Feel like a bad mother - i seem to be getting it all wrong all of a sudden

[LucyEllensmummy]

I thought i was doing OK at this mummy business, i certainly adore my DD and do my best for her.

She is 3.5 and goes to preschool for 2.5 hrs five days a week. She is a bit spoilt, ney a lot spoilt, mostly by her daddy and DP and I do have words over this.

I have found that just lately though, nothing is good enough for her - or so it seems. If she can't have something RIGHT NOW or something doesn't go right for her, she doesn't exactly tantrum but there are lots of (very loud) tears. I have often found myself just having to ignore it - i feel like there is more crying in the house now than when she was a baby. She CONSTANTLY wants my attention, i am finding it hard to do ANYTHING around the house. She actually tells us to stop talking if it isn't to her and will put her hand over my mouth and scream at me to shut up if DP and I try to talk. Everything is MY fault, if my DP tells her off the stock reply is tears and "i don't love my mummy" WTF>???

The hardest thing at the moment though is play, she wants to play from the minute she wakes up its constant. Thats fine, but she is so difficult about it - role play is a big thing for her just now - but she ends up screaming at me if i don't say the right stuff (yep, i need to be a mind reader) in the correct tone of voice and pretend to be the right person. She loves doing crafty stuff but wants to do it ALL and gets so cross if i try to help her, or even try to do stuff along side her - but then gets upset because im "not playing".

Im painting a bit of a bad picture, but i do know these things are normal for her age and she IS a lovely loving little girl. Sometimes she will cuddle me so tight and say, "im never letting go" and it melts my heart. She is funny and has an acute sense of humour too. But all the other stuff means that by the time DP comes home from work i am on a thread of a short fuse and have just had enough of her. I am not looking for sympathy but just ways to cope and not get so wound up about it. I do say its a phase, its a phase more times than i can remember, but sometimes, just the noise gets me down. Last night there was something on TV, i hardly watch TV but this was something that really interests me (rotties, a passion of mine since we lost our two big boys) and i really just wanted to listen to it - but she screamed all the way through it because i wouldn't let her have a THIRD jam tart until after dinner. I got really pissed off and said to my DP - "five fucking minutes, thats all i wanted to listen about the dogs but she has screamed right through it" He just said, well, xhe will be at school in september wont she so you wont have to worry about it.....

OOOh, I found 3 a hard age. Definitely the hardest we've had so far and my eldest has reached puberty. No clever suggestions- I never managed to stop my own two from being 3-year-olds- just sympathy and the assurance that it will pass. It's just one of those awkward in-between ages.

I think they call it 'Threenager'. Mine was just like that.

Hi Lucyellensmum - I'm so glad you started this thread. DD is exactly same age and at pre-school etc.

I love THREENAGER! I keep saying to DH that she's like a teenager at the moment. She also wants to play every minute of the day, almost deliberately makes herself cry (watching her faces as she works herself up is quite something).

Talk about role play...last night when I got home from work I had to be the mummy cushion in a cushion family, she was a baby cushion and a real cushion from the sofa was her baby. I had to carry her across the lounge to put her down on her own imaginary sofa....then DH had to come and pretend to sit on her

DH was just looking at us from the dining room with this incredulous look on his face as if to say, "she's gone mad, and you seem to have joined her". LOL.

It's a trying time, but I guess their minds are making huge leaps at this point. They hear stuff at nursery that they haven't encountered before (DD now telling me she's not my friend anymore, as apparently this is a phrase that has entered their class somehow and they are all obviously trying it out to see it's effect).

Keep the faith - this too shall pass - or something

"I'm not your friend anymore" is a common phrase in out house to - but thats just me to DP!!

Yes you are right, there are lots of changes going on for them, language development and i guess just testing the water to see how far they can push. She has been quite good today, which is a relief because its tax return time and im mighty stressed.

Its a phase, its a phase its a phase - i just would like to know how to be consistent

I too have a 3 yr old (what fun!!!) She is going through a nsatching from her (younger) sister, pushing and hoarding toys phase.

With regard to the crocodile tears, I'm fairly brutal if I see them coming, X if you think this is somethinmg to cry about you can go to another room and cry there.... I might get a couple of sobs but the overall effect i usually ruined before she's started.

We also went through a phase where her behaviour was dreadful (coincided with the increase of hours at pre-school) and I told her whilst I loved her I did not like her behaviour, so I get I love you mummy but I don't like .... tbh your dd knows she'll get a response which is wy she pushes your buttons.

With regard to her stopping DP and yourself talking I don't think she should be allowed to continue that, maybe try hand on arm to speak to you if she wishes to join in the conversation, or time out if she is really rude,

Just my thoughts, they are a nightmare with the want it NOW!!!!! attitude but slowly (oh so slowly) dd is learning but god it's painfully slow!!! GOOD LUCK

Message withdrawn

Sorry, thread hijak - LEM, what was the programme? Might it be repeated? You know I heart rotties too

oh god lucyellensmum you've brought the memories flooding back...the endless, mind-numbing roleplay in which mummy is required to be a psychic and anticipate the next step constantly, otherwise beware NIGHTMAREISH meltdown...the hellish crafts sessions always, but always ending in tears...three was my (and poor DD's) NEMESIS! it's been onwards and upwards ever since. she hated being 3! we all hated it! we loved saying goodbye to 3! (not that i feel strongly about this or anything ...or am remotely scarred ...)

I never understood why the 'terrible twos' were named as such after having a three year old.
Some good tools:
Ignore, distract, set limits and communicate them (ie you accept the feeling of anger but not being screamed at), give her choices with a smile (we can play this after lunch or not at all)be consistent(both of you) and most importnatly have a reliable and fine tasting wine for the end of each day!!

I have been because i always felt quite smug that she never did the "terrible twos" - she is up there now with DP, he is doing bed time or supposedly, but i can just hear her yelling - NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO through gritted teeth, this is my house, i chose it!!! I give up - im not going up there, oh no sirrreeeee (im too scared!).

FFF, it was the dog whisperer on ITV3 i think, its on every evening at the moment i bet they repeat but not sure when the rottie will be back - i actually didn't manage to catch any of it she yelled so much !

Oh you're not alone!! DD1 just the same and I also feel like maybe I've got it all wrong after all! Have always given her lots of attention and stimulation - thougth I was being a good parent and giving her love and time and now she's turned into a brat! TO be fair most of the time she is still lovely but about once a day she'll have a meltdown just like you describe and usually in front of someone else and I'm just so embarassed - I'm sure they must think I'm a rubbish parent. DD2 is 3 months old and thought it was her arrival that had triggered her off but lots of other mums at preschool have said their dcs are the same so hopefully they're right, it's just a phase, and we're not rubbish parents after all. My all time worst one was DD screaming at me because apparently I didn't park on the right level of the multistorey at soft play even though I had parked on the same level I park on every time we've been there for the last two years!

Oh GOD the role play.

Now Mummy you say this, and I'll say that, and then you have to close your eyes and say this like it's just how I wanted it said, and then I'll walk over to you, and you say this.........

By which time any other 3 year old would have wandered off to play with someone else.

I hear Ya!! Think 1st borns or those who are lavished with positive adult attention [could be a family of 6] do struggle with these bossy boots. Mine hit at 4 having never had a tantrum etc [could be LucyEllensmummy in fact].

Pre school tell me it's hormones, the gem of a leader there says girls try to organise everyone and everything whilst multitasking and boys try to jump out of windows. Hormonal programming!

Oh that we had kept them in sensory deprivation!

could be a family of 6 - as in not an only child or 1st born exclusive, just maybe more likely with certain parenting styles. I.E. MINE!! Shucks.