I think I expect too much from my baby :(

[dontbitemytoes]

dd is 16months old and very demanding bright . I work 3 days per week to keep my sanity and absolutely love the time we spend together.

However, i feel that I am becoming increasingly hard on her, and am becoming the kind of person I don't want to be.

For example, we go to take the dog for a walk, dd starts off in pushchair, but quickly decides she wants to walk, all the way there, and all the way back - about 2 miles at a guess. So we get home and she runs to the front door and holds her hand out for me to help her up the step. As soon as she holds on to my hand she takes all feet off the floor and hangs on to me. Now I know she is just playing and is probably tired, but i am trying to get her, the dog and the pushchair in the house and I end up saying in a firm voice "put your feet on the floor please dd and walk properly" , or when she is playing shouting to her "if you want your dinner dd you'd better shut that cupboard door and come and sit down please"

i realise in the great scheme of things that this is not bad, and I'm just being firm, but I feel so awful expecting so much from her (she usually complies btw) can anyone offer me some perspective on this? Sould i be allowing her to play and mess around, or is it ok to expect some conformity for certain things?

TIA

MP, I get your point about being yourself, but what I'm suggesting is being a better version of oneself! We all slip into bad habits and we can all do with betterment. Since you mentioned 'books' I must stress here that almost all of my advice above comes from the heart, not books - though what's wrong with books? There's always a someone who's written every book, why should their advice be less acceptable if offered in book form rather than in person?

However, the book I recommended is a brilliant, simple way of becoming a better 'you' without tying oneself up in knots. You try out different ways of being you (e.g. 'are you usually an introvert? try speaking making your views heard just for today') and at the end of it you have a broad idea of what habits you've fallen into which are having a negative impact, and an expansive view of what you can be (plus a little weight loss without even trying - no bad thing for many of us). I'm following it for the second time around to make sure that I don't slip back into the old habits which I was delighted to get rid of last year.

I think there is a difference between scooping a sleeping baby who will stay asleep when transferred and wake up happy to their pushchair to go out for coffee, and feeling that you have to be on time because that is the plan, even though child in question will wake up and be cranky on being transferred.

Also that my example about sitting at the table was that I pick my battles - I don't expect perfect sitting whilst waiting for food, but I do whilst eating - it's win win if you don't make unreasonable demands that the child can't meet

I agree, cmot - and sadly the friend of mine who mentioned did the latter.

I don't think that it is REMOTELY sad to wake a sleeping child in order to meet your social commitments! What's the alternative, ringing your friend, who is sitting at the cafe, and saying 'oooh sorry, can't make it, baby's still asleep?' That's a sure way of losing all your friends at the time of life when you need them more than anything.

If you put your baby before your social life for the next 18 years, and have a life that revolves entirely around your children, then you will end up looking at the 40 years of your remaining life with no friends, no and support network. Which will leave you extremely socially isolated, with children who resent you because the only thing you have left in your life are the weekly obligatory phone calls and snippets of news they deign to offer you.

Life with children is a temporary phase - yes, enjoy it, and make the most of it, and be thankful for every day - but don't sacrifice your friendships and relationships because of it!

Ohh Groucho - anally retentive indeed! It's the book Parentline use. It's less about parenting and more about developing an awareness of good comunicatiuon skills, that help in all your relationships. I used to have terrible communication skills and zero self awareness. I got this book long after my 'recovery' () more for Dp to read, but I was impressed by the way it communicates very simple and easy ideas about the importance of listening in developing empathy. These are skills that we do often lose sight of under chronic stress, like just after having a baby, etc. It's probably why so many marraiges break up in that period.

Just an addendum - I dont think you can really change your personality after a certain age. You can play to its strenghts and against its weaknesses by having a degree of self-awareness and of triggers etc. But you can't erase them.

MP, you're wildly exaggerating what I've said! Firstly, there's a world of difference between letting a 6-month-old baby sleep and kow-towing to your teenager's every whim. On this conversation we are talking specifically about very young children, so it's irrelevant to extend the principle to a child's entire lifespan. Let's not forget, also, that babies need sleep for very good physiological reasons and so getting into the habit of waking them (as this friend of mine did) really isn't ideal for the baby.

Secondly, the woman who I mentioned earlier, who would wake her baby for cafe meet-ups, lived just a few minutes' walk from said cafe - as did we all. Therefore if she'd rung us even 20 mins before the meeting time to say she'd be x minutes late, the chances are we'd all still be at home - this is nothing like the situation that you imagined.

I agree that we need our friends more than ever at this time of life, and that we have to cherish and nurture those friendships. At the same time as we need our friends, our children need us at least as much - if not more - and especially when they're very young. It's a bit like trying to balance work life with family life - you can never hit that happy medium but you struggle on, do your best and hope that people are understanding when you make mistakes.

I find again and again that my 2-year-old DS thrives when I take things at his pace, and he suffers and becomes difficult to handle when I don't (btw to give you some context he is, by nature, a chilled-out kid). At this age taking things at a slower pace is a psychological necessity - but also a physiological one. That's why, for instance, TV programmes for tots must be paced very slowly - fast-paced shows have been shown to have a disruptive effect on brain development by hyper-stimulating toddlers.

This is not to say by any means that if you ever rush your child you're in danger of turning them into a hyperactive criminal - of course we all find that there are times when you have to rush them to get out of the house. But if that happens all the time then I think parents need to redress the way they're approaching things and see whether they can find a solution that works better. I did also write in an earlier post that the OP should not feel that she can no longer set boundaries or expect certain things of her child, so you shouldn't assume that I'm advocating a laissez-faire approach to parenting. God, no! I am saying, simply, that when they're little they need us to be more sensitive to their pace.

Monkey - this is just a very short reply as I really have to work!

Re 'changing personality' - I agree. I don't think anyone should expect to change their personality. But some people are very reluctant to do what you did and challenge themselves to do things differently.

It's a bit like losing weight vs swapping your entire body - when you lose weight (as I am trying to do!) it's about looking like a better version of yourself. When you challenge yourself to 'do life' differently, as you yourself found, it's about being a better version of yourself.

This week I learned that I can be SO MUCH MORE productive if I do things a little faster. I'm normally pretty relaxed by nature, so I now am learning to have the best of both worlds - driven and productive when I need to be, and then chilled-out and enjoying my spare time (on the rare occasions when I actually have spare time!).