Really scared that I am not going to be strong enough for DS

[StefkaSnowAngel]

I am not a strong person emotionally. I have struggled with depression and anxiety and have really awful self esteem. My mother was the same. She also strugled with an eating disorder and alcholism and while I have managed to avoid drink problems I am in the process of trying to get rid of my eating disorder once and for all.

My childhood was chaotic and I really don't want the same for DS. I want him to know that he is secure and safe. I want to model good self esteem, confidence and eating habits but I am scared I am not up to the job.

I am working with someone on the food issue and am making progress with that but I have no idea how to improve my self esteem. I really worry that if DS sees me struggling with confidence that it will impact on his own self esteem.

I keep reading all these parenting books and seeing the sort of parent I want to be and then seeing how far away from that I am and it is freaking me out.

Parenting involves a lot of acting. if you act like you have high self esteem, and impart high self esteem to your son I think you will be fine.

No one is perfect. Those books serve only to highlight what we aren't doing IMO.

Stefka, you will be absolutely fine.

You are aware of your issues and are addressing them. That is providing a good example for your child.

We are all f*cked up to a certain extent - no one is like the ridiculous perfect paretns in parenting books. Ditch the books.

What age is he? What support do you have?

Dump the books. You know what kind of parent you want to be. You're not going to be doing all the crap that you got growing up because you're self-aware. Do the acting thing and the film thing - pretend there's a film crew in the room every time you find yourself snapping or doing whatever it is you think you're falling down on. Eventually it becomes second nature.

By being a brilliant parent to your DS (and you are already one because you're thinking about it - unconscious parenting = crap parenting IMO), you will raise your own self esteem I bet. Bonus!

He's 14 months. I am pretty isolated - no friends where I live and family, apart from one person, are far away. DH has to work a lot and we are under a lot of financial stress (who isn't right now!).

It gives me hope that I am at least aware of stuff which is more than my own parents ever were. I have been making some changes, trying to make sure I start eating with my son etc. I just wish I could be more confident. I actually just don't like myself to be honest and that really has to change for both our sakes.

The acting thing is a really good tip - thank you.

The fact that you are aware of what you don't want to do for your son is brilliant. not many people have that level of self awareness

would you be interested in a homestart volunteer visiting once/twice a week to chat with you and support you emotionally and practically in a non judgemental way?
they can introduce you to family centres,positive parenting or just have a coffee.
they are a "homestart friend" sothey don't bring their own chidren or issues,its for you.

Dump the books - imagine if you knew someone like those books say we should be. You'd hate her!

Imagine how far you have come since you were 1st pregnant, how far since the early freak out days with him, to today and posting here.

Imagine where you'll be in another 14 months.

And acting is the thing - and then one day your not acting and you really are laughing your head off because your pretending to be a worm. Your son will help you become so much, and your bond will be solid because of it.

You are already doing it. I agree - dump the books - they just make you feel you're getting it wrong.

Gandhi said 'Be the change you want to see' (or something like that). If you act like the person you want to be I think you will get closer to it. Your boy is lucky. Good luck and let him teach you - not the books.

agree with everyone. i would like to say that i found the first couple of years of my ds gave me far too much time to contemplate and build up anxieties and insecurities. As he got older, and went to nursery and school i was so much busier and involved in the day to day parenting that my self esteem increased too. good luck

Throw the books out and get your info from here instead!

Don't worry about being "perfect", nobody is and nobody wants you to be.

You sound like a very caring mum, which will show to your DS.

Thank you. I love that saying about being the change you want to see - think I will stick it on my notice board to keep me motivated.

Not heard about the homestart thing - how would I find out more?

sorry, link I tried for you didn't work
please just google homestart it comes straight up.