Husband addicted to online gaming

[LJayJay]

Not strictly a parenting issue, but there must be someone out there with similar experiences? My DH has been playing something called EverQuest 2 for almost 4 years now, to ridiculous extremes and to the extent it is affecting our relationship seriously. We have an almost 4 year old daughter and 6 week old baby boy. DH basically plays it whenever he can and this includes getting up at 4am, on weekdays, to carry out certain tasks and "raiding" every weekday evening and at the weekends until 2am, also during the day when he can get away with it. We don't spend any time together at all - every evening he comes in from work, does his "chores" as fast as humanly possibly then logs on for 7pm leaving me to put 2 screaming kids to bed by myself. The other night I asked him for over an hour to carry the baby upstairs for me so I could go to bed (I've had the flu) and there have been various incidents when our daughter has been ill etc and he's taken 2 hours to make it upstairs to help out. Any ideas anyone? I've suggested Relate but he just snorts derisively... Frankly I'm not sure how we even managed to conceive number 2!

He is addicted to it, evidently

What does he say when you voice your concerns over this issue?

Does he believe there is a problem, or does he see it as an acceptable pasttime?

This must be awful for you and I am sure in this day and age there must be help available. The difficulty with any addiction is getting the person to admit there may be a problem, and it seems as if your DH does not have any insight into the difficulties his behaviour is causing - or does he?

I agree, he is addicted. He is perfectly aware of how worried I am about the amount of time he spends on the game, but he is selfish enough not to change. I think thats the bottom line. I try and explain it by asking him how he'd feel if, every night, I turned my back on him ,strapped on headphones and talked with "the guys" for 5 hours at a time, ignoring him completely. This is essentially what he does. I am very familiar with the back of his head now. I hate losing out to a PC every time, it makes me feel utterly worthless except as a cook and provider of childcare which is really all I am now as we have no relationship to speak of. He no longer calls his family or his one friend from Uni, and doesn't have any friends locally. He just cannot seem to limit it to a couple of evenings a week, say. Too weak for that.

You could do what my dh sometimes threatens to do to ds which is put parental control onto the game. With world of warcraft, the parent puts a password into the system and then blocks out times when the child isn't allowed to play, so you could block off all but say 6 hours per week.

He's acting like a 12 year old, so treat him like one.

My husband is addicted to an online game called runescape and he's also a bit like this. though not quite to this extreme. I have been tempted to break the computer before now . I think the one thing that guilts dh out of it is when i start going on about it being a game for sad lonely teenagers who can't get laid! usually has some effect

omg, he does sound like he has it bad!

I can understand because me DH is really into his x-box (along with the head-phones and playing on-line). He plays it most nights, but only after the kids are in bed.

I think a serious chat is in order - you can't put up with that forever.

I get where you're coming from ,mumblechum, in fact I've started hiding the wireless internet receiver cable so he can't play it. Last year I got very desperate and with a neighbour's help, deleted the game from the PC. However, he just bought a new one instead. With a bigger graphics card, to make the game run faster!

To put parental control on, I'd need to know his passwords and he'd never tell me them. What irks me is that I want him to want to do something else, but he doesn't. When I do ask him not to go on it for an evening / hide the cable, he shuffles round the house like a lost soul then goes to bed at 9pm saying "got nuffing to do". Just like a 12 year old.

He says he;s letting down lots ofother people in his guild if he doesn't log on when agreed which really annoys me as he's quite happy to let me down.

I agree, I think you need a serious chat

And after you have explained how his behaviour is affecting you, try and discuss how you can set some limits around it

You wouldn't accept him being down the pub pissed every waking hour. This is no different.

If he begins to accept he may have a problem then he will be able to access help... an accredited addiction therapist would be able to support him

Dh gets adicted to most things, at the moment he does mach betting on the net, he makes money but not enough to cover the amount of time he's on the PC, he has been adicted to poker and horse racing and watching most sports on the TV, he has an x-box which is kept downstairs so i'm in control of when it gets played.

I have tried switching the pc off whilst he's sat on it (it didn't go down to well) .

I guess what I'm going to have to do is keep hiding the wireless receiver until he's wenaed off it. He used to be very obsessive with the x box games but with those at least once he'd finished the game ie got to the end that was that. With EverQuest there is no flipping end! I've heard its also known as EverCrack because its so addictive.

I don't think hiding it to wean him off is the answer

I think some real honesty is needed here

Don't rant on about how you dislike him playing on there... focus more on the consequences of him spending time on there. How it makes you feel. How it affects your relationship. How it impacts on family time. How it is affecting his social relationships with other people... the relationships with his children

Totally agree with Notnow. Hiding it stop him is not going to solve anything.

Speak to him. He is married with children FGS, he needs a reality check.

Its going to have to be a 'deal' though, as I doubt he is just going to go cold turkey if he is that keen on the game.

Trying to come off anything is tough - fags, booze, drugs etc and some seem strong enough to just give up all at once, and weather the withdrawal symptoms. Others need to cut down gradually to an acceptable level, and maybe that approach will be best for him?

I sympathize with you totally. My dh is the same except atm it's call of duty. It could be any game tho I hate it. He swears and shouts to other people via headset when he's playing aarrrgggghhh

No advice I'm afraid but let me know what happens!

That's what I meant about setting limits. Negotiate times when it is acceptable to you both for him to spend time on the computer

If he is unable to go along with this, or at least make an effort to, I think he's probably got a problem

I then think that if nothing changes following this, then you have to start looking at changing your behaviour... by this I mean setting limits around what you do for him within your relationship. For instance I would stop doing any laundry or cooking for him

You're all quite right - cold turkey is too hard, hiding the receiver is childish and doens't get us anywhere, I need to change my behaviour and he needs to grow up. All these things have come to a head over the last few days so let meupdate you!

Thurs night I hid the receiver then went to bed early so DH asked for it back and I gave it. At about 11.45pm as I was feeding and calming screaming colicky 7 week old, almost 4 year old daughter was having a screaming fit culminating in her running downstairs and standing next to DH crying, in her underwear, that she needed help as she was cold. So instead of helping her he ignored her and carried on playing, eventually I came down leaving the baby half way through his feed de-latched and very cross, shouted at him that this wasn't good enough etc and slammed the door. He came to bed half an hour later after which of course they were both asleep and all was calm. So, next day he thinks "touche" and takesd the receiver to work with him leaving me unable to do tax return online whilst 4 year old at pre school, as planned. I rang him at work and said this is stupid, you need to stop playing games likes this and stop playing your game as its taking over and I've had enough. Anyway, he barely spoke to me until Saturday afternoon, but he didn't play the game Friday night as he normally would, instead went to bed at 8.30pm. But we had a frank dissussion on Sat night, he claims he didn't realise how much it was affecting me and upsetting me, couldn't see what an impact it was having on us until I explained although I've said it a thousand times before over the last 2 years! We've agreed he will play Fri, Sat and Sun nights only, starting only once the kids are asleep NOT at 7pm because thats when "the guys" log on, and if there's a child related problem he must get off the game immediately and help. He reckons he can stick to this, we'll see. I hope so! thanks for your considered and helpful comments, will keep you posted on developments.

Glad things 'came to a head', as it were

Hopefully he can stick to those limits. Though I don't think buggering off to bed at 8.30pm is a fair compensation... try not to forget your relationship as a couple, too

Best of luck with it all. FWIW I think you've handled this very well considering you have a 4yr old and a newborn... I'd have lost the plot before now!

Keep us posted

Arrghhhhh! I had my doubts he could keep to 3 nights a week and was right. Since the last post he has stuck to 3 nights - swapping Sat for Weds last week as we had relatives staying the weekend. However, I know full well he was playing it when I was at a hospital appt on Fri and he was home looking after 8 week old, and also Sun morning at 7am he went downstairs with 4 yr old DD and as we had guests sleeping in lounge, took her into dining room where PC is to keep her out of their way. And as DD gushingly told me when I got up, "Daddy and me went on his game and I've got a character called Daisy the Fairy!" Then he;s also asked me twice this week during the evening when I'm getting ready for bed - "D'you mind if I go on my game for half an hour?" I've said no both times. Today he asked me if he could go on it tomorrow night as "I'd really like to do raiding 4 nights a week with the guys". AAAGGGGGHHHHHHH. When will he get it? We talked about splitting up tonight. If I knew I wouldn't let it come to that I'd be in tears right now. What the hell do I do? I try and explain how 4 nights out of 7 is too much, that "the guys" shouldn't have the bulk of his attention, that I want some too. He just mumbles a bit in response. He says it hurts when I talk about divorce, but I'm just trying to make him aware that we really have no relationship so we might as well be divorced, trying to make him see how bad things are. Any advice anyone?

Just re-read that last post - when I said no both times I meant no he couldn't go on it, not no I don't mind!

LJJ - here's a link to another MN thread which might give some more perspectives for you to think about. I think Mrs BD has some very valuable if harsh insights, albeit re a different addiction.

link