DD is going to nursery for the first time, and we're both finding it hard... any reassurance out there?

[designerbaby]

HI all,

DD (14 months) is having her nursery induction this week (every day, progressively longer each day...). She'll be in 3 days a week, 8.30 - 5.30 from Monday.

Finding it incredibly hard...

First day I was with her and all was fine. Second day I left her for an hour and she was crying when I went to pick her up... as she's not a very cry-y baby generally it was hearbreaking to see her little red eyes. She was being cuddled by one of the key workers and having her back rubbed, so I know they hadn't just left her to get on with being upset, but it was still so hard to see.

Yesterday she only cried at lunchtime, but didn't eat a thing. We've had feeding issues in the past so this preys on all my deepest fears for her.

As she's also a light sleeper I can't see much napping going on whie she's there, and she'll never eat when she's tired.

Today she's again had no lunch to speak of, and is refusing to sleep although they say she's clearly exhausted. They're trying to get her down for a nap again as I type. She's been crying on and off all morning too.

I'm just getting myself in knots imagining my little girl exhuasted and hungry all day sad. It's taking every ounce of willpower not to just jump in the car and go and get her.

God, this is awful...

Anyone got any reassurance? please??

db
xx

aww it will get easier. Both my dds screamed for about the first 2 months of nursery and I hated it. However now they run in gleefully and are quite happy there.

It's horrible isn't it? DS is 15 months and has been at nursery for about 3 months and was just starting to not mind so much when I dropped him off but since the Christmas break he's really started crying when I leave him. I know it doesn't last long but it breaks my heart to leave him when he's holding out his arms to me. sniff

It will get better once she gets used to it. I never thought that DS would sleep at nursery but he does. Not as long as he does at home but a decent nap each day.

He has a teddy that he takes to nursery each day. He's had it since birth but has only really got attached to it since starting nursery. I think it helps him to have something familiar with him when he sleeps. Maybe you could try something like that with your DD?

I'm sure it will get easier in time, everyone say so, it's just the thought of months of upset for the poor little mite just breaks my heart. She's such a sunny wee girl the rest of the time, I hate to think I'm jeopardising that.

She's fine when I drop her off - she starts crying an hour or so later when she realises I've not just popped out to get a cuppa...

Sent Gordon the Rabbit (don't ask) with her today - doesn't seem to be helping... .

The guilt is bloody awful... I left it as long as we could afford, and scoured North London for the best nursery we could find, but I don't feel any better .

I just want to bundle her up and take her away...

db
xx

Really feel for you as I went through the same when settling on my DD.
Only thing I can say is that your nursery staff seem very nice, so you can seek comfort from that. And, you will get to a stage when your DD will love the place.
Second what HensMum says about comfort toy (make sure you have a spare in case it;s lost though - my DD lost hers and it was a nightmare).

This WILL get easier.

It's very common, and if you spoke to other parents at the nursery they will tell you the same thing. She will get used to it, and then enjoy it. In a few months time you will be posting 'my baby prefers nursery to me - help!' because she trots in happily.

Another thing - most children go through a phase (or phases) of crying when they're left. This will last for a couple of minutes, and then they're fine. Sometimes not even a full minute.

Nursery nurses are well practiced in settling babies in - and bear in mind it's in their best interests to have happy children there, so they will do everything they can to make your dd happy.

eating at nursery seems to take a while. BOy took a week of full time before he would eat at lunch time, but he polished off snacks hapily, so didn;t starve.
Give her some breakfast and give her a sandwich when you get home and you'll feel better about her not going to bed hungrey.

Just to support others words. It really really will get easier. DD1 was always problematic to drop off but had a great time there and made some brilliant friends. She's now a very happy 6 year old. DD2 goes to the same nursery and really loves it. I think it was easier because she'd been going since birth to drop off and pick up big sis plus maybe just different temperament. My tip would be yes to comfort toy and big yes to speedy drop offs. The longer you hang around, the harder it is for everyone.

WRT sleeping and eating ... DD1 would only occasionally not nap or only have a very small one and would maybe only eat half her food, but DD2 will always have over an hour nap and eats everything. Both ate things there that they would never touch at home ... peer pressure etc!

The first day or so will be very hard for you but then you'll be amazed at how you cope, how you can actually have a coffee whenever you want, go to the loo on your own and finish a conversation. Quite nice in many ways. I work 3 days and I think it is the perfect compromise. Big hugs x

Oh bloody hell - she was distraught when I left this morning - which is the first time we've had that. And she's still refusing all meals, drinks, anything... the poor little thing must be SO hungry.

This is doing my head in, I'm beginning to think it's not worth going back to work, putting her through all this for the poxy amount of money I have left after paying for the sodding nursery...

She only slept for 20 minutes all day yesterday as well - came home exhausted and starving but too tired to eat properly.

Think maybe I need to reconsider our options...

db
xx

Have some very unMumsnet {{{{hugs}}}} db, that must have been horrible for you.

Don't know what to say really. DS's induction was really tough but he did settle in. But then eating was never a problem and he did sleep. I really don't know what I would do in your situation. Just wanted to offer some sympathy.

I'm supposed to be working, but instead I'm sat here MNing, sobbing and stressing... what's the point?

Oh, designerbaby, I really feel for you, it is so hard, but it will get better. You can give her lots of cuddles over the weekend and slowly and surely it will get easier. It's very early days and a big change for your dd - and for you.

It WILL get better. My ds was sobbed, screamed, clung to my legs, etc every time I tried to leave him at nursery and I could tell he'd been crying when I went to pick him up.

After a few months he was still doing it in the morning and I mentioned to his key worker who told me when I left to close the door and go into the kitchen which had a serving hatch overlooking his part of the nursery. As soon as the doors closed ds stopped crying and ran off to play with his friends!

After a while the crying in the mornings stopped too.

Don't know if the nursery has spoke with you about it but the best way to handle things is just to give dd a kiss and leave, with no mollycoddling (harsh as it sounds) and don't say things like "i'll be back in a moment" because when they realise you won't they'll get upset all over again.

As tattycoram said, its early days. Soon she'll be having a fab time with all her little pals and you'll be asking what you were so worried about.

I am sorry this is so hard for you. Not only will it get easier, very soon, but your LO will LOVE it at nursery. She will get so much from it socialising with other children, you will see the differences in her development in no time.

DD was ok when we first put her in nursery one day a week at 8 months, then went through a crying stage which broke my heart, I would sit at work sobbing with colleagues telling me not to phone the nursery, but this only lasted a couple of weeks.

She has the odd day when she does not want to go. And I always cal the nursery about an hour after, and they take the phone to near where she is and I can hear her squealing with delight about something, or talking to children. More often than not, she runs off now for a cuddle with a carer or to play with some toys and barely has time to stop and say goodbye. Yesterday, she was a little unwell so DH kept her off and she was actually upset as she had been asking to see 'her' children all morning (she does afternoons on thurs).

I agree with the no stopping to feed into the upset, but do not sneak out either. Give her a kiss and a cuddle, tell her you love her and then leave. I say to my DD 'I will see you this evening princess' or daddy wil l come and get you this evening' and then go, no matter how upset she is. It is very hard, but its harder when she clings to you and you do not go. It drags it out for both of you.

Good luck, it wont be long before she stops being upset but for now a really big un-acceptable

Thanks for the hugs though HenMum - I'm in such a state I've even forgotten how to be polite.

Think I'm going to go a little early to collect her this evening. I'm supposed to go after she's had tea at 5pm, but they've said I can go at 4.30 and see if i manage to get her to eat and then maybe they'll get an idea of what works. Then also if it's no dice I can take her home and feed her here.

Just spoken to DP who suggested that until she's settled and eating better he can collect her a wee bit early so we can give her tea at home, so even if she eats nothing at lunchtime, she'll only be missing one meal...

It's a stopgap measure I gues and we can take it from there.

db
xx

This will sound flippant, but it's true: in 2 months time when you drop her off and she runs away from you without so much as a backwards glance you'll be reminiscing about this week!!

We've all been there, and even though it mightn't seem like it now, you and she will both find it gets easier.

Designerbaby - that sounds like a good plan. There is no need to keep her there until exactly the time you have agreed if you feel it would help. As long as she is there for the most part, to settle and get to know the other children, a bit early should be fine.

DD is in on mondays 8-6, we do not always take her in at 8, if one of us is available to take her in a bit later, and if one of us finishes work earlier we get her earlier than 6pm (which to be honest is more like 5:30pm anyway). Sometimes, we get her at 3pm if we are out of work early, and go get a treat!

Thanks for all the support ladies... I've had some tea and some Ben&Jerry's and am feeling a bit less panicky and desperate. We'll just take it a week at a time and see how it goes, I guess.

I know babies apparently 'won't starve themselves' but DD came pretty close for a few months after weaning and dropped off the bottom of the centile charts. After a lot of patience and hard work she now eats anything and everything at home (allbeit with a lot of distraction techniques) and has gained weight consistently well. So a hunger strike at nursery just fuels my biggest fears, I guess...

She's just so little, I feel like I've abandoned her to fend for herself...

db
xx

Now please don't you ladies all flame me, I'm going to post a slightly different view. Designerbaby, from your posts, I think this actually doesn't apply to you at all, but just in case it does, this is what I needed to hear when I was settling a very upset child into nursery.

As it happened, I didn't find nursery was the right environment for my child. I had visited a few months prior to starting DS and had my doubts then, but everyone said the same thing, oh your child will love it etc. etc. All the things said on here which are undoubtedly true for the vast majority of children. However, in the back of my mind I really felt it would take too much emotional energy for DS to get to that point, and indeed the nursery manager suggested to me that it wasn't really working and DS would be happier with a childminder.

From what you've posted so far, I don't think you have these doubts but if you do, please don't feel trapped into staying at the nursery. It is incredibly hard to make a decision in advance, as nursery waiting lists force you to do. It's pretty horrendous to have to make alternative arrangements when you've just gone back to work but it is possible if it is necessary, so please don't feel trapped, if that's what you want to do.

I found a CM for DS within a week of being effectively told DS wasn't going to suit nursery (and being sooo relieved because I thought that too but didn't know what to do about it). DS settled far better for the CM. You or DH can also apply to take some parental leave (unpaid unfortunately) to make a change if you need to.

I hasten to add that is ONLY if you need to. If you're happy with the nursery and feel it will work out eventually, then you can ignore all of the above. Just please don't feel trapped if what you really want is to make a change. It's unbelievably inconvenient to make a last minute change, but can be done if necessary.

The only advice I can give is give it a fair chance but be prepared to make a change if she doesn't settle. Nursery isn't the best place for all kids BUT most go through a difficult settling in period very much as you're describing.

Can you send her with her own beaker and her own plate and some snacks from home she's familiar with. Just a thought but a bit of familiarity might help.

Keep talking to the nursery manager, they will have dealt with all this before - I know that doesnt help when its your baby

with my ds it was just the same.. he is my second child so I knew what to expect but it was still upsetting to leave himn screaming. He probably took n3 motnhs or so to settle and even now still cries but does settle within 10 mins or so (so they tell me). It is very hard and very upsetting but you lo will settle in time.

If this is making both you and your baby really unhappy, I wonder if it would be worth doing a completely random brainstorm with your Dh about what sorts of things you might be able to do either from home or with baby in tow in order to earn what you described as a "poxy" amount of money left after the nursery has been paid?

Or think about what the minimum amount of money is that you'd need to contribute to the household in order for you all to keep a roof over your heads and everyone fed and clothed, which might be even a bit less than the poxy amount?

Or maybe both you and your Dh going a bit part time (like, him working 4 days and you working 1?) so that one or other of you could look after your baby?

If the mama instinct is rebelling, then I think it's worth fighting as hard as one can to find ways to listen to the mama instinct. Some people's children settle happily into nursery, and the mama instincts can stay quiet. If your child isn't happy to be in nursery, then the mama instinct may well need taking seriously.