London Residents - what are your thoughts about how/when it is safe/sensible to allow your dc to go somewhere unescorted/independently?

[Earlybird]

I recognise that I have tendencies toward over-protecting dd. But, I wonder when/how I will start to allow dd out of the house on her own or with friends.

Where to begin?

Or are we destined to have dc who have never been anywhere alone until they're ....oh, 16 or so?

From about the age of ten I would allow them to go to the corner shop on their own (obv you may not have one nearby). I would then encourage them to go to nearby friends' houses on their own. When they start secondary school they should be able to go by themselves if it's not too far/public transport is accessible.

11yo and going to secondary school is always a good time to start thinking
but school journeys where there is a definite end point and people will follow up if they don;t arrive are different from just pootling about with friends

DD is 9, nearly 10. She has just started going to the shop on her own, it's along the same road but she has to cross a side road to get there. She also walks up the road to Maureenmlove's house which is a couple of minutes walk away but I cross her over the main road first.

She is angling to walk to school on her own but there are two busy roads to cross and my heartstrings aren't ready yet - I will let her soon as one road has a lollipop lady and a zebra crossing so she'll be ok on that one and I'll cross her over the other one first, as there is no crossing point.

Hard isn't it?

dd1 (8) has not been out without me yet. I know that if she had to, she would be capable of walking to school on her own, but I will not let her. It is a 15 minute walk, with several roads to cross. I feel very confused about what is the best thing to do. She will be just 11 when she goes to secondary school, because of her August birthday. I do not want her to have to go to senior school on her own, having no experience of going out without me. Yet it is hard to know when to do it, isn't it.

I often hear of people on Mumsnet saying their 8 year olds play out on their own, and then you find out they live in a cul-de-sac in Dorset. In my area, no young children play out in the street without their parents. It is only teenagers that you see unaccompanied.

To qualify, dd1 will have to go to secondary school on her own, because I have a younger dd who will need to be taken to primary school in the opposite direction. I would prefer dd1 to already have the skills to cope with roads when she goes. Of course I will let her out on her own at 11. She is looking forward to getting a mobile phone for her 11th birthday!

Mad, do lots of practice on the school route in the summer hols
with you
with you walking 10m behind her pretending you don;t know her
with you setting off 5min after her an dmeeting her as she comes back
etc etc - you get the picture

oooo this will be a v interesting thread early.

I think 11 too... and 10 to corner shop of not crossing any hugely busy roads...

We're in a supposedly rough part of London but lots of the kids on our lovely road play out or zip between houses. We haven't got into that as DS is still only 4, but he has got friends on the road so am guessing he'll want to in the future. Am not sure how I feel about it, but I like the idea of a road that looks out for one another and allows them a bit of independence. It's what we used to do as inner city kids, so why shouldn't our kids too.
Quite often here you see people sitting on their front steps so the kids can run up and down and still have an adult's eye on them. Will probably go for that option when he's a bit bigger.

We're not in London atm, but could possibly be returning, and of course, I imagine what it would be like now that dd is older and how things should progress as she grows up.

I've thought of starting by letting dd be 'in charge' when we go anywhere - she looks and says when it is clear to cross the road, she takes the lead going over a zebra crossing, she watches for the 'green man' on traffic lights, or ask 'how do we get home from here?' and see if she can direct us (especially if we're a bit 'off route').

Atm however, I can't imagine letting her out of my sight but know we must somehow 'start small' and gradually build confidence, independence and vigilance.

how old is dd earlybird?

My ds .... age 9 to local shop. Age 10/11 to local driving range or putting green ... now aged 12 on the bus into town on a saturday, local skate park, cinema on bus with friends. Only in daylight hours, otherwise I collect.

sophable - dd will be 8 next month, and is quite mature/sensible, but sheltered. Iirc, don't you have a dd around the same age?

Fwiw, atm we live in the suburbs in America. Recently, dd and a pal scootered out of my sight to an agreed destination (with my permission) - a cul-de-sac accessible via a quiet road, so no traffic concerns. I couldn't stand it after 10 minutes and had to go find them. That incident is what got me started thinking about this - when will I feel comfortable letting her explore around on her own? And where/how do I start trusting that it is OK for her to have some independence?

early i have one ds aged 5. he is mature, but not that mature!!!!

i'm so disturbed by how the radius of how far children go away from their parents has shrunk from about 5 miles in the 70s to about 5m today (might be a bit exaggerational but not actually all that much tbh). i hope that by the top year of primary ds will be walking to school (it is a 10 minute walk crossing no major roads). but i'm not sure i'll have the guts!

why did i think you lived near me?

Hi Sophable - yes, there really is little scope for children to roam in this day and time, and it is a shame. They aren't even able to explore their own neighbourhoods or go to a local park on their own.

I lived in London zone 1 until about 15 months ago - that must be what you are thinking of?

I don't know the answer to this one - my children have always had a lot of freedom because I am a relaxed/stupid/irresponsible/confident (choose your adjective!)parent.

But PLEASE let them gain confidence alone before they go to secondary school. The transition is hard anyway, but, from my observation, even harder for the ones who haven't had the opportunity to gain a little self reliance.

We live in a fairly busy part of inner London, amd DD is in Y5.

We let her walk to / from school and other close-by clubs, etc, herself when she can easily cross the busier roads using a crossing. And only in daylight hours.

She is probably going to have to go miles on her own on a bus / train (maybe into central London!) to get to secondary school in 18mths time, and I think she needs to begin to get used to going out on her own.

Some time soon I will let her walk round to friends, etc on her own - where she has to cross lots of small roads with no crossings.

The Y7's that left her school last summer now look so confident and grown up going about the area - I want my DD to be like that too

I live in a fairly rough bit of London. Friends with older children seem to be slowly transitioning them to independence. A nearby 10-year-old is allowed to walk places on his own.

My DS1 is still only 7, so he's not going out on his own. I'm not sure when I'll let him do his school journey on his own - it's one London bus, nothing tricky (unless the bus breaks down or something?). I don't even think he has to cross any streets, on the way in anyway. But he will have a 3-years-younger brother with him soon. (And yes, I will let him do it on his own while still in primary - their school goes to year 8!)

My eldest is 10, nearly 11 and has been walking to school on his own at times since last year, when he was, erm, still 10. He has to cross two busy roads with zebra crossings and we're in Hackney.

I think it also depends on where you are and what other people do. Not in the peer pressure sense, but eg next year when he goes to secondary school I am hoping he goes in with a group of his friends. Also, the school runs here are pretty safe as a lot of people walk so if something goes wrong, there's always someone who can help nearby.

I'm gearing myself up for his first solo public transit trip... not sure when that will be or where he would go though!

Earlybird, when we're in the US the boys (I have a 7 year old too) are out and about on their own most of the day and have been for years. It really depends. I think if you need a check on what to do in your own situation, you should chat to your neighbours (the ones that you like) and see what they do.

Ds1 (now 8.5) has been going to the corner shop and walking back from school on his own (probably about once a week) for about a year. This only involves residential streets, no main roads and takes less than 5 mins. I wouldn't be so relaxed about him going much further afield or into busier areas. He has a friend who travels to and from school alone by bus (they're in year 4)but I wouldn't be brave enough for that yet.

dd also an August birthday (has just turned 8). We are in outer london (fairly safe but still v busy) and they have been playing out in the street (we live in a cul de sac) since they were about 4/5 (with limits like no going past a certain car towards the main road etc. only on the pavement as people still turn into the road at about 40mph grr). They used to have friends who lived at the bottom of the road (who have sadly moved) and they were in and out of each other's houses all weekend.

Dd is angling to go to the shops on her own now. I think if her friend on the road was still here, we would have let them go together by now as we live behind the high street so it's only about a 1 minute walk to get there.

I think the school sent out a letter saying they encourage children to walk to school on their own in year 6. I think this is when they have done some council safety certificate (which sounds namby pamby but is actually very very good - they do a bit each year, right from the infants and it's all age specific, I was very impressed by it) as there are some busy roads near us that they need to cross.

As Mrs Badger has advised, I am going to get my dd1 to walk to school on her own, with dd2 and I walking behind her when she reaches year 5. I already try to get her to decide on when it is safe to cross the road.

I think the children who struggle the most are those that are driven everywhere, and then suddenly have to go out in the world on their own in year 7. In London and other big cities, we are lucky because most of us have a primary school within a short walk of our home (although we do not all use our local schools).

My nephew (13) and neice (11) have never gone anywhere on their own as are driven everywhere by their parents. I think that's bizarre and quite worrying. Dare I say it (ducks in preparation), I think it's even a little bit cruel..