Maternal Guilt - do you experience it, how do you feel about it? am I odd not to have it or just lucky?

[lingle]

I'm interested as, unlike most of my friends, I don't really feel maternal guilt, although god knows I make as many parenting mistakes as the next parent and worry plenty.

so for instance I worked full time for a year when DS1 was between 6 and 18 months. I now wonder if that was the right thing for him - but I don't feel guilty.

I felt guilty for a few weeks when I realised DS2 had been parked in front of the tv instead of learning to speak and now has a serious language delay . But then I got way too busy with the speech therapy (and fear for the future) to bother with guilt any more.

So I'm wondering whether maternal guilt has nothing to do with making mistakes, and is more a personality thing? maybe I'm just arrogant. It surprises me how few people see guilt as something to get rid of. Also, I never hear about paternal guilt.

My mother expresses guilt rather over freely and inappropriately in order to keep attention on herself, so maybe it's my reaction to her....she's a bit extreme.

I don't know - to me maternal guilt is when I think of a particular incident and feel dreadful about how I handled it / wish I'd done something differently. It's only when I think of that particular thing and not something that drives me or is in my mind on a daily basis or anything.

So, for e.g. I may feel guilty about going back to work too soon and putting DD in to childcare too young BUT it's an episode whereby I maybe shouted at DD and completely over-reacted because I was tired or impatient that will make me cringe and feel 'that' guilt. It's the latter one that gets me in the heart. Rare and isolated occurences thankfully.

My Mother has a mega issue over selfishness and how "one should not be selfish" but actually she really is and goes on about not being for attention also.

Knowing my reaction to her I bet that is your issue.

Also guilt is often seen by people as the thing that checks or restrains them from doing somthing "bad" or whatever hence why the want to keep it - I think you do have guilt you are just practical and rather than feeling crap about something you deal with it find a solution and move on.

If thats the case then sounds pretty healthy to me!!

Personally if I had had similar situation with my ds then I would feel guilty until speech probs were put right, but I have guilt overdrive!! LOL!!

no i don't do guilt either
i think it's a waste of energy
if i think i have fucked up in some way i try to put it right
but that thing about feeling guilty for kids in nursery when working/having time alone of ding less than perfect parenting - nope, don't have it

Yep, I think you're right kitkat, it's a mum reaction thing rather than me being a bad or good person. This would explain why I have my full quota of anxiety, jealousy , and all the other not-very-appealing emotions but a big gap where other mothers put "guilt".

If my 44 year old brother hasn't called my mum within hours of returning from a trip abroad, I will get my mum on the phone in dramatic tears announcing his kidnap by Al Queda and saying things like "I just feel so guilty for letting him go...". He's 44. I think she was happier when he was 4 . She's like a toddler: seeks positive attention first; doesn't get it (didn't make an ideal marriage); so therefore prefers negative attention to being ignored. By expressing guilt about things that are not her responsibility or business she gets to keep the attention on herself.

An interesting topic. I don't feel guilty in the slightest about anything to do with motherhood! If I think I've handled the DCs wrongly, I regret it. If need be, I will tell them so; mostly, I just make a resolution to do better next time.

It's a shame that so many mothers feel guilty. Everyone makes their decisions about how to bring up their children/balance family and work and so on; once you've made your decisions, there is no point whatsoever feeling guilty about them. Even if you'd rather be a SAHM but you have no choice but to work, then it's nothing to feel guilty about: if you have no choice, you have no choice!

Guilt is a complete waste of time. Or maybe I"m so anxious that I've used up all my emotional energy

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I'm very envious - have spent my whole career as a mother crippled by guilt. I felt guilty when I worked FT, and now I feel guilty that I don't work. I feel guilty that 2 of my DCs are Dyspraxic. I feel guilty that I'm a much better mother now than I was when my DS1 was a baby.

And I can see how irrational this guilt is - I think guilt is just part and parcel of some people's make-up.

I think those positive sides of "guilt" people are describing - the ones that change your behaviour - are maybe better captured by "conscience".

Hassled - I was "crippled" too at various points in my life - by jealousy and anger in my case - so I feel sympathetic if not empathetic. If life goes wrong for me at some point, these horrible emotions will probably rear up again. Isn't it interesting that your guilt pursues you to the extent that you even feel guilty about doing well now?

I wonder if anyone manages to overcome these things?

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I think it is a personality thing. I struggled for years as a WOHM with my DCs in nursery/at CMs.

Then when DD started to become clingy and tearful ALOT aged 9, my guilt went in to overdrive. I convinced myself it was because of me working.

It took DH to make me realise that she was being a tiny bit manipulative as she knows tears tap right in to my guilt and I was spending hours trying to comfort her and make everything right.

Since I have tried hard to suppress my guilt, still give DD time but not spend hours pouring over things with her, she has actually become more laid back and alot happier. I think before, I was validating her feelings by talking them over and over.

Beore, she would get upset at bedtime almost every day and find a whole list of things that were worrying her. Now we have a 10 minute chat before bed and she seems to know that anything that is really worrying her can be sorted. I think alot of it is hormonal.

Since I have made this change, I also find myself feeling alot less guilty about working and realise I have wasted a lot of energy and tears in the past feeling guilty.

Sorry if it all sounded a bit psychoanalytical - I'm just glad I (or rather DH) discovered the pattern and managed to break it.

I do but with good reason, as am forgetful/slapdash about things so quite good at generating plenty of ammunition for myself

always aim to convert it into something helpful though, like a home cooked meal or a game of Scrabble or a riding lesson

Yep lingle, it all sounds so familiar!!

GRRR!!!

Drives me nuts!!!

LOL

KKQ x

You can have some of mine- I have a lot going spare!
The guilt is mainly about being WOHM and actually enjoying it not just financial necessity for me.
After a horrible w/e of all of us being ill/ DD whinging for Britain I caught myself feeling huge relief as I waved her off to CM swiftly followed by the guilt..

Yep, I have the guilt, BAD! All day every day. From the moment he wakes up I feel guilty if I'm having a shower and DH is giving him breakfast, when I drop him at the nursery till the second I collect him, I feel guilty that he has to spend an hour in the car on the commute home and that I can't play with him while I prepare dinner. I feel guilty if I put him to bed 10 mins before his bed time even if he can't stay awake a second longer, I feel guilty at the weekends if I'm cleaning the house and he wants to play. I feel guilty giving him treats and guilty when I don't.
And I am only the working mother of one... god forbid if I had another.

Of course, DH does not help. In fact he feeds it he is a complete perfectionist and obsessive about me being the perfect mother.

mamadoc, tjtheminx, this is the kind of horrible feeling that my friends describe. It's way beyond a useful feeling of being consciencious (I think I confused Pitchounette before because "conscious" and "conscience" look so similar written down). And people seem to feel it even when they change their behaviour (ie even when they give up work/go back to work). It's like the guilt is an animal with a life of its own and it needs "feeding". My poor mum is still "feeding" it even in her 70s, though since she had cancer she is now making an effort to control it for the first time as she realises she can't be in charge of the family for ever. But if it wasn't for the fact that the doctors congratulated her for finding her breast lump herself, no doubt she'd have felt guilty about the cancer too .

Things that don't help include a female "culture" of guilt. I distinctly recall two occasions when friends looked at me with the wide eyes and the "oh my goodness is it really ok to say that?" expression that you usually only see in kids - just because I thought their "confessions" of not always enjoying their time with their children were a mark of normality.

Yep, all the time. Constantly having to give myself a good talking to.

Nope. I enjoy having a break when I go to work, as my youngest is disabled and very hard work at times: if I did it permanently I would probably be a lot less cheerful. She also stays with her dad 3 nights most weeks, and I don't really miss her. I love her dearly, I know she's coming back, and I have had a chance to recharge and get stuff done which otherwise I couldn't.

I don't feel guilty for spending time as a couple with my partner- again, when i'm with the kids I am happy and relaxed (most of the time anyway, I am human), and we have a good laugh all together too.

One thing I could feel guilty about is trying to stay with my ex for too long, as it meant my eldest saw and heard a lot of tears and arguments. But to be honest, I amore relieved than anything that I did manage to make that leap in time, I hope, for her to see what a happy relationship looks like.

If guilt helps you to change things, that's fine. But helplessly stewing benefits nobody. I don't think I'm selfish, although some people might. As I see it though, the happier I am the more patience and love I have to go round, and I hope I'm giving my eldest the message that she is worth more than slogging on and treading on eggshells instead of getting on with making the most of her life. The little one can't notice things like that, it she definitely benefits from me feeling relaxed and affectionate in looking after her, rather than strung-out and resentful.

but she benefits, not it...sorry for a few typos there!

Nope, don't feel guilt. Also went back to work FT when eldest v. young. Got fed up of being asked if I felt guilty though and briefly felt guilty that I didn't feel guilty.

Life's too short.

I don't do guilt - either you acted to the best of your ability with good intentions & things didn't turn out right in which case guilt is really self pity OR you didn't in which case guilt is an excuse not to correct things.

Guilt is disempowering either way.

I don't feel guilty about the basic everyday things like going to work or wanting me-time.

I do feel guilty about a few bigger things, like forcing dd to push against her pain when she was younger because I wanted to please the doctors (who were totally ignorant in the event)- I know I did her harm and that at least some of that was because I was worried about losing my serlf-image of myself as a coping parent.

And about not fighting her corners with the school- I am horrified to think of some of the things we put up with (=made her put up with) and I reckon you would be too if I posted them.

I have corrected these things, but she is still suffering from the emotional damage and I can see that, even though she is not blaming me but herself. It is a very hard thing to know that you have done lasting harm. Though I do try not to let that spill into our present life.

Also, because I haven't supported ds adequately over the years. We are working on it, but I know he's had a hard time.

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Lingle, you need to know that you didn't cause the language delay. The tv thing is a red herring. Think of the millions of kids with excellent communication skills who spend hours glued to the screen/s.