6yo DD screams at bed time - help needed.

[Flopsy2]

This is my first message on mumsnet.We have 1 6yo who has never been good at going to bed. Did all the Contented Baby stuff, blackouts, closed doors etc. Think have mentally scared her! Now needs night light, landing light, door open. She gets anxious as bed times arrives. Asks loads of daft questions eg.is the heating on? Are the windows closed?What time are you coming to bed? What do I do if I'm hot. These go on & on for ages. If I refuse to answers it goes into to full toddler tamtrum, except she's 6. Grandparents can not believe the normally behaved girl can be so difficuly at bed times.Everynight. Am at wits end now & do not know who to approach. Have done sticker charts, rewards, confiscations, controlled crying when younger, nothng makes any difference. Any idea out there.

Start afresh.

Can you spend a really close time with her before bath and bed and talk to her about her day, how she feels, see how she is. It might have become habit and she can't even remember herself why she started feeling worried at bedtime.

Maybe ask her what she thinks she should do if she is too hot, etc.

Thnak you for your help.When we talk to her at anyother time about this, she fully understands. Last night she stood screaming on the landing "Is the landing light on?", this morning I asked her could she see that the light was on, which she could. So why was she asking this? She had no idea. as you say, I think it is habit. She goes to bed, has bath, story etc, then cries.

omg this must be so difficult for you
have you got her a nightlight?
she could have one right by her bed
or a torch
let her read til she is ready to go to sleep and let her leave the light on
perhaps let her have the radio on that she can fall asleep to - doesnt have to be music - pick a talk station
you can turn it off when you go to bed and she is asleep
have you cuddled into her in her bed? (you probably have tried this already)

Have you asked her what she thinks would help to make her feel better?
What does she say?

She comes out with such rubbish its difficult to understand the main cause. She does sometimes say she doesn't like to be on her own. I get to sleep with daddy, why does she have to go to bed alone?

My dd gets anxiety attacks at bedtime. She is 12. To be fair to her, she has some quite difficult other problems in her life and copes magnificently in the daytime; it's when her brain starts relaxing in the evening that she can't control her anxiety.

I let her sleep with the lights on- she always has, when she was younger I cuddled her to sleep, and I still will if she has a really bad time- I'll lie down with a book and she can go to sleep against my back.

Thank you Nailpolish, as you say, done all these. She has night light & torch & bedside light!!Knows that she can read after I've gone downstairs.Sometimes stay with her till nearly asleep, then as soon as I'm at bottom of stairs, starts with questions, will you wake me up? what chair are you sitting in? tell me if you go in the kitchen. if I answer, it goes on & on, if I try to ignore, she screams.

i would be so tempted to just go to bed with her

Hi Cory, relived to know I'm not the only one. But my dd. has no reason to be anxious. Is your dd OK if she wakes in the night & then your not there? Would try this but think could lead to problem later in the night, after she has been to sleep.

If dd wants to come in with us in the middle of the night, then she can. I grew up in Sweden where it is quite normal for children to want to do this until they are maybe 8 or 9. Dd is later, but that I accept is to do with her special problems.

A lot of the time, the mere assurance that she can come to find us should she need it is enough to help her to go to sleep on her own.

I was allowed to come into my parents' bed when I wanted. I may have been about 7 when I decided that my mother's snoring was more unbearable than the ghosts and skeletons lurking in the wardrobe.

oh and about sex- my experience is that once a child has got off to deep sleep, it will be a few hours before they wake again with nightmares, so plenty of time to get a private life over

Thanks Cory, might give this a go, not sure what husband will think though! But if it stops screaming, worth a try.

ds1 has anxiety about bed time at times, not as bad as your dd sounds though. I would be tempted to speak to GP and see if there are any referrals he could make for sleep training places (vague I know, maybe there are none but you never know).

Otherwise, relax and go with the flow as much as possible to keep her relaxed about the idea of sleep and bedtime.
I let ds1 go in our bed to go to sleep when he is like this. We stay downstairs and move him back to his bed when we go to bed or let him stay in with us, depending. he has stories he listens to at bedtime. I got him a wind up torch so he can read in bed rather than go to sleep if he prefers. we also have a light up fishtank we turn on at night which he likes. and a cat on the bed

our house rule is that at 8pm ish it is adult time downstairs. we go thro the bedtime routine but it is then up to him if he goes to sleep or chooses to read/play for a while. that seems to suit us. (no TV or computer in room though!)

Thanks to everyone who helped. Just thought would let you know, last night, kept it quiet & relaxed, but told her if she made a big fuss could not go to Rainbows. Guess what, loads of questions as usual, but no screaming tamtrum! Makes me wonder who's in control! So, she's going to Rainbows tonight, will be interesting to see how bedtimes goes later.

sounds promising!! fingers crossed