4yo Expectations

[Dannat]

I have a DD who is 4yo (although will be 5 in Jan) and I'm not sure if it is me and I am expecting too much or whether she is just a "testing" child. Dh seems to think she is just testing, and will use any excuse to do what she wants whereas I don't think the fault is entirely with her.

Basically, if ever I ask her to do something, she blatantly ignores me. Things like asking her to get dressed in the morning for school are met with silence and/or a dirty look. I know she can do this herself. I bought her uniform specifically so she could manage it herself after reading many threads on here about reception teachers prefering it if the DC's can dress and undress themselves. She just refuses. Whenever she undresses, she leaves her dirty clothes wherever they fall and has to be asked multiple times to pick them up and put them in the wash basket.

That is just an example but tbh there are so many things which I think she should be doing/attempting to do but am wondering if I am expecting too much of her and maybe if I were to lower my expectations maybe I would be less stressed.

The things DH and I expect her to do (and she can do) are things like putting her dirty clothes in the wash basket, putting rubbish in the bin (sweet papers, that kind of thing), getting herself dressed for school/at the start of the day generally, not getting all her toys out (and by that I mean she will go into her bedroom and tip the toy baskets over so that there is no carpet to be seen, and then complains that she is falling over stuff).

I have to repeat instructions to her at least 5 times each time before she will do what is asked. It is so frustrating. Her latest thing is to demand her breakfast before DS has his bottle (DS is 6mo) and if he gets seen to first, she goes into meltdown.

I have tried different tactics for dealing with this. I have introduced sticker charts with rewards at the end of the week for filling it completely. This worked for about 2 weeks and then she tired of it and gave up. No amount of coercing her was enough. I've tried setting a time limit and binning things left laying about after that time. She doesn't care, just screams blue murder when I do it. I've tried sending her to her room when she is rude or refuses to follow my instructions continuously. She goes in there and continues to trash her bedroom. I make sure DS is up and fed before she is, so she doesn't have to demand my attention at breakfast time.

I'm finding it so draining atm and I am at a loss as to what to do with her. This leads me to believe that maybe it is me and I should be expecting less of her, but tbh, I don't think the things I ask her to do are a) beyond her capabilities or b) unreasonable. It just seems to me that she does what she wants, when she wants and no amount of talking to her, encouraging her is working.

Today I even resorted to offering her pocket money if she does the things I ask her to do, but tbh I think she is a bit young to understand the concept. She does get praised for every little "good" thing she does (I'm a firm believer in positive reinforcement) but because of the bribes I am having to revert to, she then demands treats for doing the things she should be doing anyway and again, if things don't go her way, we go into meltdown.

I'll stop now, as this is already long, but I am happy to answer questions. I could just really do with some kind of tactic for dealing with this.

Um. Your DS is 6 months old. This is a crappy time for your DD. She feels unloved and second best.

I don't think her behaviour is that difficult. Children are not generally very obediant. They can be a struggle.

Have you tried 'How to Talk so Kids will Listen, and Listen so Kids will Talk'?

This could just be a phase, readjusting to having the baby in the house. Initial pleasure at a new sibling can often turn sour. not your fault, or baby's. Just something she'll have to get used to.
I would expect my DS1 to be able to dress himself with a little help (he's 3.5) and do the other stuff you expect your daughter to.
My DS is still getting used to having DS2 around (he's nearly 6 months) and can be very demanding of my attention.

"How to Talk" is fab.

Dd is nearly 4 and does not respond well to being told or asked to do things. I try and get round it by saying stuff like "What do we need to do to get ready?" and turn things into more of a game IYSWIM. Don't underestimate the effects of a 6 month old sibling either. She'll probably be feeling a bit sidelined.

I haven't tried that. Is it a book?

As for the family dynamic now DS is here, I totally agree that to a degree she has been pushed out. He came in June and in September she started school so it's as if she wasn't needed here during the day anymore iyswim? He can be quite demanding too which doesn't help but after advice on here, following a thread I posted on this very thing, I make time every day when it is just the two of us, whether it be sitting reading stories, or dancing to music or just going to the shops for a pint of milk. DH has noticed this and he too now makes time for just the two of them which is lovely and something which never happened before DS arrived mostly due to work etc.

We also do things as a family, specifically on a Saturday night because it is the one night of the week DD can stay up late and DH is home from work relatively early. Plus DD, DS and I do things together. I am trying to balance it out so she doesn't feel pushed out and other than the things I am already doing, I can't see another way of doing it. This could be because I am so fixated on the things I think are creating an issue though if that makes sense? Maybe because I currently have quite a negative view of things?

It's a hard time for everyone. It sounds like you're doing some good stuff, but dealing with a sibling is hard. At six months, DS is starting to make demands, and he's cute, and soon he'll be moving around getting into DD's stuff.

Yes, it's a book - often recommended on here . It's wee bit American but I've found it useful.

FWIW I found the stage when ds was 6 months old very very tough. Dd was pushing all my buttons and I felt I'd lost the special mother-daughter relationship we'd had before ds came along. Things got a lot better but I think I expected a bit much of her as the older one and forgot that she was very little too.

Hi Dannat, just wanted to say that I have a four year old DD who started school in September and you could be describing her! And she hasn't got the excuse of a new sibling, although she has got a very vocal and demanding 2 year old brother!

I haven't really got any advice; I just think we need to keep plugging away. I also think they're probably tired and have had a lot to take in in the last term, with starting school.

Good luck!

Sounds like you are doing an amazing job of juggling all the combos of who spends time with who.

My DS is 5 1/2 and sounds exactly like your DD.
I also have a 4 year old and a 16 month old. The 16 month old was born on DS's second day ever at school, so I completely understand what you say about that timing.

My DS is perfectly capable of most things but not remotely motivated. For me its very much a case of choose my battles. I can either bang my head off a brick wall and shout every morning for him to dress himself or I can go in and spend 5 minutes with him helping him. I choose to do the latter. I know fine well he CAN do it so I am not worried. TBH thats probablythe only time of day its just him and me so I suppose it seems reasonable to him. I tried or ages to get them (he and 4yo DD) to do more around the house. I decided my expectations were:

• make your bed (even if just piling duvet on bed)
• put jammies on pillow
• take pullups (both still need them) downstairs
• when they come in from being out, shoes off and on the shoe bucket, and coats hung up
• bring their lunchboxes into the kitchen after school
• help tidy up after tea time
• after every meak say thankyou and ask to leave the table
• take used dishes to the side
• in the car start to sort out their seatbelts

Blimey am I a bit of a Hitler Mum ??!

My successes have been limited. They both now bring their pullups downstairs but I have to remind them.
They always say thankyou and ask to get down from the table after every meal.
They usually take their dishes to the side but never ever argue if I have to remind them.
They are hopeless at tidying, it just wastes precious time so I only sometimes insist.
They always take their shoes off and outin the bucket but I usually have to remind about coats.
They cant seem to get it into their heads to do the seatbelt thing which winds me up massively.
In the mornings they never make their beds or sort their jammies and it drives me mad. Maybe if I got up 10 minutes earlier for school I could remind them before we go downstairs, but to be hinest Id rather have that extra 10 minutes!
They are terrible at using please and thankyou even though we never ever do anything unless they say please, it doesnt seem to go in.

I too have tried the old reward charts and like your DD my DS loses interest after about a week. I then found he would only do the thing after several heavy reminders that he would get a star and lots of threats of star removals if he didnt, and the point was I just wanted them to do it, not be bribed every time.

Anyway I suppose to summarie - I dont think your expectations are unreasonable but it sounds like perfectly normal behaviour for any 4 year old never mind if theres a new ish baby on the scene.

My advice would be choose your battles - which I suppose could be interpreted as choose a few key things to expect her to do) and ignore the rest.

HTH
Jill