I'm frightened by my dh's parenting methods (sorry so long.....!)

[loupiots]

He's a good papa - he really is, in as much as he loves, (really, he does), love his son.
Nevertheless, I am worried about his behaviour and actions with our almost 3 yr old.

My dh has had a less than ideal upbringing - as have I; both of our pasts have featured parental violence. I have had counselling to deal with the myriad consequences of this. I am, consequently, very careful to look at my reactions and thought processes to minimise the negative. That sounds really wanky, but what I mean is that I try very hard to ensure that I do not perpetuate the abuse that I endured.

So, enough of the background. Today, our LO ran off as we were going out for a walk. We live in central London - lots of roads to negotiate. I ran after him and stopped him. Our LO clearly thought it was a game - we both saw him (in our minds) under a car. I understand the fear. But my dh really went for it. Grabbing my baby's coat, shouting in his face, shaking and frightening him. I tried to intervene, but he was out of control. The LO ended up sobbing and cowering.

It really scared me - for all sorts of reasons. I tried to talk to him (my dh) about his response to what happened - he said I was "under-reacting." Am I? He says our lad needs to listen - well yeah, but surely not to the point where he is frightened?

I will "mother lioness" my kid to the exclusion of all, including DH. I know this is more of a relationship problem, but it's driving us apart, because I refuse to allow him to bully my child. He should bloody well know better.

Sorry, I don't know what I want from this post. I'm just trying to make sense of it all. Thanks for reading this far - if you have managed it.

Has he been like this at any other time? Whan he wasn't scared himself?

I think you should perhaps give him a little bit of leeway since this was a highly stressed reaction.

What is he usually like with your DS?

Is this something that has happended more than once, because I think we all have an odd day when we over-react. Especially when our LO's could be in danger.

He may just not want to back-down and admit he over-reacted IYSWIM.

He will over-react (I think)to what are fairly trivial things. Spilling drinks on the floor, painting mess, toy breaking, etc.,

Then he may have unrealistic expectations of the age group, generally very spilly and runny away type I found.

I went on a sure start parenting course that was good - it really just looked at how to see a childs way. Would he consider something like that if you both went - no biggie- just like antenatal classes really....

You know I don't think it is necessarily bullying for your LO to be cowering after running off on busy roads.

it will be a marker in your LO's mind that running off on dangerous roads is a very Bad Thing.

I think you have to look at it in relation to everything else, is this screaming at him an absolute one off or do you see shouting and in the baby's face regularly ?

If so I would go along with the parenting classes idea, sometimes that's all that's needed to flick a switch.

I think a lot of parents, rightly or wrongly, would react like that if their dc ran into traffic. I could see me doing a version of that. But everyday, ordinary things like spilling a drink or accidentally breaking something should not elicit screaming or shaking.

Does he think that his parents' behaviour was OK? Does he understand that when your parents were screamers/hitters you can tend to automatically copy thier behaviour (something I am on my guard against with my own dc)? Is he able to discuss this issue with you at all without becoming defensive?

Not bullying a child isn't under-reacting.

Would agree that if this is a regular thing, the guy needs parenting classes. Also possible counselling to deal with whatever it is that is making him behave like this.

Even if he'd just saved your son from running into the traffic, being so angry he is out of control, shaking the boy and making him cower in fear is not a good response. Many parents would shout but sounds as if dh went much further - and refusing to stop when you were objecting is a real danger sign. Very worrying coming from someone who had a violent childhood.

Tree's right, sounds as if dh has completely unrealistic expectations of a very small child - they are not mini-adults with adult brains.

Does he understand why you are concerned, or just brush it off? Would he read any books about child development? Or go to parenting classes?

There is a huge difference between instilling in a small child that you are cross and frightened that they ran out into the road and thereby making a marker that they'll remember, and bullying and frightening a child by acting in a way that will scare them and not necessarily be related in their mind to the incident.

Sounds way over the top to me, although I do understand when you are shocked and frightened yourself it's hard to rationalise and react proportionally, but he sounds a little out of control. He needs to see himself objectively and realise he's bulling, not parenting.

DP and I don't have children yet (we're working on it! ) but I think I can offer personal advice as DP has this problem. He can, on occassions, completely and totally lose it. To the point where he screams and shouts in a way that is highly inappropriate and very very upsetting for anyone on the other end of it - normally me. To the point where a few months ago, after one of those episodes, (during which he nearly hurt someone as he was so out of control), I more or less told him that his behaviour was entirely unacceptable and I would not put up with it any longer and that he needed to get help. I pointed out that while he's not perfect and he will have the odd complete fall over moment, regularly losing it like this is not right and that I would not be having children with him if I thought that this might be how he would react to them.

He has been seeing a counsellor for a while now and things are a lot better - even after only a few sessions. Earlier this week he had a little mini freak out, and while he was screaming and yelling, it was normal angry/frustrated behaviour rather than frightening for me.

So, no, I don't think you're being unreasonable to be concerned and I think if your DP is truly interested in being a good parent, he'll consider at least thinking about going to talk to someone. Being angry is one thing, being out of control is entirely another.

I would recommend you both going to parenting classes, I found them very useful. It was chance to talk things over with other parents and we did a lot of role play of situations and it really made you think.

Thanks - it's really helpful to get different viewpoints.

I think you've hit the nail on the head about unrealistic expectations of a small child. He wouldn't react like that to a broken toy, but he does have a tendency to start shouting or to be, IMO, just too angry about trivial stuff.

He is trying and will listen to what I say, and I make him calm down and apologise to me and to the LO, but deep down, I think he needs counselling and he won't do that. I think if I suggested a parenting course for both of us, he would do that. So I will look into it.

His father was a shouting, screaming violent type as he was growing up (although now he has completely changed and is very mellow). His mother is critical, unsupportive and self absorbed - a lethal combination as parents - so he finds it very hard to hear any type of criticism and becomes immediately defensive.

This is one event. From what you have said on the top post, it seems to be the only significant event.

If you are going to launch into parenting classes (which might be helpful) and the father sees you as over reacting, you are going to have started a habit and possibly open yourself to criticism, which you don't really want or need.

The child is 3, he ran off. The father reacted (perhaps negatively), but if the child ruins off again and the father yells, that child is going to have a much better chance of listening and stopping.

You and the father saw that child under a car....which is worse? under a car or being yelled at? What behaviour (at that moment in time) would be most effective to stop that child running away again?

I personally wouldn't make a big issue of that, perhaps use that one event as a reminder.

If the child runs off again, remind the child that his behaviour made the father worried and angry which isn't good, so we don't run where there are cars.

I think that it is understandable to be frightened and react badly, but that even with a young DC you can apologise and explain why you were cross-I think you said that your DH did this which is a good sign that he wants to do things a better way.