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Original poster

Ideas for 5 yr old who wants to be 35 ....

22 replies

Countingtheflocksbynight · 30/12/2008 20:14

Could do with some advice please.

DD had a really bad day yesterday. She became very frustrated and upset several times. I ignored it because she's an only child, she's missing her friends, and is tired after all the Christmas festivities etc etc.

Anyway to cut a long story short, we had a talk when I put her to bed and the underlying reasons for her behaviour "spilled out" in between really loud sobs

She was genuinely frustrated and upset and kept saying "when am I going to be old?"

She wants to do everything we can (drive a car, go outside by herself, she even wants to be the same height as us) and although I give her as much leeway as possible (simple cooking projects, looking after pets, deciding on expeditions, buying things herself when out shopping etc etc) she is obviously limited in what she can do totally unsupervised.

Does anyone more experienced at parenting than myself please have any ideas about how I can assuage her frustration, or do you have any suggestions about activities that would make her feel more "in control" and allow her more autonomy?

I'm stumped on this one.

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Joolyjoolyjoo · 30/12/2008 20:22

I have a 5yo dd who is desperate to grow up. I find it hard to understand, as I loved being a child, and remember crying at the thought of being grown up . I keep trying to point out to my dd all the advantages of being 5- and all the disadvantages of being an adult. I know she's not completely convinced, but I just hate the thought that she is in a rush to be "grown-up". we are children for such a short time, then adults for the whole rest of our life. As children, our life revolves around having fun. as an adult it revolves around things we "have" to do- work, chores etc. I would be more inclined to encourage your dd to rediscover and enjoy childish pleasures, than enable her to feel more grown-up. She can still enjoy some control in choosing games she wants to play, books she would like to read, clothes she would like to wear etc.

My dd is desperate to be "in charge", so I encourage her to play at being teacher, or mum, with her dolls/ soft toys (although she does try it with her little sis, which tends to go down like a lead balloon!)

Original poster

Countingtheflocksbynight · 30/12/2008 21:44

Thanks Jooly

I definitely find it hard to understand too. I did try and explain to her that although it is great being an adult, it isn't all fun and games and that childhood definitely has its advantages...

.. I also hate the idea of children rushing to become grown up ...and although it hasn't (thankfully) reached the point where she has to "rediscover" childhood, your point about placing an emphasis on childish pleasures is a really good one.

I think part of her problem is being an only child and so most of her references are adult ones. She does have lots of friends at school and invites them back home to play quite often during term time, but being expats, it's more difficult during the holidays.

I think I need to seek out a neighbourhood friend for her ...

..thanks again for your input.

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resolutions · 31/12/2008 00:00

my ds1 was like this wanting to do things ahead of time and be in charge.
I think its a balance that is needed between putting them in their place and treating them as equals/adults.She needs to know you are in charge but at the same time not belittling her IYSWIM does that make sense?

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skramblenotdieting · 31/12/2008 00:06

Maybe find her little things to be responsible for like setting table, bringing down washing etc, regular jobs that might make her feel "grown up". Or things like opening her own savings account where she can go up to the counter and put money inherself.

treedelivery · 31/12/2008 00:11

Are you mum to the same child as me in some parallel universe?

I wonder if, because they are only's [as were I and dh] and spend alot of time with adults as a result they just find it hard to not be equal, plain and simple. I wonder too if only ones are slightly more 'in earnest'

My dd asked me if I knew everything with genuine awe and wonder. It was then I thought how hard it must be to be standing in the shadows of giants iyswim.

I've made big efforts to lighten up around her, and look forward to dd2 arriving to allow dd1 to see baby giggles etc. I'm actually encouraging her to watch more TV and eat sweeties, do less number work etc - to just not worry about stuff so much!

She'll probably take big sister stuff all very seriously however and be a mini maggie thatcher, as we take being 4 very seriously indeed around here!

Joolyjoolyjoo · 31/12/2008 01:14

Yeah, my dd isn't an only, but she is the eldest of my 3, and takes that responsibility VERY seriously- sometimes too seriously for my liking, as she seems to constantly worry about her siblings and flaps about them like a mother hen, often saying things I say in exactly my tone of voice .

I sometimes think she wants to BE me- as treedelivery said, she looks up to me (and I shamelessly encourage her to believe I know everything!) I appease myself with the thought that I should enjoy the flattery while it lasts- when she really DOES grow into a teenager, she will no doubt think I am the pits!

treedelivery · 31/12/2008 01:17

Thats true Jooly - not long now till they tell us we are crap and move out. And then back again with uni debts. Ah parenting.

Joolyjoolyjoo · 31/12/2008 01:33

Well, my bolshy 3 yo already tells me she hates me and wants to move out!! dd1 would never had done that! dd2 has also called me a "crazy moose" and called Dh a "silly street-rat" (I blame Aladdin!) the other day.

So maybe something to be said for the polite, eager and mature child, in retrospect...

treedelivery · 31/12/2008 01:39

silly street rat ROFL

Haven't seen aladdin [dd with ulcer brewing nicely gets stressed at snow white story so Disney would clearly tip her into anxiety attack] so will just imagine dd2 has a totally brilliant SoH if thats OK!

Joolyjoolyjoo · 31/12/2008 01:58

Fine by me! Either she will be a comedienne, or end up with an asbo aged 14- she is a character. dd1, as you say, is far more sensitive- I have to be watching with her to assure her there WILL be a happy ending. saying that, I was taken to see bambi no less than 3 times when I was 5 yo, and have STILL never made it past the bit where his mum died- had to be removed from the cinema on each occasion I was an only, so not sure what that implies!

nappyaddict · 31/12/2008 02:01

Is there a post box she could walk to post letters or a corner shop to buy milk and bread?

treedelivery · 31/12/2008 02:24

Jooly - ooo me too and I'm an only. I def think only ones and older ones have ulcers just waiting to go. So earnest about everything.

Joolyjoolyjoo · 31/12/2008 02:31

Yup- earnest is a good word! dd1 is so anxious to please (although can still behave very badly!) where dd2 doesn't give a monkey's unless it suits her. I do feel a bit bad for dd1- she worries about things which haven't happened. She got hysterical at my dad's the other day because dd2 was climbing a ladder (my dad was there)- "she might have fallen, mum! She could have split her head open!"

I do wonder whether it is because WE are so worried with our first, and a lot more laid-back with subsequents. With dd1, I would have hovered nervously as she went up the slide. With ds, he could be up the slide and down again, and I wouldn't have had time to notice (although dd1 would be there, alerting me!) dd1 had no toys for "3 and over" until she was 3 and over, but the others pitch in and grab her stuff. Well, I'd hear them choking, wouldn't I?...

treedelivery · 31/12/2008 02:38

They're like mother hens aren't they. Thinking of enrolling dd in gymnastics just so she can take some risks!

We were laid back and not at all nervous so bet you didn't cause it. However I think dh and I over analysed and over explained and ove whelmed dd a bit. SHe never even had a tantrum - she could see the logic of things as we took such efforts to explain everything. So now she sees everything and yes dd2 could fall of the ladder or whatever. What my dd can't see is that it's not very likely.
Dh and I must have been such tedious parents! Trying to be very un-chlostrophobic [sp?] since summer and have seen a change.

Joolyjoolyjoo · 31/12/2008 02:46

dd1 went to gymnastics, but was still hesitant. dd2, OTOH, was up that cargo net like a whippet! Know what you mean about the over-explaining, though. I am not a baby-talk kinda person, so tended to talk to all mine in terms of logic and cause and effect. Also, Dh is in the forces, so was away for long stretches, so it was just her and me a lot of the time, and she got a lot of one-on-one adult attention- she actually seemed to slightly resent dh coming home and being my companion, iyswim. She is a great kid, though, so caring to her little siblings...who just beat her up and steal her breakfast

treedelivery · 31/12/2008 02:59

Your dd and my dd should get together. Be hysterical! They could have frank and sensible conversations about stuff and things.

Interesting though - the 'adult talk'. I think thats it. I think dd1 will always have a special nuzzle corner of my heart, as I will always feel a little worry for her. Your describing the siblings and the breakfast is exactly what I think dd's life might be like generally. iyswim

Bless their socks!!

Joolyjoolyjoo · 31/12/2008 03:07

Ah, but MY dd would try to boss yours around, and YOUR dd would try to boss mine around Because they wouldn'r see each other as the adult they se themselves to be!

When is your next one due?

treedelivery · 31/12/2008 03:11

3 weeks. I'm hoping this will be a sort of reckless bonkers monkey climbing child - or a carbon copy of dd.

Joolyjoolyjoo · 31/12/2008 03:16

No!! It's bound to be a devil-may-care and sod-you-all child! You wait and see!

But I am off to bed now, as it is dds 5th birthday tomorrow- this time 5 years ago I was in labour! She will no doubt be up at 7am demanding her presents and overseeing the arrangements for her party- aargh! Speak later!

treedelivery · 31/12/2008 03:18

Good God get to bed!!

Original poster

Countingtheflocksbynight · 31/12/2008 11:47

Sorry (r l intervened there for a bit)

Loads of responses - thank you

Resolutions - yes, dd is very sensitive to belittling of any sort - I once wasn't able to keep a straight face when she was stamping her foot and saying "but I am big, I"m FIVE" and she has never forgiven me ....seriously ... she was DEEPLY offended and I felt awful ...

Skramble - yes she does do certain chores- tidying toys, emptying dishwasher (sharp knives removed first)and setting the table. She does all of them really, really conscientiously ... but opening a bank account is a great idea - thanks. She'd love the importance and seriousness of it ...

Thanks too NappyAddict - we could do more posting of letters but letter boxes very high over here for some reason!! We go to the market too and she has her own string bag and basket and she'll buy a bit of fruit on her own ... . The corner shop unfortunately is across a major traffic intersection .. but will keep thinking along those lines. Maybe cycling with me and then parking her bike and going and doing the shopping herself ...

Tree Delivery and JoolyJoo - your dds sound so lovely! (It's funny how it tends to be the girls who are v. conscientious at a young age!! It must be pre-programmed in to us.

Lol at Tree Delivery trying to encourage yr dd to watch more TV and eat sweets! Fantastic!! I think your point about standing in the shadow of giants is all to relevant here ... We have definitely been guilty of "over-explaining/over-anxious parenting" but have lightened up fairly radically over the past six months so still a bit baffled by the timing of this ...

Thanks again everyone .

..and hope your dd has a lovely party Joly ...and gd luck in three weeks Tree Delivery if we don't meet on another thread before then...

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Original poster

Countingtheflocksbynight · 02/01/2009 21:14

Just a quick update for SKramble in partic -

Having opened her piggy bank with a tin opener (38 Euros - don't know where all that came from!!) took dd to bank today and they gave her a card for an "interview" after school next week to open up a savings account.

She was absolutely thrilled. And on the way home she actually said "It's great to be old"!! So it worked!! It was an inspired idea of yours - thanks again.

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