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Parenting

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Original poster

daddy's boy

11 replies

claritita · 22/12/2008 14:24

My 17 month old son is adorable (of course) and when we hang out together on a thursday/friday as I am not working, we get on brilliantly. But as soon as the weekend comes and daddy is home, I'm persona non grata. He won't let me hold him, feed him, he screams if daddy has to pass him over to me. He hugs daddy and looks away from me like i'm the most revolting bit of excrement that he's found on his shoe. It makes family time quite depressing for me as I feel completely redundant. Although my husband would prefer it if it wasn't like this, he also loves it (and who can blame him). I think when I had a child I was guilty of believing that their mum would always be number one, but I feel that I'm a long way down in his priorities. This isn't a recent thing, it has been happening since he's been old enough to exhibit different emotions. I can remember clear examples from when he was 9 months old, so I don't think it's just a phase. Has anyone else had this? What can we do?

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nappyaddict · 22/12/2008 14:26

I have this with my mum. It's probably because he spends more of his time with you so when daddy's not at work he wants to make the most of it.

MintChocAddict · 22/12/2008 14:29

i felt like this too Claritita. I used to wonder what I was doing wrong.
DS is now 2 and can't get enough of me.
I'm sure this will happen for you too.

Weegle · 22/12/2008 14:30

Yes DS is 2.5 and has been like this as long as he could express it. A large part of handling it is accepting it is just the way it is and me not reacting - I know he still loves me and needs me, and I remind myself that. The most effective way we have of helping him understand that his behaviour can be hurtful though is that if he is pulling away from me going "daddy daddy" then DH says "no DS, that hurts mummy and when you hurt mummy it makes daddy sad so I will cuddle mummy". So DH actively gives me the attention. This seems to make it a more even playing field for all of us. It's lovely that DS and DH have a wonderful relationship but we are quite united in the belief that it should never exclude someone, in this instance me!

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WOMD · 22/12/2008 14:31

I am going through this at the moment clartita, so I know how you feel. dd is 13 months old and I'm hoping its just one of those things

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claritita · 22/12/2008 15:59

I think the other difficulty with it is the temptation to spoil him. I think if I'm a bit nicer to him he'll be a bit nicer to me. His daddy is completely doting and probably does let him get away with stuff, which I don't, so there is the temptation to let him get away with it too, but I know that's a recipe for disaster. But sometimes it's quite unconscious, and I think maybe I'm just not nice enough, maybe I should let him play with the central heating thermostat if he wants to. Maybe it doesn't matter if he empties the herb and spices out all over the floor...

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WOMD · 22/12/2008 16:06

I keep telling dh he has to learn to say 'no' as well. I will not be the bad parent. I think thats the key, in my house anyway, for dh not to be so leniant and stick to the same rules as me.

WOMD · 22/12/2008 16:07

I mean 'bad parent' as in awful but 'bad' in strict

rubberplant · 23/12/2008 10:05

I have this with my 22 month old DS. If DP is around he will always want to sit with him etc. When he's hurt or upset he'll run straight past me to DP. It has at times felt awful and I'm sure people have been wondering what I've done to him that he should always prefer DP to me!

Recently I've been getting more and more upset and making comments to DP and grandparents. I know I have to stop it. DS is perfectly happy when we're together.

DP is more lenient than me which may have something to do with it. But I also believe that when DP is around DS feels that it's special time.

PortAndStilton · 23/12/2008 10:11

He knows he can rely on you, because you're there. He feels (subconsciously) that he needs to make more effort with his father who isn't there as often.

Who does he want when he's ill?

dinkystinkyclaus · 23/12/2008 10:42

My DS (2.8) is the same with his daddy - its because he doesnt get to see him as much as me. Dont feel left out - he loves you but he also loves his daddy and as he doesnt see as much of him, wants to be with him when he's about. Do lots of things as the 3 of you - trips out and about - and enjoy the time off you get when daddy is spending one on one time with your DS. It is probably just a phase and will pass.

mumpip · 23/12/2008 10:48

I also went through this during my pregnancy with DS2 (not sure if relevant or not) started when DS1 18months and seemed to end around about 2 years (when DS2 born, again, not sure if related or not). No advice to give really apart from it will pass and don't feel too daft if you end up crying over it, I used to cry sometimes when I was rejected in favour of his Daddy (tryed to pull myself together and get on with it but mums have feelings too!). We didn't even have the excuse that he saw more of me than Daddy as he saw about the same of both of us but I do wonder if it was because DH will spend his at-home-time devoted to the children whilst I will be trying to race doing cooking, cleaning, washing etc which DH has not touched!

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