DS Still petrified of being left at bedtime - 6 months on, do I continue to sit with him?

[Ilovecurry]

I have to sit until he has gone to sleep, weve spoken about it and he says he is scared of shadows and monsters.

Ive explained that they are not real ec.. but he is really scared. He comes into our bed everynight IVe tried putting him back but he is genuinely frightened. I shouldnt force it should I? He is just 4 years

I would sit with him - but I am very soft about this sort of thing. I work on the principle that it's only a very short bit of life I'm going to spend sitting holding their hands when they go to sleep - and when I'm 90 and looking back over my life I'm not going to think "I wish I'd spent less time gazing at my children's faces as they went to sleep!"

I think the more you force it, the more scared he'll be.

DS1 used to be very scared - we just got used to lying with him untill he was asleep every night. Now he's 10 he's grown out of it.

I'm also pretty soft but after 6 mths, I think I'd probably try and see if there was anything I could do to lessen the fears. Can you talk to him (ideally in the daytime, in a calm moment) about what might help him feel less afraid? DS put in place a complex ritual at about 4 to scare off the 'scary lady' who frightened him at bed time...

We had a rabbit to scare away monsters when DS1 went through this stage (around 4th birthday). It worked really well. He still needed (and needs) someone to lie with him while he goes to sleep but he sleeps quickly and without fear.

Hmmm, difficult. My DS sometimes gets scared and he's 6 now. But it's not every night and I can leave him to go to sleep on his own.

First, I think I would use humour - laugh at the silly old shadows, etc. You've probably tried this. What about distracting him with quiet music? A night light?

I'd want to get to a stage where he could go to sleep alone, but I've never been one for leaving a child when they need you. Can you start by leaving him alone for very short periods (1 minute) and gradually increase the time away.

It seems he's got into the habit of 'being scared' at bedtime.

It it's any consolation, when my DS was about 4 he went through a terrible stage of being upset about and obsessed with death. He talked about it all the time, including every bedtime. It took a good two or three months, but it was a phase and it passed.

Have just managed to bribe ds back into his room (nearly 4) after a year spent in dds (5) bed. She was getting fed up with him.

Had 2 or 3 really bad nights now he is completely over it and likes to think he is a big boy. Bribed it a spiderman go and glow torch nightlight and a dora tent on a star chart.

Good luck - he might be scared but he has got an awful lot of attention from you over all those months.

Someone on here a while back recommended getting down to the same level as your DC in a low light and looking round to see if you can find anything specific that's casting scary shadows etc (ie dressing gown hanging on back of door).

My DD is 4.4 and would never stay in bed unless she was asleep when I left her, but have discovered Winnie the Pooh story CD's keep her happy until she drops off these days. That said we have a fairly foolproof method for lulling her to sleep which takes about 5 mins and ensures me and DH a peaceful evening, so we usually have her asleep before coming downstairs anyway.

I stumbled on a good test - say you will absolutely stay, but just need to nip to the loo. If he freaks at the very idea, he's genuinely scared, but if he's fine and lets you go then he's probably half scared, but equally it's half habit.
I did a deal with DS that I'd sit in the doorway so I could read. Most times though before I get there I do try the 'I've just got to do x, then I'll come'. If I'm lucky he's asleep by the time I get back.
Other alternative is to give him an audio book on low volume - has to be one they're familiar with, otherwise he'll get too into it to sleep.

I would sit with him- nothing worse than being little and frightened. But you might want to go on a monster-vanquishing course like I did (honest! ) I learned to spray the room against monsters (shake n'vac!) once a week, and we "painted" round the window with anti-monster paint (which is invisible and odourless to us, of course) so they can't get in. As it is I have a bit of a reputation as one scary mummy among the monster fraternity, so they wouldn't DARE hurt my kids!

I don't like to rubbish my kids fears by saying they don't exist. There ARE scary things in life ("monsters"), but there is always a way of dealing with them, is the way I prefer to see it. Your ds might even have some ideas of his own, which might help him to feel more confident.

Has he watched Monsters Inc?? No seriously - DS used to be scsred of shadows etc, but that film helped a lot because the monsters are actually scared of the children - just one touch from a child makes them go away.

DS is scared of the Monsters in Monsters Inc even though they're so cuddly..

I agree with seeker. He's only litle and it's only for a very small part of your life that you're offering this huge comfort to him. He may not need you in thsi way for long and you might miss it.
Different age here, but my DS is nearly 21 months and recently seems terrifed of being on his own at night. he screams when we put him down and screams at intervals during the night.
The last two nights I have laid on the bed in his room with him and we have had quiet time "chatting" and putting his big Dumbo toy to bed.
Okay, last night, he cried when I put him into his cot but it was only for about 5 mins.
I must admit, I love this quiet time, just the two of us. I wish I'd done it before. He gets over-excited by books at night and is not really that interested so this time is in lieu of a bedtime story. And TBD, I prefer the closeness.

Wise words seeker. My DD used to climb into my bed at about 4.00am every morning, pick up my arm and wrap it around her, then go back to sleep. Sometimes it disturbed me and I felt a bit annoyed but I'd love her to be doing that now .

thanks for all your advice....the overall majority seems to say "go with it" but try and banish the "monsters/shadows" etc...

The toilet trick - well I can do that but after a few minutes its "Mummy where are you" and panic sets in.

I dont mind too much like tonight as he settled fairly quickly but last night for instance he was messing around and took 45 mins to finally go to sleep.