i hate me -i have turned into a mummymonster and i try so hard but i just fail miserably.

[IamAlsoADreamer]

my ds is 3.3 and i just feel like I am always yelling at him.
probably it is all my fault,he gets cross if I don't understand him,and the more I don't the crosser he gets and then I end up yelling.
He fusses when i try and dress him,fusses when he has to get in the bath he just generally wants to do everything the other way round ifyswim.
I ask him nicely ,cajole him ,try praise give him warnings but we always end at some point in me shouting like a banshee and him in tears asking me to hug him.
why will he not listen to me ,I must be a really crappy mother.
I have no help ,I am pretty much on my own [dh works long,long hours]and all family abroad and I just feel exhausted with it all.
I am sat here typing this crying,when i was carrying him I used to daydream of all the nice things we would do and I would look at other mums who shouted at their kids and think I am never gonna be like that.
and do you know waht I think I am probably worse.
we do lots of nice stuff together don't get me wrong it's not constant
tell me it gets better please I just feel completely and utterly rubbish and useless as a mother

I'm a bit of shouted too, and i hate it. Things i find help:

Crouch to his level and look at him when you're speaking.

Naughty spot- i ask once for something, say please pick up your toys for example. If he refuses / throws toys etc, i say again firmly but not shouting 'I want you to do it now please, or you can sit by yourself for 2 mins' More often than not, it's done.

Counting back from 10- for some reason counting to 10 (like some people recommend) annoys me more, but counting backwards from 10 is more relaxing!

Say something nice when he's being nice- i like it when you play like that, it's lovely when you say please, that sort of thing.

Finally- pick your fights well. Some things just don't matter that much, let it go. If he wants to do things a different way sometimes, let him. Or give him 2 choices, like 'do you want the blue tshirt or the red one?' 'Do you me to dress you, or do you want to try it?'

I don't know if any of that helps?

that should say i'm a bit of a shouter too!

thanks XmasFairyGrrl tbh I do pretty much all the things you have said but sometimes I just end up yelling
It's me I just sometimes feel like I want to explode with the constant of it all.
He is a really god boy I guess he is just trying to push the limits ifykwim
we have had a horrid and lonely christams and probably it's all rubbing off
I can't stop huuging him now -he's asleep -I just end up feeling so guilty and shitty.

i do that too- feel awful. Keep communicating with him- i tell mine i am sorry for shouting, and that's it's because i'm so tired.

Do you have a friend or someone who can give you a break? Or just visit for a coffee and a chat? It must be hard on your own so much of the time- you're bound to get frustrated.

i'm sure he knows how much you love him. Maybe someone will be along soon with better advice!

DS2 is like this, always useed to joke he was born awkward!
Always used to feel like i was always telling him off.
Like fairy said pick your battles.
I have said some dreadful things to him in the past ( well shouted).
I am a shouter too, I wish I didn't.
But I would rather shout than hit
Prob time of year doesn't help esp if you feel lonley too.

i do it too. i also have a 19 month old and the combination of the 2 of them is just 2 much for me sometimes. so i shout too. and i hate myself for it. each night i resolve not to do it the following day then we are leaving the house and even though i got up 30 ins earlier we are still ina rush and i still end up shouting. i reckon it is good that we feel bad abnout it and all we can do is apologise and keep trying not to.....

Oh dreamer

I have lost count of the number of times I have posted like this about my youngest. He is so bloody awkward about everything. I have no magic bullet I'm afraid. If it's any comfort he is now 5 and improving a lot.

I will give you then benefit of my experience.

The reason it is getting worse IME ibecause you are getting more stressed, and so is he. He will keep doing it to get more attention (positive) but he's only getting negative attention (for which I do not blame you in the slightest btw). You need to make sure that he is getting enough sleep, spend more time with him doing nice things not just admin iyswim, listen to him, but remain firm when he starts being daft (no I have to go downstairs first mummy, you come back up). Give lots of love and reassurance. And try try try not to shout.

I have found that 1-2-3 helps.

i think you sound tired too. I truly sympathise

Message withdrawn

ahh thankyou ALL so much.
I have spent all afternoon hugging him and telling him I love him very much {bless him he was asleep for most of it but it made me feel better]
dilema I am sorry I don't have CAT but we could check in on here if you want
You are all right as well that the time of year is not helping, we only moved here a year ago and so freinds are an hour away -have made good freinds with someone her now but she has all her family local too and so she si spending all her time there[please don't think i begrudge her that -i really dont]
my lo started preschool in nov so I am slowly starting to build new freindships but at this time of year -well
I took lo out earlier on his bike and all the people we saw were families
and I guess it just brings home to me sometimes that i have to do everything ifykwim
dh left at 10 and won't be back til 2-3 tomorrow am
my new years resolotion is to try and be a less shouty mommy

i never wanted my home to be shouty one because i grew up in a house full of shouting. but, there i go every now and then shouting at my 4.3 yr old. plus i get bad pms so at times it is worse.

i try to follow the same tactics of going down to his level, counting to 3, giving him a choice of 2 options, etc but hey! we are human and sometimes we land up letting rip!!! no, i don't enjoy my shouting and i certainly feel embarrassed more often than not when i do, but my son must learn that i am human too.

he is generally a lovely little boy - DH and i consider ourselves very fortunate to have such a lovely, funny, sweet, interesting LO, but it can be very hard sometimes.

no words of wisdom, i am afraid. only understanding!

I can be the same, in fact most people are - try not to beat yourself up about it.

I would agree with OrmIrian - make sure hes getting enough sleep and enough food - feed him every two hours - a banana or a rice cake or whatever even if he doesnt seem hungry.

You can always break the day down into hours or even half hours if its going really badly - like you were running a (very small)nursery in your house so breakfast, park or library, snack, painting, playdo, lunch, nap, book reading/toys, snack, waterplay in the shower, dinner, bath, bed. I think if you've got lots of activities in hand then it makes it a little bit easier.

If of course it all kicks off and hes screaming at you and you're shouting at him then I would just walk away for a bit and shut the door - as long as hes safe you can just take some time to calm down and pull your shoulders down before heading back into it again...

sorry just saw hes 3.3 and therefore probably not napping...I would put the tv on for some down time in the middle of the day then and use it sparingly so that when it goes on he watches it...

has the preschool given you any feedback?how is he when he comes home?

giant no he still naps and bless him he is very very sensitive hence when I shout he then asks for a hug.
preschool -well that is not going so good he cries/sobs all the way ther ,vomits within 10 mins of being there but once he si doing an activity with his key worker he is ok.
To be fair he has only been going for 5 weeks and it is only 2.5 hrs twice a week. so it seems to be taking a while -they say he is vv bright but v sensitive and he his main 'problem' is that he is left [without me]
you see thats the other thing he has never been left with anyone since he was born it's pretty much been him and me
oh I dunno I feel like I am making excuses but I'm not and he really is vv good to the point that strangers have commented on it -it's just me being a nasty piece of work
I have to remember that he is only 3 and that everything he is doing is completely normal which I think I sometimes forget.

you're not a nasty piece of work- you are a lonely, tired human being with a child. the fact that he is upset without you shows he loves you and likes being with you. I would venture that MOST parents shout at toddlers some of the time- they are blardy hard work, especially if you spend so much time alone together.

Do you make time for yourself when he is nursery?

Oh xmasfairy You have made me cry again- I try and have 'me' time when he is at preschool but as I say it's only been 5 weeks and he still is really unhappy about going which again makes me feel horrid when I have to take him screaming that 'you no leave me' and knowing that he is gonna be sick etc etc it just leaves me shaking tbh.

Have you asked the nursery staff how he is after a little while? It may be that he settles down after a few minutes and is fine.

You are bound to be anxious, but he will settle down - he is just reacting to change, he sounds normal. He is probably extra tired if he has only been at nursery a few weeks.

Have you considered bring his bedtime routine (and bedtime) forward an hour? You might find that makes a big difference.

Routine is everything. Small children need to know what is coming next - it makes them feel more secure. Lots of fresh air, exercise, food and sleep. Don't attempt to get anything done (as in housework etc) while he is awake - it will only create more attention seeking behaviour. If you get him settled by 6.30 pm you can get lots done!

My dh wasn't around much when my boys were small, I really do understand how hard it is. Weekends are the worst. It will pass. Don't be too hard on yourself. Try and relax and take one day at a time.

sorry

He WILL settle eventually- my younger brother was similar, he would cling to my mothers legs and scream right upto primary school. He is now a very confident (gobby!) and popular 17 year old.

I know it's easier said than done, but you must start making time for you. I find i'm less listless without the kids if i am out of the house. (Otherwise i just wander round picking up toys and doing housework, thinking how quiet it is!)

Go to the gym, the cinema, a cafe, the library, a long walk with your favourite music on an ipod, whatever you think you'd like.

I bet you're lovely- if you lived near me i'd go for a coffee with you!

The positive aspect of having a dh who works away a lot is that you can have easy simple meals, and early nights with a book and cocoa, in peace!

you're welcome to have my email address if you ever fancy a chat etc iamalsoadreamer

ahh xmasgrrl you are kind! thankyou I feel a bit better now I think I just had to get it off my chest -it seems to have been a VERY stressful past month or so what with preschool and christmas.
I guess it comes down to that I am a bit lonely and whilst I love /adore my little man sometimes I get overpowered by having to be everything all at once ifyswim.
my dh does try but as he works vlong hours half the time he si not fit for much but given the current climate[and the fact that he got made redundant this time last year] we cannot really complain.
And I know that.
But thats why I love you all so much I can come and vent without really hurting anyone in rl
happy new year to all you lovely ladies and an extra special wish to you FAIRY thanks