I am a good mother because.....

[Allie]

Recently I was asked if I could say I was a good mother. This was in a spirit of curiosity not challenge or criticism.
I am utterly unable to even say 'I am a good mother' without silent 'but..s'. Even assuming that a good mother is not the same as a perfect mother.
I can say quite happily that I am a nice mum. And a good parent. But stumble on the so-loaded phrase good mother. How does a mother discover/decide that she is a good one?
Can you say with inner conviction - 'I am a good mother because I do/am.....' It would help to hear other people's certainties about this.

A good mother is happy with herself and the way in which she is bringing up her children and doesn't listen to other peoples opinions of what a good mother should be!

Ooo....does this person really exist? I think I fail based on that definition.

I'm good at my job.
I Love chocolate.
I make a great quick supper.

I KNOW these things.

I'm a good mum?????????
Don't think I'll ever be able to stand back and say that categorically. Maybe when my sons are all grown up and can decide for themsleves if I did a good Job?

Hmmmm....My own mother, having raised five (although that doesn't qualify her), has told me that I am a good mother. I suspect she says that because I'm lucky enough to have (at the moment) a very easy natured little boy. I wonder if things would be different with a more demanding baby. Emmam, I agree, but sometimes easier said than done. Actually, thinking about it, I would be very wary of labelling anyone as a good mother or otherwise. Having said that, I will admit that all things considered I reckon I'm doing quite well. Does enjoyment come into it? This reminds me of a novel by Sue Miller called the very same (think there's a film too).

When my sons are asleep, looking like angels, fleetingly I think I am a good mother. When they are awake, I don't have a minute to think such thoughts!

In order to answer this question, you need to have a definition of the term "good mother". Clearly, this is very subjective and therefore I think it is an almost impossible question to answer. It is a bit like saying whether or not you are a "good person".
I put a post up on another board about a book I recently read, which I would recommend to any mother. It is called "Mother Nature" and it is by Sarah Blaffer Hrdy (yes, that really is her name). The authoress is an anthropologist and mother and she looks at lots of aspects of motherhood.
She sets out to answer the following questions:

1. What do we mean by "maternal instincts" and have we lost them?
2. If women instinctively love their babies, why have so many women across cultures and through history directly or indirectly contributed to their deaths? Why do so many mothers around the world discriminate among their own infants (eg: feeding a son, starving a daughter)?
3. Humans produce offspring that are helpless and dependent for so long a time that our hunter/gatherer ancestors could not have reared a family alone. Yet paternal assistance than (as now) was far from certain - so why did humans develop with mothers producing babies so far beyond their means to rear alone?
4. Given that fathers share the same proportion of their genes with babies as mothers do, why didn't fathers evolve to be more attentive to infant needs?
5. Given that fathers range from caring to indifferent why are all men so interested in the reproductive affairs of women?
6. What is the bottom line on infant needs?

It has really opened my eyes to alot of different ways of looking at motherhood and whether or not we are "good" or not.

I think a good parent is just someone who loves and encourages their children! Make sure you have no prejudices and then your children won't.

I also think that society still believes a good mother and a good father are different in some way. A good father works and brings home the bacon and a good mother tidies the house and does the ironing, according to the Daily Mail anyway LOL! It is of course, tripe!

What a day. After managing to let one of my sons break his leg on sunday I took his brother swimming today. When we got home his lips turned blue, he started shivering and became delirious. After NHS Direct told me to keep him warm the doctor we saw said he had a temperature of 40.5 and to ' GET THOSE CLOTHES OFF HIM'.
Anyway, he's got a throat infection poor lamb and after a few hours his temperature has started to go down (touch wood).
So, does that make me a bad mother ... two children both unwell / injured in the same week. OR good mother - realised both needed treatment straight away
OR just like everyone else....trying to muddle through as best I can and TRYING to do the best I can for my boys.

I am a good mother because ....hmmmm... because I give my son lots of affection and he smiles a lot.

As Bugsy says it is subjective and are we asking if other people think we are good mothers or we think so ourselves? I think if your kid(s) are happy regardless of any perameters you have then you are doing the right thing. Also if you feel happy in yourself then that will rub off on your child.

Twinsmum - hope your son is better soon.

Oh Twinsmum, what a week! I hope they are both better soon. All of us can only do our best. If it's any consolation, I've never even managed to take mine swimming - does that make me a bad mother??

twinsmum - you poor thing!!! "managing to let one of my sons break his leg?" i don't know what happened but i can't imagine you let him, exactly!!!
good luck with no 2 son's fever...

it is much easier to define a bad mother than a good one. i should think if you and your kids are happy with each other and the world most of the time (leaving aside toddler tantrums and all that) then you're as good as it gets. nobody's perfect...!

Tel I think like that too. i.e. yes I'm a good mum, but he's such a good son so its easy. I reckon a good mum is one that copes well despite hardship, be it poverty or a sick child.

BTW Bugsy' Interesting list. RE: no. 3 I've always thought that humans/apes live in groups and therefore its more natural for the women to stick together at home looking after the kids and gathering together. Shame its not more like this now, instead of the isolation many feel (hmm NCT take note!)

My kids seem happy, other people seem to like them, and the other day my mother actually told me that it was because I was so good with them (praise indeed - this is the woman whose first reaction to my 7 A-grade O-levels was "what a shame about the one B grade"). So am I a good mother? I don't know. I think I'll settle for trying to be a 'good enough' mother, and leave it at that!

I struggle all the time with this idea. the 'good enough' mother is a comforting concept but whenever stuff goes wrong (as it always does) its very easy for me to let that little word 'not' slip in at the front. So much pressure to do everything perfectly. My only source of comfort is the idea that whatever I do I do because I believe it to be in my childrens best interest. Dont like the idea that to be a good mother you have to be happy with yourself because most of the time Im not

cela - i don't mean mary poppins kind of happy - skipping through the daisies hand-in-hand. if you prefer to put things negatively you could say "not dissatisfied with". in our house somebody is often bickering with somebody else, for example, and it does my head in, but they are basically nice kids who love each other, and us, and vice versa.

and we all know it, which is a major factor in being "good enough" parents. everybody doesn't like each other all the time and they are self-confident enough to know that and deal with it. what goes around comes around and all that.

are you really not happy most of the time? why?

Azzie - I loved your message! My mum was most disappointed when 7 out of 9 of my lessons were voted "excellent" because the other two were "only good."!! However, I reckon I must be this mythical "good mum" because my mum is always saying, "well, you must be doing something right there, mustn't you" about my two "excellent" little girls! I reckon unless it's obvious that we're "bad mums" (beat our children, fail to nurture them) then we're all pretty good!

A friend sent me this via email and I thought it was funny - not sure how it equates to being a good mum though!

MUMS DICTIONARY

AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to make love again.

DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you from killing them

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.

PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.

TWO MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

thank you, emmam - i'm going to print that!!!!

Me too, thanks emmam! Particularly like "hearsay". Our son apparently spent Friday running about nursery bawling "Oh, Christ" whenever he dropped anything, as a result of hearing this ONCE when he and dad nearly went flying straight through the (closed) French windows on Thursday night. We probably have an X next to the "blasphemous" box on his nursery checklist now.

I am a good mother because ............, well darling daughter last weekend en route to Edinburgh says to Granny "Granny sure your don't sleep hanging upside down?", great hilarity from the back of the car, as I had been speaking to my mum the night before and said to her "on you go and hang up on your perch for the night!". Or the best one I've heard for a long time when her ladyship announced to the whole playgroup why the bull was out with the cows and precisely what happened. I could have crawled below a stone, but, even with all the various bits and pieces my kids are always happy and have a broad outlook on what happens expecially if someone/thing dies, as in Granny and Granpa come down and get the whatever has died, last week it was a dead ewe, and take their souls but leave their bodies as they are to heavy for them to carry!.