much happier when she is bigger and hardier!

Hello BarrelOfMonkeys - just came across your post and thought I should reply.... I promise you will get over this! I had very bad post natal depression and felt totally anxious about having a new baby (dd1 is now almost 9 months). The 1st few months were pretty hellish for me and like you I did all the checking to see she was still breathing, which obviously makes it hard to get any sleep! By the way, is she sleeping with you in your room? My intention was to keep dd in our room till she was 6 months old but ended up putting her in her own room (just next door) from 2 weeks because I found that I really needed some separation from her and my own space to rest and sleep, especially because I was breastfeeding (and still am in fact!). Regarding your irrational fear (which can be a symptom of PND and was in my case, although might not be for you), I had a horrible fear that I would throw dd out of the window. It really tormented me and I was totally anxious because of the horrific thoughts I was having. Like you, I couldn't stop thinking about the awful possible consequences if I carried out an action like this. In retrospect, I can see that this was a reaction to becoming a mother and feeling that I couldn't cope and was rejecting her (ie. not accepting the situation and wanting my old life back). With time, these strong feelings and thoughts faded away and like everyone else, became used to becoming a mother. Now I find motherhood very hard work especially with no family around to help out (or friends really as they have their own lives to deal with) but I can honestly say that it was all worth it and I absolutely adore my gorgeous dd. Just remember that this period of anxiety and paranoia will pass and in the meantime just try to get as much help as possible. Have you tried leaving dd with her dh or another family member you trust 100% just so that you can go to your room and switch off knowing that she is being taken care of? And remember that thoughts are not facts - a piece of advice that I have found invaluable.

All the best and remember you're not alone!

Big hug to you. x

Hi BarrelOfMonkeys, and congrats on your lovely new DD!

I can't remember how old DS was when I first trusted him to keep breathing all the way through the night unpoked, as it were (although I do recall getting v antsy when we put him in his own room at 13 weeks, so obv it was a while). And I couldn't walk down the hall of my flat without nightmare visions of me tripping and dropping him over the bannister.

It's normal, it passes, it's horrible until it does. I think it's a combination of the awesome new responsibility you've taken on, and the vile sleep deprivation.

Probably not much help, but the point is, you're normal

Letting someone else watch DD so you can go 'off duty' is a great idea. Wish I'd done more of it.

I think it's totally normal - your baby is still so tiny!

DD is now 2 and last night she was very quiet and still in bed, I put my hand on her chest just briefly and suddenly realised that I hadn't done that for a while - when she was a newborn I was constantly doing it.

When she was a newborn she used to sleep in a Moses basket next to our bed, I would be getting her out several times a night to feed and would always wake up just after putting her back in her Moses basket in a blind panic, patting the bed thinking I had fallen asleep without putting her back and afraid she was under the duvet and couldn't breathe. That lasted for months! When she was about 6 months I remember telling my aunt that I still checked on her several times a night and she said she still does the same with my cousin - he's 21!!!

I did this all the time when ours was born - I'm still prone to it now (nearly 12mths)when she's been ill and I think her mum's the same! I think too that, if you're going to be at either extreme, much better to be at this one than the other ...

As an answer to your question, you get past it because things happen. One night you forget to check and she's still breathing come next morning. One day she finally has her first fall and, yes, she howls, but she doesn't break anything. And so it goes on.

Absolutely terrifying though!

Angel monitor - absolute godsend, I'd never have got a wink of sleep without it with either DS. Can be used in a moses basket and in a travel cot too.

I think it's perfectly natural - I held my finger over dd1's two week old nose at three am and was convinced there was no breath, so snatched her from her bedside moses basket and shook her awake in panic, then was sleepless with fear for five nights over possible shaken baby syndrome.

You can't win, you can only keep going, your baby will be fine, it's like flying - everyone worries, but worst case scenario happens very very very infrequently.

I think you're either prone to over worry, or not - was your Mum the same?

Thanks all. DH does take her for an hour in the day (or however long she'll go between feeds) so I can get some 'proper' sleep...

Interesting point rones and snigger - my mum had quite bad PND so I am on the lookout for signs, although didn't know that paranoia was one of the signs. Breastfeeding has been tough, from refusing to feed now at other extreme - she's been on breast since 20.15 and still going, which is typical. Finding it draining rather than bonding, but at moment still putting it down to baby blues and trying to keep perspective.

She is sleeping in our room, we do have an angel monitor but then I worry it's stopped working...

Oh well, I feel a bit better knowing other people have been through this too! Thanks.

Congratulations on your DD, mine is now 4 weeks old and I'm the same. She's a very noisy sleeper, snuffling and sighing, so the minute she stops making noises I'm checking her breathing etc. We have a monitor, which I don't believe works, so I'm frequently up and down the stairs when she's nappping, only to discover it works fine.

And it doesn't stop at sleeping - the first time I took her out in the pram I almost pushed the pram right through the hedge trying to get away from the roadside in case the cars mounted the pavement and hit us. I now enjoy our walks, so assume that with time I will relax similarly when nshe sleeps.

FWIW, there's no history of depression or PND in my family (although I'm aware that's no guarantee of not getting PND myself), but I believe that it's completely normal for all new parents to feel like this and it's just the weight of tiredness and love for the little one consuming us. Enjoy your DD, I'm sure she's adorable

You don't get over it, you just move your worries onto something else. That's what motherhood is all about

New mothers are meant to be neurotic and worry. It's normal. The human race would probably died out if we thought 'can't hear him/her breathing *shrug probably nothing, they were fine last night.'
I'm still like it and dss are 3 and 19 months. I'm pg w/no3 and panic about the pgnancy. Totally normal - this is what I tell myself anyway

You have a first child who is so many scrapes, has so many bumps, bruises and cuts in their first three years that you are ground down by them and become (nearly) past caring. remembers the horror of stitches at 11 months, glue at 23 months, steristrips at 2.3, etc..... shudder) and oh god all the blood coming out of this little boy's head

He could walk at 10 months, climb at 11 months, had a huge head which invariably hit the ground, and never stopped running. We often fantasized about having a padded cell we could put him in for a few minutes so we could have a cup of tea without worrying...

When I put my DT's into their own room (afer a massive amount of persuasion from DP
and tears from me!) DP installed a camera/monitor so we could see and hear them from downstairs.( I was only a bit neurotic!)
They are 9 months now and DP still has to occasionally pry my eyes away from the monitor screen! I am not as bad now, but one cough would send me racing up the stairs leaving my dinner on a floor and a spilled cup of tea over the carpet!
There are new worries every day, I just handle them better now!

That's true, duchesse. I stayed awake all night wondering whether the little bit of blood I'd accidentally drawn when I clipped 12-week-old DS's fingernails would turn into an infection and then gangrene and cause his finger to drop off...

At 17 months he is a sturdy vandal with a fair collection of bruises on his head and a lemming-like wish to hurl himself off any edge he sees. And I'm starting to think 'you can try if you like, but you'll wish you hadn't...'

You get past it shortly after the inevitable day they fall off the bed! Seriously, this is normal and is nature's way of making you a good mum. Especially once they're moving you can see how robust they are. It won't be long!

I have been known to check that my 7 and 13 year olds are still breathing........

My 20 mo is my 5th, and her brothers and sister have managed to survive to 17+ but I still check that she's breathing when she's asleep.

When she was in her rear-facing car seat I often had to ask the DS sitting in the back to check her (which they did with a resigned sigh)

actually just realised she is 22 months, not 20 (where does the time go?!)

Makkapakka Falling off the bed? Great, something else to worry about!

Thanks everyone, feel a bit less like a woman on the edge of a nervous breakdown now... well, slightly.

Another spectacular from my now 15 yr old PFB earlier: he sliced his finger open with a stanley knife whilst engaged on some important whittling business. Was most put out that his grandmama and I just laughed it off (whilst patching him with steristrips and bandage to quell the flow of blood). Started making arch comments about oh, yes stopping bleeding when he'd bled dry. He was a bit put that we didn't take it more seriously...

I think it's natural and don't worry..

I was EXACTLY the same. I got concerned my DS was not getting sufficient intellectual stimulation when he was 2 weeks old and searched everywhere for the right classical music to play to him. He would make the tiniest grunt in the night and I would be there by the cot listening frantically (as would DH). It sounds funny now but I was really stressed about things like that at the time. Got very stressed if someone held him in a funny way etc. I really believe it's just your natural instinct to protect your child, and there's not much you can do except not castigate yourself about it.

I can't really tell you to relax but all I can say is it gradually gets easier as they get older. I found the 1st birthday to be a bit of a landmark, (DS is 2). and the anxiety of that 'young baby' stage is just temporary, so try to keep that in mind. Sleep deprivation is a major factor too. Come 4-5 months it gets better. Best of luck!