aggression/health visitor?

[penny100]

My 4yo ds is being just so miserably aggressive with dp and me - hitting, hairpulling, punching. It has been a problem on and off for a year - i thought he might have grown out of it by now. Often crops up after illness which he's had a lot of this year. No amount of sanctions, charts, time outs, furious responses from us, etc seem to have any real impact. Am just so down about it. It is depressing, and of course humiliating if it's ever in public. I feel there is a lovely little boy in there somewhere who i love dearly, but am finding it hard to be around this violent thug that he has morphed into. Just feel i must've done a really bad job of bringing him up. He's not at school yet, don't know whether i should approach a health visitor for advice or not. Feels like an admission of failure but maybe it's the sensible thing to do. It's always worse when all 3 of us are home together. Am dreading Christmas. Anyone managed to turn around a situation like this? Anyone found turning to a health visitor was a good thing? Would so love to hear a few positive words.

my boys both got quite aggresive at 4yrs old......I personally think it is a combination of age and a testosterone surge (altho some way that is not a reason).

I found consistancy the key......and what I mean by that is just keeping the same routine and the same discipline and same punishment for more than a month. It never helps (IMO) to keep trying something new unless you have given the first try a damn good try.

you lovely little boy is still in there....keep going and he will be back

I suppose it depends on your HV - I have only ever had one who has been helpful, the rest have been a waste of time.

Sadly, I think most of us have been there with our 4 yo boys - as psycho says, it really is a testosterone thing - and I know how depressing it is - I have cried many times over it with ds1 too - and ds2 is just starting to show signs of going through it, which is even worse as he was always such a loving little chap, whereas ds1 has always had a tendency to do this.

Reading Raising Boys and Toddler Taming really helped me, as it reinforced that is developmental and was nothing I was doing wrong, which I think makes it much worse. I also went to a bday party this week a girl's, with 10 girls who sat sweetly (by comparison) and made stuff and 4 4yo boys who just ripped through the house - I had never met any of the boys' mums before, but it was like talking to a mirror discussing what we were going through.

I went on a parenting course about 4 months ago, and one thing that was suggested that really helped was 'special time' - 15 mins together at the end of the day to do whatever he wanted - only caveat was that it had to be with me/dh not telly. We have made stuff, played games etc. It is never banned, even for dreadful behaviour, just a time to let him lead the play. It really helped, even though I thought it wouldn't.

The other things I did were to keep a diary for a week of the worst behaviour (for us ds1 has 2 siblings and a lot of his aggression was directed at them, but not sure if you are in this situation), and what we had done immediately prior to this. I found out that his diet played a part in this (I'm fairly careful, but the odd thing does creep in) and changed it, which improved things. I also changed my responses to his behaviour - finding ways to really praise him out of the blue for any tiny thing he did well - be it come to me fairly quickly if I asked, or put his washing in the clothes bin - which helped me to focus on his good stuff too - it had an effect way out of proportion to the behaviour.

Sorry this post is so long - but you are NOT a bad mother - boys are HARD at this age. I keep telling myself that this stubbornness of ds1 will mature into qualities which will help him throughout life.

Please keep posting - I don't have all the answers, but I am happy to listen if it helps.

thanks so much for both your messages. It was nice to hear that i'm not alone. i think keeping a diary is a good idea, and the 'special time'. i'm wondering how much tensions at home aren't helping either. DP and i feel under pressure a lot of the time - no family to share the load, both work, etc, and sometimes it can feel chaotic and tense with not the sense of fun and happiness that i would've loved to have in my family home. Ds is an only child so i guess instead of siblings he has a go at us all the time. we went to an xmas party on the weekend - we were there for 4 hours, loads of other kids, DS had so much fun -there was lots of screaming and running around but all good natured and Ds behaved brilliantly. I praised him profusely for being so good. The moment we got home he started whacking me really hard and just seemed generally furious with me. Couldn't believe it after the time he'd just had. I suppose what i wonder (and worry about) - and maybe one of you two, or someone else might have a view of this - is whether this is 'normal' bad behaviour or does it sound a bit beyond that?

penny my 3.5yo has just started this. With DS it is also linked to illness and parental stress and of course it becomes a vicious circle. No solutions here I'm afraid. We have found sometimes being the soul of kindness and patience works wonders and sometimes just not standing for it does seem to work (I surprised myself the other night by saying calmly "tell we what's wrong or get over it" & DS shrugged his shoudlers said "get over it" and snapped right out of his tantrum!). I suspect it is quite normal for some children to be like this but itis upsetting when you've had a hitherto kind, loving and emotionally articluate child who now flied into rages, hits and grunts and seems unable to tell you why.

Ive got 3 boys and it is just a 'stage'(tiredness and illness usually bring this out) i think,just be firm and consistent and soon the next stage will be here usually involving felt pens and newly painted walls .

penny, I think the good behaviour followed by bad is very normal - mine do it all the time - almost like they have been as good as they possibly can be, and like squeezing a balloon out of shape, it springs back with force.

I think we all put more pressure on ourselves by having in our minds the picture of a happy home life we would like to create - I know I get really upset if I go out of my way to do something I think is nice for them and it gets metaphorically trodden all over.

I am no expert, but maybe your DS's behaviour is making the stress worse between you and DH? In which case, could you maybe print this thread and sit down with him with a glass of wine and decide on boundaries and behaviour - if you both approach it like a joint project it may restore the 'us' with you and him. If you decide on a joint strategy and stick to it, you can weather the storm together.

I hope Christmas was better than you thought it would be. Big hug.

Three things helped when mine went through this (and he is now out the other side - well contained little lad of five, lots of energy but not violent...mostly!!)

One, food - proper, healthy food and as much fruit and veg as you can muster. There's been research and everything - it calms them right down. Avoid choc or sugar like the plague.

Two, sleep. If he is tired he will be rough. Try to make sure he gets enough rest.

Three, remembering to be the adult - I let it get to me initially, then realised it wasn't personal so I stopped reaching that end of tether thing so much and that helped me.

I'm not sure about the taking them for a run once a day thing....other people say yes, imperative, they are like dogs - but I'm not sure, often it would just get him to breaking point really followed by collapse.

Though I do think fresh air is good. When things are gettig really bad I just grab our coats and we go to the park. Maybe it's just a change of scene that helps but it does make things better.