what the hell do i do for the best for my unborn baby?

[lifesaboxochoccies]

I have found myself in the worst situation i could imagine, i was with my partner for 4 months and am now 10 and a half weeks pregnant. It wasnt planned and at first we were both very happy about it then on new year i got a text out of the blue saying that he didnt want to be with me anymore. I dont know what i did wrong but i think it has something to do with the fact that he is allready now in a relationship and has been for a week or so with somebody else. Well we agreed to stay on friendly terms for the babys sake but scince then i have had nasty texts, prank phone calls which i know are from him, and he has even told me at one point to get rid of the baby. He is supposed to be a 24 year old man i wouldve thought hed have a bit more maturity! scince splitting from him i have been told by him allot of things that make him seem like a very unfit father and the way he has spoken around my son is disgusting. I dont want to stop him from seeing his child but then i dont want him near me or my son or my house. How on earth can i sort all this out being reasonable? I want this baby very much i am just very unhappy about the situation of me and ex. And does he have any right to have the baby overnight right away because i dont want my newborn baby away from me overnight firstly because i dont think its right for a small baby to be away from mum overnight and secondly i will be breastfeeding and that wont be possible if the babys away from me. I am getting so stressed and upset by all this i just dont know what to do, does he have to be involved with me during the pregnancy either?

You are 10 weeks pg, in 6 months the situation with your ex will be a lot lcearer and you will be able to make stronger decisions based on the info you have garnered over that time.

No he can't take the baby overnight immediately if you are BF- your right to BF is enshrined in human rights legislation.

it is up to you how much you are involved- clearly the courts can set minimum rules on how much access he gets to baby but you need never speak to him directly again if thats what you want: texts and emails can be a wondrous thing as can helpful grandparents / friends.

Welcome to MN, congrats on your PG and stick around. there's a great lone aprents section here, just dig in.

Don't panic!

First you need to keep a diary of all the nasty texts, phone calls. Get a little notebook and just keep track.

You may find that now he's with someone else, he won't be interested in the pregnancy/baby.

Some people find that supervised contact in a contact centre works for them. I know of someone who has a 3 month old baby who is breast fed, and the baby sees the father for an hour a week in the contact centre.

Yes, keep track of the nasty calls etc but don't respond to them. Don't make any attempt to contact him, put him out of your mind and enjoy your pregnancy.
Once the baby is born you can contact him (perhaps via someone else like your mum/dad) to let him know, but there is no need to rush into letting him see the baby and no way a judge would award unsupervised access straight away to a bloke who has been harassing his XP and offered no financial support - and TBH it's not that likely he will bother taking you to court for contact, but is just threatening it to upset you.

Loads of stuff out there on breastfeeding and visitation, just google (making sure you specify country you live in as it would appear there are a few high profile cases in USA at the moment)

A tip: make contact with a breastfeeding support group before baby is born- a great way to make friends, if you need a hand its always nicer from someone you already know and best of all if you do need to take this higher you will have a veritable machine of support in place: I can suggest looking at the La Leche league, association of breastfeeding mothers, national childbirth trust as first points of call, your midwife will know what there is locally as well (some groups are stronger in some areas than others but generally there is something in most palces now)

i have been with mumsnet now for about a month think its great but things have just changed so much in this last month, I am already a single parent to ds 2.9 and i never wanted it to be the same with another child but its even worse this time. Its not just him though as i live very closeby to his mum and she seems just like him (not a very nice person) and things are just going to be so awkward if he starts any trouble which i strongly feel he will. How old will the baby be when he can legally have overnight access or do i have the right to keep it to daytime access only? i am not doing it to spite him in any way i think thats wrong but what he has told me about his overnight access with his other children i dont want my child with him overnight.

No, he doesn't have the right to have the baby over night -- so don't worry about that. I think he would have to have his name on the birth certificate before he had any rights.

What has he said about wanting contact?

It sounds as if he is causing you a lot of stress which you don't need and in your position I would cut him out, at least until he shows that he can behave like a responsible adult. It is shocking that he is harassing you because he can't get his own way - he sounds like a spoiled child.

My situation is not the same but similar in that my baby's father is a waste of space has problems. He left the UK in September and is a drug addict. When I told him I was pregnant he couldn't cope with the news. When he moved away he kept in contact with me (never mentioned the baby), while asking his friend what I had done about the baby. He thinks he is too young to cope with the reality that he has a child and is sulking about it - which I find funny and ironic because he lied to me about his age for the entire time that I was with him.

Anyway, my point in all this is that I have decided not to talk to him any more at least for the time being because he clearly does not care about me at all and has never once even asked if I am ok. I have to accept responsibilty for the situation - I was quite unwell when I met him. I imagine he also has mental health issues which is why I ended up in a relationship with him that was obsessive, compulsive and unhealthy. I am now concentrating on the baby and my daughters and feel that keeping him in the picture will not be any good for me or my family.

If you are not married he has no rights over the baby at all - unless he is named on the birth certificate. You do not have to allow him to be named as the father on the certificate but if you do want him to be he has to turn up to the registry office on the day.

As for overnight access, I think you could argue to that this is not suitable for a very small baby but after that he could go to court to seek this - if he is named as the father.

I now dont know whether or not to put his name down on the birth certificate as i feel it is a childs right for both parents to be named on the birth certificate but if it means i will be able to do what is best for my child then maybe i shouldnt? i really dont know what route he will take as far as access is concerned as he has 2 girls by one mother that he went to court for to gain access (and now he has access he is totally irresponsible with those children) yet he also has a little boy with another mother who he just doesnt bother with said it was too much hassle.

DOn't put his name on the birth certificate. IN fact, put him right out of your mind. He's an irrelevance now. It will be up to him to show himself fit to be involved in your child's life once he/she is born, and if he carries on being an arse, there is no need to have anything to do with him (he is very unlikely to pursue you legally for access by the sound of it if he already has children he doesn't bother with).

I agree with solidgold.